I wish I could buy this movie in script form just so I could wipe my ass with it. Jeremy Renner, you were doing so well for a minute there. You were Hawkeye in The Avengers, you were tolerable in Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, and just okay in Bourne Legacy. But now? You had to go and do this shit to me? To me?! Ugh! Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters was a steaming pile of ass. Just a robust mess of a movie that didn’t need to be made by anyone.
Renner play Hansel while Gemma Arterton plays Gretel. They were left by their father and wander into a witches house that forces them to eat a lot of candy. They end up shoving her ashy ass into an oven and then spend their lives witch hunting. They end up in a town and save a woman from being drowned for being a witch by the always crazy Peter Stormare who is in some sort of competition with Joseph Gordon-Levitt for making the most films (and he is winning with a score of 14 to 6). Turns out the town has been attacked by witches and kids are being snatched up.
