"Bad Mamma Jamma": Cate Blanchett

A while ago I was getting pictures ready trying to figure out who was going to be the next Bad Mamma Jamma. I've mentioned before that it has gotten more difficult to do because women will usually just be used for jewelry to a guy in a movie or TV show. Its hard to find a woman that fits all the criteria for a BMJ. But a few months back I found one and am just now writing about her. This weeks BMJ is Cate Blanchett.

Born in Australia to an Australian mother and Texan father she described herself as being part extrovert part wallflower as a child. I don't even know how that is possible with a mother born in the scariest country on Earth and a father from the now second scariest state in America. One would assume she runs around at 10 all the time. She studied fine arts and economics before saying “Fuck it” and traveling.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Jodie Foster

In my never ending search for Bad Mamma Jamma's I find that I keep having to look to the past. I've gotten suggestions from friends and readers but the problem is that the women they mention have done one or two cool ass roles and disappeared and that's it. Otherwise I would include the little girl from Let The Right One In, Kick Ass, or even Pippi Longstocking. So I looked through movies I've seen starring women and the choice for today's BMJ ended up being obvious. I present to you, Jodie Foster!

Born in Los Angeles, CA, Foster ended up going to Yale but left due to some psychopath who shot Ronald Reagan who was obsessed with her. She went back after a semester. Before she even went to college she was in a shit ton of films and television like Taxi Driver, Bugsy Malone, Gunsmoke, and Saturday Night Live. She was nominated for some of these films being the youngest at the time to do so.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Lena Headey

Just like the problem I have had coming up with a Bad Ass Mofo I have been having the same problems coming up with a new Bad Mamma Jamma. I think I have close to 40 BAM's and less than 20 BMJ's. There are a set list of things that will make someone a BMJ in my eyes and though it took a while for me to realize it, Lena Headey is definitely one!

Born in Hamilton, Bermuda and raised in England Headey is one of those actresses that don't always have to play off her looks to do her job well. She's someone I had seen many times and didn't know she was the same damned person. She was in The Brother's Grimm (which was how Hansel & Gretel should've been) and 300. Still, I didn't know this was the same person.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Julianne Moore

Known for being one of the most versatile actresses going Julianne Moore is this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma! Can you believe she is 52 and looks better than most actresses in their 20’s? Don’t even get me started on talent levels. I’d wreck it. And by it I mean her…ironing board. What did you think I was talking about? Really? Wow. Just when you think you know someone. Born Julie Anne Smith to a paratrooper father and psychiatrist and social worker mother, she bounced around the country not staying at one place for long. Except my bed. What?

Moore got her start on As The World Turns for which she won multiple awards before moving on to films like The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, The Gun In Betty Lou’s Handbag, The Fugitive, Nine Months, and of course Boogie Nights where she was nominated for a shit ton of awards. That same year she starred in The Lost World: Jurassic Park where she helped prove that dinosaurs are fucked up. The next year she was in one of my favorite films of all time The Big Lebowski.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Tilda Swinton

This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is a woman who in one second can seem super vulnerable and helpless and then the next be one of the scariest damned women you’ve ever seen in film. Tilda Swinton is this weeks BMJ! Born Katherine Mathilda Swinton in London, England she has been in tons of films and here in the U.S is known as Cate Blanchett. Come on! I cant be the only person to mix the two of them up! I hope she doesn’t see this because she could probably kick my ass even at the age of 52.

After college she started off in small theaters groups and foreign films before making it big here in films like The Beach, Vanilla Sky, and of course as the Ice Queen in the Chronicle’s Of Narnia films where she was super evil and scary. She beat up lion Jesus and wore his damned fur! How evil is that? Seriously. I need to know. I got a pair of scissors and the L.A Zoo is a bus ride away.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Brigitte Nielsen

If you were a little girl and someone showed you pictures and said “When you grow up you will date or marry Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Flava Flav!” you would have run to the hills screaming. But not this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma Brigitte Nielsen. Even when I was a little kid I recognized this woman's hotness from Red Sonja. Hell, in the video game Golden Axe I used to call the female character by her name. Yes, I was pervin' even at that young an age. Don't judge me.

I've got something long and hard for her. My sword. I own one as well. Pervs. 

