Saturday, January 11, 2025

Twilight Zone List: Worst Twilight Zone Wives


Okay. New plan! After talking to my lady last night I realized that in some cases of this list that there could easily be more than one person to fit the category in a single season and like the last one sometimes there is not an example to use. So starting now if someone fits no matter where they appear in the show I am gonna use them. Turns out the first season has a lot of horrible wives for this list of the
Worst Twilight Zone Wives.


Season 1: Jacqueline deWit as Helen Bemis in “Time Enough At Last”



Witness Mr. Henry Bemis, a charter member in the fraternity of dreamers. A bookish little man whose passion is the printed page, but who is conspired against by a bank president and a wife and a world full of tongue-cluckers and the unrelenting hands of a clock. But in just a moment, Mr. Bemis will enter a world without bank presidents or wives or clocks or anything else. He'll have a world all to himself...without anyone.


Helen is probably on screen for a total of two minutes but she uses that time to be the worst. We all know the story of Bemis. Dude that loves reading any chance that he gets and ends up all alone when an H-bomb goes off while he is in a vault napping at work. But before all that we meet Helen. She mocks him for reading too much and as a joke asks him to read to her some poetry from one of his books. His face lights up he is so happy she is interested in something he loves! Turns out she crossed out all the writing in the book. This wouldn't take minutes to do. This woman stayed in and decided “You know what? I'm gonna fuck his day up.” She talks some more shit to him and rips the book up while smiling as he crumples to the ground asking why she did it. After the bomb had gone off and he heads home calling her name you know he was happy she didn't respond. That would have been a new kind of hell.


Season 1: Patricia Donahue as Jane Williams in “A Stop At Willoughby”



This is Gart Williams, age thirty-eight, a man protected by a suit of armor all held together by one bolt. Just a moment ago, someone removed the bolt, and Mr. Williams' protection fell away from him, and left him a naked target. He's been cannonaded this afternoon by all the enemies of his life. His insecurity has shelled him, his sensitivity has straddled him with humiliation, his deep-rooted disquiet about his own worth has zeroed in on him, landed on target, and blown him apart. Mr. Gart Williams, ad agency exec, who in just a moment, will move into the Twilight Zone—in a desperate search for survival.


Jane is bad. Her husband is falling apart mentally and physically because of the demands of his job. He falls asleep while heading home on a train and dreams of a wonderful place called Willoughby. He talks to his wife and she don't wanna hear shit about his life and wants to make sure he keeps working to make money for her to spend. She tells him he was born too late and made a “miserable tragic error to have married a man whose dream in life is to be Huckleberry Finn.” He falls asleep again and says next time he is gonna stay in that magical town. He has a panic attack at work and calls his wife who listens to his cries for help and just hangs up in his face. He later gets off in Willoughby and...if you haven't seen this episode I won't spoil the ending.


Season 2: Jean Carson as Paula in “A Most Unusual Camera”



A hotel suite that, in this instance, serves as a den of crime, the aftermath of a rather minor event to be noted on a police blotter, an insurance claim, perhaps a three-inch box on page twelve of the evening paper. Small addenda to be added to the list of the loot: a camera, a most unimposing addition to the flotsam and jetsam that it came with, hardly worth mentioning really, because cameras are cameras, some expensive, some purchasable at five-and-dime stores. But this camera, this one's unusual because in just a moment we'll watch it inject itself into the destinies of three people. It happens to be a fact that the pictures that it takes can only be developed in The Twilight Zone.


This thieving ass couple named Chester and Paula stole a bunch of stuff from an antique shop. Chester thinks most of it is worthless and finds a camera. He takes a picture of Paula and it shows her wearing a fur they later find in one of the boxes they stole. The camera takes pictures of the future! Next it predicts her brother showing up which makes no sense because he is prison. Nope. He escaped. A waiter that works in the hotel they staying at tells them the camera takes ten pictures for each owner and they have blown through eight. They win money at the races and take a picture showing Paula scared. Her brother and Chester start fighting and fall out the window. She is like “Oh, well.” and takes a photo of their corpses. Her husband and brother just died and she is happy to keep the money to herself. The waiter shows up and starts blackmailing her and shoving money into a bag. The waiter says there is more than two bodies in the picture and she rushes over to look and trips and falls to her own goofy ass death. Good. The waiter sees there are four, gets scared, and falls out himself. Its dumb. She was dumb.


Season 3: Alma Platt as Marie Holt in “The Trade-Ins”



Mr. and Mrs. John Holt, aging people who slowly and with trembling fingers turn the last pages of a book of life and hope against logic and the preordained that some magic printing press will add to this book another limited edition. But these two senior citizens happen to live in a time of the future where nothing is impossible, even the trading of old bodies for new. Mr. and Mrs. John Holt, in their twilight years, who are about to find that there happens to be a zone with the same name.


I might get shit for adding this one, but hear me out. I get mad at this old lady every time I watch this episode even though I know its supposed to be sweet. This old couple, John and Marie, head to this place to trade in their old ass bodies for new ones. If they are not happy they can switch back to their original bodies after a week. Think of all the crime you could commit! Anyhoot, this costs only $5,000 but they old and don't do their research thinking they could both get it done for that amount. Marie is like “You more raggedy. You do it.” John won't do it unless they both can. John takes the money to a poker game and loses most of his money. This gambler is like “Why you doing this?” and after explaining he is old and decrepit the gambler feels bad and lets him win his money back. John goes and gets a new body. This man doing cartwheels and has no pain. Marie looks at him like he got three heads and he ends up going back into his rusty dusty old body and they shuffle off into the world.


Fuck this! She said he could do it. This man risked having zero dollars and got the procedure done only for her to be like “I don't know this new body!” all over her face. No! Let me live pain free at least for six days! From now on when I wake up pissing myself on the way to the bathroom and my knees sounding like a bag of chips when I stand up I am gonna look over at Marie and sneer. That's just me. This is my list.


Season 5: Ruta Lee as Flora Gordon in “A Short Drink From A Certain Fountain”



Picture of an aging man who leads his life, as Thoreau said, 'in quiet desperation.' Because Harmon Gordon is enslaved by a love affair with a wife forty years his junior. Because of this, he runs when he should walk. He surrenders when simple pride dictates a stand. He pines away for the lost morning of his life when he should be enjoying the evening. In short, Mr. Harmon Gordon seeks a fountain of youth, and who's to say he won't find it? This happens to be the Twilight Zone.


This one might be one of the worst wives in Twilight Zone. Flora is married to this old man who is burned out because he is with a woman that has more than two years left to live. He comes home and she is dancing, smoking, and breaking shit and like “You rich. Buy another!” Her husband, Harmon, has a brother that is a scientist and working on a youth serum. His brother, Raymond, is telling him this shit is experimental and he won't give it to him so Harmon is like “I'm gonna just kill myself then.” His brother gives it to him and lets him know that he hates Flora. This is not a secret. The next day he wakes up all younger and ready to travel and spend more money on Flora. Immediately he gets bubble guts and has to lay down. His brother keeps Flora out of the room while Harmon rests. Later he tells Flora her life is about to change. Harmon is now a little Latino baby. He says that Flora gotta raise him now and if she bounces or gets a nanny that all money will be cut off. I am not sure how legal any of this is but I am messy and here for it. He points out by the time Harmon is a young adult that Flora will be old. The best part of this episode is the look on her face as the brother explains the new rules to her.


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