The Review: Blackenstein

Blackenstein BWAHAHAHA/10

I think I may have watched the best worst movie ever! Blackenstein was so much more than I wanted it to be. It is so insane that even the end credits scroll the wrong way. I thought this was about a scientist that created a Frankenstein monster that happened to be Black and he went insane or whatever. Wrong! This soldier named Eddie got his arms and legs blown off during Vietnam and his fiancee Winifred asks for one of her former professors to help him. His name is Doctor Stein and he got a Nobel Prize for solving the DNA genetic code. Hey. Quiet. Of course it makes no sense. She tours his new place and gets a job immediately and meets his assistant Malcomb. What an odd name. Malcomb can not even begin to pretend he doesn't want her draws. I'm surprised there wasn't a slide whistle sound effect every time he looked at her. Stein shows Winifred some other patients he is treating like this 90 year old that he has helped to look 80 (as far as I'm concerned) and some dude with a leg transplant that has one tiger leg.

Meanwhile Eddie is at a VA hospital where an orderly is treating him like shit and won't give him ice cream. As soon as Winifred shows up he is like “I told you not to come!” Hey. Asshole. Chill. With his 70 year old looking ass. So he agrees to go along with this transplant. So he has new arms and legs and everything is going well. Don't ask where they got extra arms and legs from. There is a science explanation. Malcomb confesses to Winifred that he loves her and the way she smells. She tells him “Back the fuck up!” in the nicest way possible. Besides, her man is downstairs getting new feet and dick beaters. Chill. He gets mad at switches up Eddie's medication which causes him to get hairy hands and a big ass brow. One night Eddie manages to sneak out the place and starts killing folks. It is implied he killed a dog and a dude but they don't show it. You just hear the dude let loose the nelliest of screams. Then there is like a two minute scene of the wife in the most 70's nightie you have ever seen walking around looking for her man and dog. It is an excuse to show a naked ass lady. So he kills her. Oh, I forgot! His first victim was the asshole at the VA hospital! He somehow gets in there and manhandles the guy before ripping his arm off and walking away with it chewing it like Laffy Taffy.

I can't even begin to tell you how he kills people. They scream real loud and suddenly covered in ketchup. He gets back to the lab without being discovered somehow and each night goes out to kill. I also don't know where he got his outfit from. He has a legit Frankenstein outfit including shiny ass shoes. Stein and Winifred don't know what's going on and why he isn't getting better but that asshole Malcomb does. One night Eddie kills a dude that was trying to make out with his girl who wanted to go home. Wait. I think he killed her not the guy. Then he kills a dude that was attacking a woman. Then he kills the woman. Then he heads to the lab and kills that old lady and the tiger legged man. He comes to Winifred's room and Malcomb is trying to climb on top of her. He fires shots at Eddie and it does nothing. He kills Malcomb and chases after Winifred. And by chases I mean saunters. And by saunter I mean shuffle. Seriously, if you were trapped in a phone booth with him you'd be able to escape. He has one speed and it is sloth.

These cops show up that were looking for a killer after Winifred managed to calm Eddie down. Stein jumps on Eddie's back because why not and gets thrown to the ground and sparks start shooting everywhere. It was baffling. Eddie gets loose and finds this random ass woman and starts chasing her. And by chase her I mean shuffling ever so slightly. She horror move escapes until she gets to a ladder. I said out loud “Climb that shit!” She grabs one rung. Then another. Sighs. Lifts her leg slowly to climb and OH SHIT BLACKENSTEIN! He grabs her but then The LA County Canine Corps show up. They bark at him for a minute then tear his arm off and rip his stomach open. How?! Anyhoot, they do and walk away happy with an arm and he dead and then church music starts playing. This movie had the strangest soundtrack.

This movie was so confusing. No one should have been killed in this. This guy moaned everywhere he went and moved incredibly slow. Watch the trailer or something if you don't believe how slow he moves. Everything about this movie was bonkers. The church music. The loud ass screaming would cut suddenly with the scene change. Every time the doctor would do a voice over it sounded like he was in the bathroom. I am so glad I watched this. I have heard of this movie my entire life and I am sure I called someone Blackenstein at some point. Do not expect a classic. They show lady breast meat twice in this which was far less than the last couple films I watched with Pam Grier. Check it out on Amazon.

John Hart as Dr. Stein

Ivory Stone as Dr. Winifred Walker

Joe De Sue as Eddie Turner

Roosevelt Jackson as Malcomb

Andrea King as Eleanor

Nick Bolin as Bruno Stragor

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