The Review: The Girl With All The Gifts

The Girl With All The Gifts 8/10

There will be spoilers. I watched this movie called The Girl With All The Gifts after seeing it on a list of tings that I should have watched and my cousin Jasmine happened to mention it to me so I decided to check it out. This movie is really good. Just full of me shouting at the screen! Yes, this is a zombie movie but its not like the dozens of other ones that have come out in the last ten years. This movie had me wondering what the hell was happening from the very start all the way to the end of it which was cool because sometimes when something is zombie related you find out how it started and its stupid or you find out it will never end ever and you call it The Walking Dead. Seriously, how are you people still watching that shit? There is a fungal disease that is affecting the world and turning folks into zombies aka “hungries.” There is no cure. Just don't let 'em get their juices on you or bite you and you're fine...ish.

Theater Whore: Hansel And Gretel Witch Hunters

I wish I could buy this movie in script form just so I could wipe my ass with it. Jeremy Renner, you were doing so well for a minute there. You were Hawkeye in The Avengers, you were tolerable in Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, and just okay in Bourne Legacy. But now? You had to go and do this shit to me? To me?! Ugh! Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters was a steaming pile of ass. Just a robust mess of a movie that didn’t need to be made by anyone.

Renner play Hansel while Gemma Arterton plays Gretel. They were left by their father and wander into a witches house that forces them to eat a lot of candy. They end up shoving her ashy ass into an oven and then spend their lives witch hunting. They end up in a town and save a woman from being drowned for being a witch by the always crazy Peter Stormare who is in some sort of competition with Joseph Gordon-Levitt for making the most films (and he is winning with a score of 14 to 6). Turns out the town has been attacked by witches and kids are being snatched up.