Theater Whore: Resident Evil Final Chapter

Resident Evil Final Chapter 1/10

There will be spoilers. The first rule of Resident Evil is that you don't question Resident Evil. I got to see Resident Evil Final Chapter and I have to say that this was the worst of them and thankfully the last one being made. Allegedly. I'm sure they'll find some way to drag this out of the mud. Milla Jovovich is back as Alice whose job is to save humanity. I guess. The movie starts with a flash back that was just made up and couldn't have possibly been created when the first movie was written just so that they could have Milla's daughter introduced into the series as The Red Queen. Basically years ago a dudes daughter was dying so he created something to help her and it turned into the T-Virus. Next thing you know people are monsters.

The Review: Zoolander 2

Zoolander 2 – 1/10

The thing that bugged me so much about Zoolander 2 is the fact that there were so many moments that it ha to be a funny movie but each time it went somewhere completely different for a while before showing something else that had the potential to be funny and then dumping it for far less funny stuff. I watched this on Amazon and had no idea it was even on here. I actually kind of forgot that this movie existed. I probably should have kept it that way. Benedict Cumberbatch as the model All could have been fun as a villain. Nope. Most of All is in the trailer. Will Ferrell comes in as Mugatu like an hour into the movie. Owen Wilson's character getting his entire orgy crew pregnant made zero sense. His orgy was funny in the first movie but they dragged this to the literal end.

Theater Whore: Resident Evil Retribution

Have you ever watched a Resident Evil movie? Well, let me give you a crash course. Little story, lots of killing, main star survives, ends badly. That is how each and every one of these films goes. The latest, Resident Evil: Retribution, is no different. It stars Milla Jovovich who is back as Alice, the genetically engineered fighting machine that had her bionic-ness removed but still manages to do shit that would make The Wachowski’s say “Okay, come on, really?” The first few minutes are done in reverse where you see a bunch of folks being killed and Alice fighting back before being blown off a ship. Then you see it happen in real time which seems kinda pointless.

Cold. Naked. Alone. Yep. Must be Resident Evil.

She wakes in bed with her husband and daughter before being attacked by zombies. Then they bump into Michelle Rodriguez who died in the first film. She then wakes up wearing napkins because fuck you its Milla Jovovich and we gots to see the goods! She gets tortured with some dubstep music by her old friend Jill before the computer is shut down and Alice is given a cool outfit to wear and a door opens that allows her to escape.

Hooooly shiiiiiiit!!!

In the hallways that damned laser grid chases her and she gets away. She heads outside and is in Japan all of a sudden where zombies start eating folks before turning to her. She runs back inside and kills the zombies.

Government issues Spandex FTW!

She finds this hot Asian dame named Ada Wong who used to be bad that and Wesker who has been the enemy for a while. They tell her that The Red Queen is back. She’s that evil English girl. You know the “You’re all going to die down here” girl? Her. A group of guys who I will refer to as Team Eye Candy show up and are going to take an elevator down and help Alice and Ada escape. Kevin Durand is one of them and that dude is awesome. I want to see a movie where him and Karl Urban are brothers that just punch people in the face.

Neither of these outfits seem battle tested.

Anyhoot, Alice and Ada battle these fucking giants in fake New York which is just a little bit less scary than real New York. They then head to the same street Alice was on when she was dreaming and find her daughter. Ada’s like “Uh, she isn’t real, you know” and Alice is all “She is to me!”

Mmm...

They drag fake little girl along because Paul W.S Anderson is a fan of Aliens and wants his own Newt. Then they are attacked by Jill who has all of Alice’s former teammates including…Michelle Rodriguez? Ada gets caught.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Milla Jovovich

“Most of the time, if you make a big action film there has to be a big action guy in it. It's very European to trust a woman to play that kind of a role.” Milla Jovovich

This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is a woman who now makes a career off of playing women that make men check their penises at the door and prepare for an ass whipping. Milla Jovovich (pronounced Me-Luh Yo-Vo-Vitch) does nothing but beat the shit out of people for a living and look nice as all get out while doing it. Seriously. You’re not even paying attention to anything I’m writing. You’re looking at the picture. I’ll wait. You finished? Come on. It doesn’t take that long…usually. Born in Kiev, Ukrainian SSR to a Serbian father and Russian mother, she is the recipe for a great Bond villain. Or someone he would sleep with named Givinaway Pootang that would break his junk off in moments. I've seen it happen and it's just as bad as you imagine.