Brigitte was born Gitte Nielsen in Rødovre, Denmark. Where is that? I don't know. I'm not a gynecologist. But it sounds fancy. Like something you'd eat at a place that you know you cant afford and end up having to wash the dishes when you try to skip out on the bill. At 6 foot 1...dear lord. She's my height. Anyhoot, at her height she began modeling before starring in Cobra and Rocky 4 which was the best Rocky I don't care what anyone says. She then starred in Beverly Hills Cop 2 and posed for Playboy.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Pam Grier

Its taken me so damned long to find a Bad Mamma Jamma for this week. I checked and my last one was in January of this year. That is ridiculous. Now, there are some young girls that are kicking ass in films but not enough to warrant an entire blog dedicated to them. Its all about consistency. This weeks BMJ has been making pants tight and wet from fear for damn near forty years. I present to you the beautiful and talented (inside joke) Pam Grier!

Yes, please!

Born in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, Grier moved to Los Angeles where she worked as a receptionist. Jesus, can you imagine seeing a receptionist that looked like her? She was discovered by a director and starred in her first film, The Big Doll House. If you have not seen that film…wow. There is so much badness it turns around and becomes amazing. And she is not afraid to show her goods. I had to try to not find pictures of her boobs. Eventually she gained fame in starring roles in Coffy and Foxy Brown. These films made every Black person think they could do karate with hilarious results.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Lucy Lawless

“Treat everyone the same until you find out they're an idiot.” Lucy Lawless

Oh, Lucy Lawless. She is this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma for so many reasons that I wont go into because I have family that will stumble upon this after my death and I have shamed them and my ancestors far enough. I’ll try and stay classy. She starred on Xena: Warrior Princess. This show inspired nerds to unite in the fact that women were real and that if you were nice you could go to a convention and look at them. Damn, she’s hot. Did you know she is from New Zealand right there with Australia? That’s like America’s version of Canada. And if she was born there she probably speaks Kill fluently.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Angelina Jolie

“I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I'll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don't taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me.” Angelina Jolie

This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma and probably one of the few actresses I believe would be able to cause actual bodily harm to me is Angelina Jolie! I first got a gander at her in the movie Hackers which was a cool movie but whatever did you see the lips on this girl and the ass because I sure as hell did and I keep wishing that one day she is gonna gain 30 pounds and cut her hair and look like that again! Phew. Jolie is like Milla Jovovich is Milla made better acting choices every once in a while. Jolie got a lot of attention (in film) from her role in Girl, Interrupted. Oh, and that movie Gia that for whatever reason I cant sit through even though she shows all the goods in it. There's also a young Mila Kunis as well and if that gets you excited Chris Hanson will be paying you a visit shortly.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Michelle Yeoh

“I prefer to be kicked four or five times well, you know, hard, than twenty or twenty five times not so good…” Michelle Yeoh

Have you ever had fantasies of having your ass handed to you by a former Miss Malaysia? No? Oh. I guess its just me then. This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is Michelle Yeoh! Seems a lot of hot chicks are named Michelle. The crazy thing about her being known for being a kick ass action star is that she had no martial arts skills. She uses her dance knowledge and fight trainers to help her with her roles. Have I mentioned how beautiful this woman is? And she isn’t new to movies. She has been acting and looking like this for over 30 years. You know what I’ve been doing for over 30 years? No, seriously. I’m asking you. I have no idea.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Milla Jovovich

“Most of the time, if you make a big action film there has to be a big action guy in it. It's very European to trust a woman to play that kind of a role.” Milla Jovovich

This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is a woman who now makes a career off of playing women that make men check their penises at the door and prepare for an ass whipping. Milla Jovovich (pronounced Me-Luh Yo-Vo-Vitch) does nothing but beat the shit out of people for a living and look nice as all get out while doing it. Seriously. You’re not even paying attention to anything I’m writing. You’re looking at the picture. I’ll wait. You finished? Come on. It doesn’t take that long…usually. Born in Kiev, Ukrainian SSR to a Serbian father and Russian mother, she is the recipe for a great Bond villain. Or someone he would sleep with named Givinaway Pootang that would break his junk off in moments. I've seen it happen and it's just as bad as you imagine.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Michelle Rodriguez

“Well, could you really imagine me playing the girlfriend that needs rescuing? Or the girlfriend?” Michelle Rodriguez

Oh, this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is Michelle Rodriguez. She is the definition of hot and dangerous. Like for reals dangerous. I need to point out that she has the hottest mug shot out of any actress. For serious, it is nice. She is always cast as the tough girl or the deadly girl. I don’t mind that at all. Because even if she punched me in the throat I could sit here and say “Michelle Rodriguez totally touched me!” I first saw her in Girlfight. Meaning I saw her in a commercial for the movie since I’ve never actually seen it. I did see The Fast & The Furious and I was all like “A-guh…!” I really do make that sound and its just as unsexy as you imagine.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Jenette Goldstein

