DVDiculous: St. Trinian's

If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like if Pippi Longsocking, Tank Girl, and that girl at the party that is ridiculously hot at a party but terrifyingly insane wanted to start a school…you’re in luck! St. Trinian’s is the school of your dreams. I mean, if your dreams involve a place that is full of sociopaths that look really good in school uniforms. As a dude this place would be awesome for about ten seconds because shortly after that you’d have things removed or damaged that you’d miss. I mean, I wouldn’t since I don’t use those parts.

This poor girl Annabelle arrives at this place brought by her father Carnaby played by Rupert Everett. She isn’t poor financially. I just felt bad for her because this place is friggin’ insane. She meets her aunt Camilla also played by Everett who runs the school and is just as crazy as everyone else in the film. A hot chick named Kelly Jones introduces her to the rest of the inmates at this asylum. The girls are in different cliques. There’s the posh totties, Chavs, emos, geeks, and worst of all the First Years!

Devil get behind me!

Soon as Annabelle sits down she has slime poured on her with feathers. Then while she is taking a shower they change the water and remove her clothes. Oh, and it is all streamed online live for people all over the world to see! Meanwhile her dad, who is strange as shit, is loving his life now that his daughter is gone. Annabelle gets pissed and the field hockey teacher sees her smash her phone into a statue like a puck and tells her she’s on the team. Of course the game is violent as hell and Annabelle meets this girl from her old school, Verity, who is a bully. She gets knocked the fuck out right in the chin! It was awesome!

My penis...so...conflicted!

Flash Harry played by Russell Brand shows up to check on the vodka production after some people went blind and or died from the last batch. They have this Russian girl do a shot and she says its fine before passing out. Or dying. Not sure which. I don’t think I saw her again.

Don't worry. He doesn't ruin the movie.

That bully chick’s dad Geoffrey Thwaites played by Colin Firth shows up. It turns out that he and Camilla had a thing back in the day which totally creeped me out. Rupert is not a good looking woman. He sneaks into the school and sees a little girl floating in formoldehyde and ends up in a dressing room where one of the girls is doing phone sex. He steps in deadly ants, is attacked by the ants and tossed out the window by the girls. Now he’s pissed.

This scares me so much...

The girls of the school have a party and the bank shows up and tells them that they owe a shit ton of money and the school will be closed down. They have a few weeks to get like half a million pounds which in US dollars is all the money. Annabelle also finds out her dad is a bigger asshole than she thought. With the help of Flash Harry they decide to steal the painting Girl With A Pearl Earring or as one of the girls thinks, they’re gonna steal Scarlett Johansson. By the way, that painting is way smaller than I thought it was.

Come on with the pictures!

Annabelle ends up getting a makeover and my penis was uncomfortable since I didn’t’ know how old this actress playing her was. I hate this. They make young chicks look all sexy and my wang turns into a question mark and I have to wait until I get home to Google these broads before I can make deposits into my Spank Bank. A number should pop up on the screen to let me and every guy know whether or not we’re going to hell.

Nope.

Almost there...

And FAP!!!

Flash Harry pretends to be a gay German art dealer and tells Annabelle’s dad that he will sell him the painting. The school goes on this show called School Challenge to win some money in the same museum where the painting is being held. The girls will try and steal it while the others play the game. It involves dodging lasers and using high explosives. Those two evil little girls are in charge of the explosion. The girls playing the game use ear pieces with the answers being given, drugs and sweet, sweet loving to distract the players. They win the game fairly eventually, steal the painting, and collect a reward for returning the real painting and selling a fake one painted by Camilla to Annabelle’s dad. St. Trinian’s wins everything!

I have three thoughts that could get me locked up right now.

This movie was nutty as hell but I liked it. I had never heard of it but its from a series of stories created in the 50’s. There’s even been a bunch of movies based off these girls that have come out since the 60’s or so. I watched this with Beast Man and The H. because they have seen far more obscure things than I have.