I wish I could buy this movie in script form just so I could wipe my ass with it. Jeremy Renner, you were doing so well for a minute there. You were Hawkeye in The Avengers, you were tolerable in Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, and just okay in Bourne Legacy. But now? You had to go and do this shit to me? To me?! Ugh! Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters was a steaming pile of ass. Just a robust mess of a movie that didn’t need to be made by anyone.
Renner play Hansel while Gemma Arterton plays Gretel. They were left by their father and wander into a witches house that forces them to eat a lot of candy. They end up shoving her ashy ass into an oven and then spend their lives witch hunting. They end up in a town and save a woman from being drowned for being a witch by the always crazy Peter Stormare who is in some sort of competition with Joseph Gordon-Levitt for making the most films (and he is winning with a score of 14 to 6). Turns out the town has been attacked by witches and kids are being snatched up.
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| They do this a lot. |
Some super witch is gathering the kids to do something evil that is not close to original and I could care less about. These other hunters go looking for the witches and…I swear to god I couldn’t make this shit up. If your job is to hunt a witch and some dame shows up in the middle of the woods acting all creepy and your dog, that moments ago couldn’t stop barking for shit, stops barking suddenly, she’s a witch! So these losers get killed. One of them is left alive long enough to explode in front of everyone.
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| Jean Grey shows up for shits and giggles. |
Hansel and Gretel fight witches multiple times and they get their asses to them each and every time. How am I to believe they’ve been doing this their whole lives and surviving? They are bad at their job! Gretel alone gets her dumb ass knocked out at least three times while Hansel is too busy fucking some chick in a pond while his sister is helped and then kidnapped by a troll with an amazing hairline. I mean that shit is perfect! Who is giving the troll the haircut?!
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| Only his stylist knows for sure... |
Anyway, they find out the chick Hansel fucked is a good witch, this kid helps them battle the dozens of witches that show up, they have Gatling guns to fight with, and during the last fight the main evil witch forgets that she whipped their asses five other times and gets beaten. She doesn’t even use all the powers she did earlier. Like shape shifting, making nature beat your ass, super speed, mega strength. Nothing! She just lets them beat her ass and cut her head off!
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| Where millions of arrows and bullets failed a shovel succeeds. |
This movie was so damned dumb. And not even cool dub like most Jason Statham movies. It just plain sucked. Thankfully it wasn’t long. In about ninety minutes they managed to squeeze in so much bullshit I could feel it starting to come out of my ears. The effects were messy, the gore unnecessary, and the fight scenes not impressive. Boo this film! Boo!!!
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