Midsommar
9/10
This
will be full of spoilers. Like complete full on ass spoilers. I
watched Midsommar with Koko yesterday because I still have no blu-ray
player. This is one of the movies that would have been amazing in a
theater in full Black Stereo. This movie is a mixture of all the
things I don't want to do and they just get piled on top of one
another. I cursed a lot while watching this and telling people to not
do things that seem totally normal to everyone else. It starts with
this college student named Dani trying to contact her sister after
getting some dark ass emails from her. She can't get in touch with
her parents either. She calls her boyfriend Christian (who you will
learn to hate after thinking he was cool) who says that her sister,
who is bipolar, does this all the time for attention. He is not happy
with Dani but doesn't have the balls to break up with her and his
friends think she is too much and that they need to split. Next thing
you know Dani calls him wailing on the phone.
Turns
out her sister was 'bout that life and hooked a hose up to two cars
and ran one nozzle into her parents room killing them and one right
into her mouth killing herself. Now Christian still wants to split
with her but would be the ultimate dick to do it right now. Before
this you see that she already takes anti anxiety pills. They go to a
party and she finds out that Christian was planning on going to
Sweden and he never told her. She explains why that is a shitty thing
to do and he tries to gaslight her ass. He invites her but says that
she said she will go but won't actually go. So of course she wants to go. So
far we have reached the first part of me being nervous. They are in
another country. After driving for hours they find Pelle's, the
Swedish dude, people. He was raised in a small village. Second part
of me being nervous. He says it is a community and they all wear
white. Part three of the nervousness! Oh, now they take mushrooms.
Fuck this. Oh, and there is a Black dude there and someone I knew
that had seen this did not tell me anything about this movie but said
that there was a good reason for him to be there which there was. I
have to point that out because as a Black person who grew up watching
horror I know that for the most part we do not go to strange ass
places where no one else looks like else.
Dani
starts tripping on the drugs and runs away to a bathroom and sees
some face in the mirror and runs out and ends up sleeping for six
hours. There is no night here. When it is dark its like 5pm dark.
They meet with the rest of the commune and on the outside it is
pretty damn perfect looking. Everyone is happy and singing. There is
live background music playing. Shit seems fine. Pelle explains that
this is a nine day festival. They end up going to a festival where
they all gather at the bottom of a cliff and the next thing you know
an old woman takes the Nestea Plunge off that bastard! In case you
are wondering, yes, they show her hit the ground. They show every
aspect of what it looks like when someone dies from a fall from a
great height. But wait. There's more! The old guy takes the leap and
does not die but his leg looks like the 405 at 4:30 in the afternoon.
Then its hammer time. Three people take turns bashing his face in
with a hammer. The village wails with him until he is dead. Dani and
Christian and the rest are freaked out but not enough to leave yet.
As soon as I saw that old lady up there I would have vanished into
thin air.
One of
the elders explains that the people do this when they are older and
it is recycling. The fuck?! Pelle explains some of the other weird
aspects of the group. They all sleep in one room until they are 18.
Then another until they are 36. Then when they are 72 they electric
slide off a cliff. There are other people that were invited by group
members. This couple Simon and Connie from London want to get the
fuck away. Later Connie is packing and told that Simon is already at
the station and they will come back for her. You can guess how their
story ends. If you can't I'll tell you later. Christian being an
asshole decides to do his thesis on this group after Josh who has
been studying this shit for years has already told him that he was. I
loved the scene when he points out that Christian ain't shit. At this
point this young girl has taken a liking to Christian and everyone
sees it. Oh, hi Mark. Forgot to mention him.
Mark
is the dude that you don't want to bring with you anywhere. He vapes
everywhere he is. He wants to fuck everything in the room. So at one
point he ends up peeing on this tree and this guy loses his shit on
him. Turns out the tree is sacred to their entire lineage. The guy
mad dogs Mark the rest of the movie until Mark is called away to talk
to someone and you never see his ass. Well, you see him but not
alive. Josh starts interviewing people for his thesis and wants to
take photos of their book but it is forbidden. Of course he sneaks
out to take pictures and ends up being snuck on by Mark. But it ain't
Mark. Someone is wearing Mark's face! Stop. Hammer time! Josh gets
his head bashed in. So now two dudes are dead from the group. By the
way, I am having fun writing this review for this crazy ass movie. If
I had seen this sooner it would have made my Best Movies Of The Year
list.
Dani
is suspicious that Connie and Simon are gone. Josh and Mark (dead)
are missing and allegedly so is one of their sacred books. Christian
distances himself from his friends and is in full asshole mode now.
During a ceremony Dani is brought in to dance around a maypole. The
last person standing wins. She gets some more drugs and dances around
until she is last. Meanwhile Christian drinks some crazy shit and is
called to speak to one of the elders. He explains he does not know
where the book is but she is like “This ain't about that book. This
about that dick of yours.” She brings him into this room where the
young girl is butt booty ass naked surrounded by a bunch of naked old
ladies singing. He inhales some other drug that gets him rock hard
and has sex with her. And by sex I mean the weirdest sex scene I have
seen...in years. I sold porn for seven years. I have seen some weird
shit. One old lady is even pushing his ass to go deeper. The cringing
was real! So he finishes up and runs out the place but naked. He
finds Simon, or what is left of him, hanging in a chicken coop with
his lungs outside his body and still sort of alive. And Connie was drowned but that was a deleted scene. Christian turns
around and gets dust blown in his face and collapses.
Dani
who won the queen contest is paraded around and ends up spotting
Christian having sex in this weird ass room and starts wailing. Not
crying. Wailing. The other women surround her and begin wailing just
like her. It was creepy. But she digs it. Think. Since her family
died no one has really talked to her about it or comfort her. You
never see her friends. The only person that talked to her about it or
remembered her birthday was Pelle the guy who invited them. So now
there is this big ceremony where nine sacrifices have to be made.
Josh, Connie, Simon, and Mark are there. Four members of the village.
And it is up to Dani to pick the ninth one. Of course she picks
Christian! He is sewn into the corpse of a bear and burned alive in a
room with everyone else. In case you are wondering why he didn't
fight it that drug they gave him keeps him from talking or being able
to move. Dani is sad looking at first until she slowly starts to
smile watching the fire burn and then...credits.
This
movie was fucking insane but I couldn't suggest it to everyone. This
is not one of those movies where you can be checking your phone or
stepping out of the room. Every scene has a detail. I didn't even
mentioned the pube pie! Yeah, I left that out. You deal with it. They explain the ultra mega imbred kid. The
effects in this are subtle but amazing. We had to rewind a scene at a
table because the flowers were subtly alive as well as the food they
were eating. There are faces hidden in objects. You see flashes of
her dead family pop up in the crowd. This was done by the same
director as Hereditary and I couldn't even make it halfway through
that movie because I thought it was wack. This one though was great
and spooky and creepy and gross at times and insane. I just watched the trailer and there are definitely some scenes that are not in the movie but maybe in the extended version.This is now on
Amazon.
Florence
Pugh as Dani Ardor
Jack
Reynor as Christian Hughes
William
Jackson Harper as Josh
Vilhelm
Blomgren as Pelle
Will
Poulter as Mark
Ellora
Torchia as Connie
Archie
Madekwe as Simon
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