The
Arena 6/10
Dude,
this movie was fucking bananas. I just watched a Pam Grier movie so
Amazon added this as a suggestion and as soon as I looked up the
poster I knew I had to watch it. By the way, I need to point out that
Grier had to be the most attractive woman to ever be seen at this
point in cinema. Yeah, there were a lot of pretty ladies but none of
them had the boom boom pow that Grier had. Fight me if you wanna be
proven wrong. The Arena was made in 1974 and is about a bunch of
women that were captured and brought to Rome as slaves. I am not
gonna use their character names so I am gonna go based off of
physical features and such. The blonde chick was stolen from a place
that looked like something out of Midsommar. They slaughtered
everyone in sight and brought her. The black chick was dancing to
drums when all the men were killed and they got her. The other two
don't really matter but there is the redhead with curly hair and the
asshole. So they get brought to Rome and they all speak the same
language and all get doused with water outside as a bath. They needed
to show some naked ass women and they knew exactly how to do it. Oh,
wait. There is some other woman. She was ditsy or something.
Whatever.
I'm
not exactly sure what the women were brought for. They are supposed
to sleep with gladiators and make food which is about as bad as when
I worked in the hospital and had to clean toilets and serve patients.
Those are two different jobs, people! Anyhoot, so the black chick has
to bone down with this black gladiator and he tries to sneak fuck her
until she turns the tables and threatens to cut his throat, bitch
slap him, and shame him. Then the sex. The blonde chick tries to
inspire this other dude. The redhead is too stupid to know her life
is in danger. The asshole no one gets with. Seriously, every time she
was on screen I rolled my eyes so hard I could read my mind. Oh, they
have to dance too. The black chick does this dance and I was like
“You might wanna tone that down they trying to fuck up in this
place!”
So the
Romans watch dudes kill each other so much for sport that they get
bored of it. Then one day the black chick starts fighting with the
asshole and then the blonde jumps in and breast meat starts showing
and butts and food is everywhere. The main jerk dude rushes to see
the commotion and someone suggests that the women fight in the arena
to liven things up. Yeah. That sounds like a great idea. Oh, no. My
eyes are rolling again! So the women are trained and by trained I
mean given weapons to use and by use I mean flail them at one another
while giggling. This is not a ha-ha hee-hee moment! Y'all gonna have
to fight! And they do. And by fight I mean the swing weapons until
they are tired and fall down. The next fight has to be to the death
and the black chick is forced at arrow point and this was my
reaction.
So
after taking an arrow to the arm she kills the girl. One of the guys
that was boning down with her is torn up about it. The blonde goes to
him at night and mentions something about a daughter and now I am all
confused. Who had a kid?! So he decides to help them start a
revolution. During a death battle between the black chick and the
blonde one they somehow manage to have lady archers take out the dude
ones and all hell breaks loose and they try to escape but some of the
ladies die and other ones appear out of thin air. Seriously, they do
close up meaningful shots of some ladies dying and I was like “Who
you?!” The blonde and black chick are the only ones to escape in
the end.
This
movie was funnier than it was supposed to be. When someone was shot
with anything the camera would just cut to them holding a spear,
arrow, or sword to their body while arching their back and screaming.
There are some breasticle images, butts, and 70's bush. No dongs
thankfully because this movie was just full of ugly men. I looked at
the makers of this and there are surprisingly some really talented
film makers that were involved in this. Check this out on Amazon if
you're in the mood to be baffled.
Margaret
Markov as Bodicia
Pam
Grier as Mamawi
Lucretia
Love as Deirdre
Paul
Muller as Lucilius
Daniele
Vargas as Timarchus
Marie
Louise as Livia
Mary
Count as Lucinia
Rosalba
Neri as Cornelia
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