The Review: American Gods Episode 2 "The Secret of Spoons"

American Gods “The Secret of Spoons”

Oh, American Gods is back again with an awesome ass episode. As crazy as episode one was I was hoping the second wouldn't falter and it did not. While not as visually insane it was more linear and still really good. I'm also not gonna give another rating for this series until it wraps up and I can weigh it all together. This picks up where the last episode left off after Shadow was cut down after being hung and someone or something turned all the attackers into juice. He heads to Mr. Wednesday's hotel, where he of course is with some young chick, and tells him that he was attacked. Mr. Wednesday kinda plays it off coolly but tells him that just because he is not upset that does not mean he is not angry. Meanwhile...

Theater Whore: John Wick 2

John Wick 2 (9/10)

There will for sure be some spoilers. This morning I headed to Arclight on Sunset and watched John Wick 2 starring Keanu Reeves. Last night before bed I watched the first one and if you watch a movie like that before bed you will have some honked up ass dreams. This movie takes place shortly after the first ends and something I forgot about the first was how recently his wife had passed away before all hell broke loose. For those that have not seen the first film but for some odd ass reason decided to read a review about the second one here's the basic premise. A former professional killers wife suddenly dies. Shortly after she dies a puppy arrives that she had sent to him. These assholes show up, the main one being the son of one of Wick's former “boss”, beats the fuck out of Wick, kills the dog, and steals his car. The rest of the movie is pure revenge. Got it?

Theater Whore: Hansel And Gretel Witch Hunters

I wish I could buy this movie in script form just so I could wipe my ass with it. Jeremy Renner, you were doing so well for a minute there. You were Hawkeye in The Avengers, you were tolerable in Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, and just okay in Bourne Legacy. But now? You had to go and do this shit to me? To me?! Ugh! Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters was a steaming pile of ass. Just a robust mess of a movie that didn’t need to be made by anyone.

Renner play Hansel while Gemma Arterton plays Gretel. They were left by their father and wander into a witches house that forces them to eat a lot of candy. They end up shoving her ashy ass into an oven and then spend their lives witch hunting. They end up in a town and save a woman from being drowned for being a witch by the always crazy Peter Stormare who is in some sort of competition with Joseph Gordon-Levitt for making the most films (and he is winning with a score of 14 to 6). Turns out the town has been attacked by witches and kids are being snatched up.

Theater Whore: The Last Stand

I have heard and read some reviews for this movie that blatantly prove that folks don't actually watch the movies they are reviewing. “Arnold deputizes Johnny Knoxville and madness ensues!” While that does occur its such a small part of all the crazy shit that happens in this movie. It'd be like saying “Sigourney Weaver and Bill Paxton head into space and crazy things happen!” This movie, The Last Stand, was far better than I thought it was gonna be. The trailer made it look like a stupid buddy cop film where a small town is in danger. Nope. This film is violent as fuck. 

This drug lord that is gonna be executed Gabriel Cortez played by Eduardo Noriega is being taken to die by Forrest Whitaker and a bunch of cops until he makes the most ridiculous escape ever. I mean, this was ConAir levels of crazy reminiscent of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. A giant magnet picks up his truck, cops are killed, he gets away, and kidnaps an agent played by Genesis Rodriguez. I mean, if you're gonna kidnap a chick kidnap the hottest one, right? He also happens to be in the fastest car ever. This thing goes faster than helicopters!

DVDiculous: Dylan Dog Dead Of Night

While looking up this weeks Bad Ass Mofo I saw an image of a movie I had forgotten existed that came out last year called Dylan Dog: Dead Of Night. Now, within moments of this movie starting you get the same feel and tone of Constantine which I enjoyed. That was a decent enough film but was almost nothing like the comic book. Apparently just like this film. There are certain comic books that are from other countries that are translated to film like Scott Pilgrim, Judge Dredd, or this. People who love the comic hate this movie.

Damn you, Stormare.

Superman & Jimmy Olsen Vs. The Monsters starts off with this chick that I know is gonna annoy the crap out of me making a sammich and blood starts dripping on her plate. She rushes upstairs into her father’s creepy ass room and he is dead on the floor and some Muppet from hell dives out the window. Meanwhile Superman is sleeping and some guy threatens to kill him for taking incriminating photos. Superman talks the guy out of it, not worried at all about being shot because he’s too cool for that bullshit.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Peter Stormare

I have to apologize for not doing one of these for a really long time. Actually, no. I don’t. Hollywood needs to apologize for not having Bad Ass Mofos! You have no idea how far I need to dig just to find a tough guy in films or one that is just super compelling. While trolling the internets as I do I stumbled upon someone who manages to stand out and be memorable in any film he’s in no matter how small the part…Peter Stormare!

"Is she really trying to...? Yeah. Just shoot her."

Dude was born in Kumla, Närke, Sweden and I can only pronounce two of those three words. He started off doing dramatic theater doing Shakespeare and shit. People started to know who he was from movies like Fargo as the sleaze ball blonde and the nasty ass eye doctor in Minority Report. Apparently he was in The Lost World: Jurassic Park but I’ll be damned if I can recall that. I was too busy shitting myself thinking of scientist creating dinosaurs.