“Let’s rock!!!” Vasquez Aliens

So tough that she makes men’s penises shrink in fear and lust. So bad that million of lesbians consider her a role model. So versatile that I actually thought she was a Latina. Jenette Goldstein is this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma. Her role as Pvt. Vasquez was super memorable for the way she looked, talked, and fought. How in the blue hell was she just a private? Maybe it just sounded cooler. Every image of Jenette that I could find made her look crazy or dangerous. When the majority of the pictures of you available have you holding a gun the size of you that is proof enough that you’re a BMJ. She was born a couple miles from me so that makes me even happier.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Summer Glau

“I came to act because I wanted to do lovely period dramas. Very Jane Austen. But I guess I have become more of an action girl. I have no complaints!” Summer Glau

The crazy thing about this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is that when I first saw her I didn’t think much of her. Summer Glau grew on me over time. She is almost the opposite of everything I want for a Fap File but for a BMJ she is the perfect candidate. My exposure to her was from this awesome show that quickly jumped the shark called The 4400. I was like “This chick looks weird. But not…” Little did I know that she was already on the short lived Fox series Firefly. This was the first in a pattern where she would appear in shows that got canned fast.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Gina Carano

“When I first came into this sport I was looking around for somebody who had come in before me and had paved the way, and I just didn’t see it at that time. I figured I would do it how I wanted to do it.” Gina Carano

You ever want to bone someone but the fear of being cock punched kept you from speaking to a woman? I do. All the time. But specifically with this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma Gina Carano. She is a MMA (mixed martial arts not monkeys munching apples) fighter and could kill you twice before you hit the ground. Even when she is fighting and has her hair all prison style she still looks hot. There’s only three fighters that are fuckable and I only know two of their names. She looks better than the ring girls. My dick is shoot afraid of her. If she even looked at me sideways I would have two belly buttons.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Nichelle Nichols

“I'm a fan of the fans. I love them. They're fabulous. I love being around them. I love their madness and their caring. I love watching them take off for a weekend, don the costumes, and become characters from the 23rd century and beyond.” Nichelle Nichols

This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is Nichelle Nichols. She was born in the early 1930’s and I’d still wreck her. I have to admit that while I have watched some episodes of Star Trek I haven’t seen a shit ton of them. But even when I vaguely knew of the show as a child I saw this hot ass woman on the ship and wondered why she wasn’t being sexually harassed constantly. You all know what I’d do with my holodeck. This woman would be in her Uhura costume so much she wouldn’t even know who she really was anymore. Besides being the first Black actress to put her hands in the cement at the Mann’s Chinese Theater she also had the first on screen kiss between a Black woman and a White male. It was William Shatner and he will kiss and sleep with anything.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Linda Hamilton

"My heart is so light that it's amazing. I get to play all this grief, all this loss, all this disaster and chaos. It's hysterically funny. I am very light. I keep saying I'm Lucy Ricardo trapped in somebody else's body." Linda Hamilton

This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma could have done one film and made this list. Linda Hamilton is this weeks BMJ and her role as Sarah Conner alone would earn her a spot on this list. How many people, not just women, do you know that can cock a shotgun with one arm? Oh, really? Your aunt? Stop lying! In the first Terminator movie she hooked up with a hobo from the future and fought a crazy robot that wanted to kill her because her vajayjay would birth a savior. It ended up birthing a crackhead. Or That Yellow Bastard. Or Christian Bale depending on which storyline you follow. Either way we have her to thank for the goddamn Apocalypse from happening. Thanks, Linda! Know how bad she is? When they dug up her grave her coffin was full of guns! What’s your coffin full of?! Tears!

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Sigourney Weaver

"I've always regretted having such a serious career because I'm really more of an idiot." Sigourney Weaver

Susan Alexandra Weaver aka Sigourney Weaver is the first entry in the new Bad Mamma Jamma. Wanna know how bad she is? Her salary for Alien: Resurrection was more than it cost to make the first Alien film. Boom. As Ripley she has become the template by which any actress that tries to be a badass is compared to. Some chick does a flying kick I’m like “You didn’t save an orphan space baby from a acid spitting alien…” Admittedly I wasn’t a huge fan or her…sexually. At first. I thought she looked okay but she didn’t make my pants tight or anything. That all changed when she popped up in Galaxy Quest. In that film she made me see the difference between liking a chick and a woman.