Theater Whore: The Lone Ranger

So I decided to watch The Lone Ranger because I was in the mood to torture myself. I had heard all the reviews but nothing to detailed to spoil the movie and saw how little it made compared to how much it cost to make. To me this movie was destined to fail just like John Carter and Green Hornet. They are characters that millions of people know but that doesn’t mean that folks are gonna want to shell over close to $20 to watch them. 

The premise of this movie is pretty simple. Tonto played by Johnny Depp is telling the story of the adventures he and The Lone Ranger had. This, by the way, completely removed any sense of danger the film presented since he was an old man telling the story and The Lone Ranger was known as someone who could no longer die after being killed. So when no one can be killed why should I care what they do?

Armie Hammer plays The Lone Ranger and that’s pretty much it. His character is at first smart and cowardly and then the same but cant die. It really is hard to write about this movie’s plot since its so simple. Lone Ranger’s brother gets killed, he gets shot, he gets help by Tonto. 

This movie is long and it feels long. I just sat there wondering when it was about to wrap up and just when I thought it was it kept on going. This wasn’t a shitty movie. It was just boring and didn’t need to be made. In an interview Johnny Depp said “…the reviews were written 7-8 months before we released the film.” 

Now I can understand him saying that to an extent. I talked shit about World War Z before I saw it and ended up liking it. Armie Hammer then said “They’ve been gunning for our movie since it was shut down the first time, that's when most of the critics wrote their initial reviews. If you go back and read the negative reviews, most of them aren’t about the content of the movie, but more what's behind it. They tried to do the same thing with to World War Z, it didn’t work, the movie was successful. Instead they decided to slit the jugular of our movie.”

My thing is, if this movie turned out to be incredible or even halfway decent then critics wouldn’t have talked so much shit about it. I don’t care how much money they wasted doing this or how many explosions they had or how many tricks they taught the horse if you end up making Pirates Of the Caribbean on land. I know that a lot of people have probably said that but its true. 

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