Saturday, June 14, 2014

Who Should Be In The Expendables?

The Expendables 3 is coming out in a few months. I saw the first two and for some reason there are stars from the 80's that have not appeared. In this next film they have Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Kelsey Grammer, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Victor Ortiz, Glen Powell and Robert Davi. You would think that after three films that they would be running out of action stars based on some of the names they have added. Lutz? Grammer? Davi? Come on. This is silly. They didn't even need to have Couture in the last two films but have kept him for whatever reason.

I was talking to Beastman a few weeks ago about this movie and we were trying to think of some Black actors that could be used. Beastman was thinking of Blair Underwood (this took hours to figure out who the hell he was even talking about) and I shot that down like a suggestion to Veggie Grill. While Crews has the look and is a funny ass guy he is not an action star from my youth. I came up with a few that should be in the movie (assuming they aren't surprise guests) as well as some women. I love Rousey like I love a good BLT but come on.

Carl Weathers. How in the fuck is this man not in this movie? Tell me! I demand answers! Even at the age of 66 he is still tougher looking than most guys half his age. This guy to me was always the Black guy in action films that kicked ass and looked good doing it. His career should've been bigger than it was. He is still working and all he'd have to do is grow a mustache to remind folks of who the fuck he is. He starred in some of my favorite movies from childhood and it sucks that he isn't in this movie. It makes almost too much sense for him to be in these films that it is just silly on everyone involved parts that he isn't. Could you imagine how much I'd scream if he were in it? A lot. 

Proof: Action Jackson. That's all I should even have to say. Ever see that movie? Then shut up. How about Predator? Yeah. He was in that with a bunch of other badasses. How about playing Apollo Creed in Rocky through 4. I don't know what the beef is between Weathers and Stallone is but that shit needs to stop. If one of them ends up dying soon you just know one of them is gonna be on TV going “It was silly. I wish I had picked up the phone to call them just once to hash things out...” This is your chance! Put him in the next movie knowing good and damned well that he should've been in the last three. At least give him a bullshit cameo like Chuck Norris had.

Bill Duke. I have actually seen this man in person when I went to an interview for a radio station for a job years ago. This dude is fucking tall and scary looking when he isn't smiling. I didn't even know his name and honestly probably couldn't have told you mine when he was around. This guy doesn't even have to hold a gun. Just have him as a scary boss somewhere silently telling someone to get shit done. Duke's picture should be in the dictionary if you search up the definition of intimidating. Seriously. Look it up. I dare you. That's right. You won't because you're scared. As you should be. 

Proof: Oh, look. Commando. He was also in Action Jackson as well as Predator. What the fuck, dude? Some of you may remember him from Menace 2 Society where he scared the fuck out of a guy by asking “You know you fucked up, right?” over and over again. That simple sentence is burned into me and every Black guy that saw that movie growing up. We learned to say the bare minimum when talking to police otherwise that was your ass. He's done a ton of films since then and I can't think of a single instance of him not being scary. Put him in the movie! He shaved his face with no cream!

Forest Whitaker. Oh, I can see that some of you are confused by this choice. You are making the same mistake that the makers of Fast Times At Ridgemont High almost did thinking that he can't play intimidating because he always looks relaxed or tired due to his eye condition. It took a while for me to see some examples of him being a badass but once I did I realized that he should've spent more time making cool ass action flicks. Besides, he'd most likely be the best actor out of this entire group of people in the movie. Writes, directs, acts, does TV, and movies. This guy is the shit! Walk up to him thinking you can take him down and the next thing you know your thumb is rammed up your own ass. How?! 

Proof: When I first heard of Ghost Dog I shit all over that movie. “Don't nobody want to see Whitaker as no samurai in New York!” Yeah. Fast forward a year or so later to it being the first DVD I ever bought. Then there's Repo Men. Not many people saw this crazy ass movie but I did and really liked it. It gave him a chance to show off his martial arts skills that he really does have. Again, he doesn't even have to use a gun. Give him a cool ass knife fight. That's all I want and you wont give it to me! How come?! Yeah, I get it. You needed a Black guy and picked Crews but he does not fit into the theme of these movies and the more they are making the further from the spirit of the films they are getting.

Now its time for the ladies. Again, Rousey is fucking awesome. She is hot, kicks all kinds of ass, and looks good with these guys. Surprised Gina Carano wasn't asked to be in these or even Michelle Rodriguez, but one battle at a time I guess. How about Milla Jovovich?

Brigette Nielsen. This woman's entire resume is almost all action films! How in the fuck is she not involved in these? Yeah, I know that she has dated or been married to a couple of guys in the movie but who gives a shit? She is still my height and helped establish some of these same guys back in the 80's. Who the fuck is Ivan Drago without her? I know that she has also had personal drama that aired on TV shows I didn't watch. Oh. Just saw that she is gonna be in Mercenaries which is an knockoff of The Expendables with Cynthia Rothrock who should also be in these movies. The way they pick and choose confuse the fuck out of me.

Proof: How about Red Sonja? That sound familiar to you? Rocky 4 which was the best of the series? She was in Cobra! She survived being married to Flava Flav for gods sake! I just named three movies from the 80's that made people famous. I also need to state that no one in these movies should be under the age of 45 and that is being nice. I need to see grown ass women that have a resume of action films from when I was a kid in these. That's all. Not just young, hot men and women. There are still movies I watch now and think that she should have played their parts. You can't tell me the character of Mother Russia from Kick Ass 2 was not based off this lady.

Sigourney Weaver. Working consistently since 1978 this woman is not only cool, a great actress, and one of my first Bad Mamma Jammas, but she let millions of young girls know that you too could kick ass if you wanted to! This was pre-Xena. This woman, and I'll say it, singlehandedly empowered a generation. I said it. Its out there now. Deal with it. She is still doing movies that people see and looking great doing it. I really assumed that she would be in the first Expendable film after hearing what it was about. But sadly she hasn't even been brought up which I am hoping is because she doesn't want to be involved. Otherwise there is bullshittery afoot! 

Proof: I can mention Ghostbusters. I can bring up Galaxy Quest or even Copycat. But all I really need to mention is Aliens. Can't think of any other actress let alone action actress that has a bunch of movies where they were the star of it. Have you noticed that no one has tried to reboot Alien? Don't even mention Prometheus. That was bullshit and I do not accept it. Just like with Whitaker, she'd be the actress with the most amount of skill. I say make her a boss as well. No need to be doing flips or have wire work. Just have her running shit from the shadows. I just wrote what the next film needs to be legit. 

I miss anyone?

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