Charlie's
Angels 1/10
This
was supposed to be a review but I ended up rambling. There were a lot
of shit reboots last year. Terminator Dark Fate, Hellboy, Men In Black International all stank. This movie, Charlie's Angels, was ass.
Why did I watch this? I was ironing. I didn't want to watch something
I thought would be good so I put this on. If anything it would be
cheesy and funny and I could at least be entertained by that. This
movie was not cheesy nor funny. I have seen maybe two episodes of the
original series. I saw all of the early 2000's movies and they were
funny. There was a series I forgot existed until I saw that it did
and lasted about four episodes before getting canceled. Now there is
this. No one asked for this.
One of
the Angels. “I think women can do anything.”
Dumb
dude. “Wow. Just because they can doesn't mean they should, right?”
Those
are the very first lines of the movie. I stopped ironing for a moment
and sighed. Like a full back arching sigh. They might as well just
called this “Charlie's Angels: Not For Dante.” If you ever meet
someone, no matter where the hell you are be it work, school, the
street, a bus, a wedding, or a hospital, just stop talking to them.
This conversation isn't gonna get better. You will just have a story
of meeting an asshole to talk to your friends about who wonder how
you manage to end up in these conversations weekly to post about
online. In this movie every guy is either trying to bone the ladies
or kill them. The guys are flat as hell. They are bad fighters, talk
stupid, and it is shocking that they have stayed alive long enough to
do any of the evil shit they do. So when one of the Angels eventually
beats them at anything its like “Cool. Not like it should have been
that hard in the first place.” There are three guys that are not
dirtbags. One dies, another takes care of their health, and another
wants to bone down with an Angel.
I'll
get to the plot soon.
Elizabeth
Banks directed, wrote, produced, and was a main character in this
movie. That is a lot and too much. She also said a lot of goofy shit
that sounds right if you're not actually listening. In an interview
she said “If this movie doesn't make money it reinforces a
stereotype in Hollywood that men don't go see women do action
movies.” Let's forget that Captain Marvel made over a billion and
that movie was trash or that Wonder Woman made over $800 million and
it was good because it wasn't Batman V Superman. But don't worry. She
had a response to that defense as well.
“They'll
go and see a comic book movie with Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel
because that's a male genre. So even though those are movies about
women, they put them in the context of feeding the larger comic book
world, so it's all about, yes, you're watching a Wonder
Woman movie but we're setting up three other characters or we're
setting up Justice League.” You hear that girls? Stop reading
comics, writing comics, drawing comics, doing cosplay, or having fun
because you're participating in a male genre. When people say shit
like that it just shows their age. No way someone under 45 is still
saying shit like that unless they are just talking out of their ass
and has probably never read a comic book unless auditioning for a
role. (checks her resume) Jesus. She was in Power Rangers.
Full
disclosure: I'm not a woman. Don't identify as one either except when
people refuse to acknowledge me as the new queen of R&B. But I am
part of a group seen as less. I'm Black (surprise!) and I would not
say a movie did bad because it was made by Black people or starred
mostly Black people. I would say its bad if it was bad though. But if
someone not Black said it was bad they would be called racist. When
you say things like that you end up with people either not discussing
a thing because they don't wanna come across as racist or not seeing
it because it is not made for them. So by Banks saying that men don't
go to see women in action movies or that comics is a male genre she
is trying to cover all her bases because she knew this movie was ass.
I have done this once before but here are a bunch of bad ass women
throughout my life from movies and TV and not once did I ever think
to not watch because of their gender or think they couldn't do
something because of their gender.
That
was just off the top of my head! Me and millions of guys grew up
watching these movies and shows and if a woman happened to be hot,
okay. If not whatever. I never think a woman has to be attractive to
be viable in order to do a job properly. I was having a conversation
recently with CK about how people get mad at how someone is
represented in media and champion for them but don't actually support
it. They just want to know it is there. It is this weird new
disingenuous (favorite word right now) way of virtue signaling that
does long term damage but satisfies instantly. It's soda. Some of the
best series of the last couple years have been led by powerful (and
terrifying) women. Look at Ozark. Look at Watchmen. Nadja on What We Do In The Shadows is the funniest one on the show. The series Legion.
There are things with what you want. It just turns out that you don't
watch it. Now on to the movie.
One of
the Angels, Sabina, takes down this guy who is involved with bad shit
by flirting with him. More Angels show up and kick ass and they
leave. The first Bosley, John Bosley, is retired and gets a watch. He
discovers that someone gave him a tracking device. They make it seem
as if Rebekah, another Bosley, is evil. This movie doesn't do
anything to make her seem innocent. There are situations where she
cant be reached where if they killed her and then discovered she was
not guilty you could say “Well, she acted super fucking shady
so...”
This
woman Elena helped make this device that could give the world free
clean energy but also cause seizures wants it stopped and worked on
more. Of course her boss is like “Nah...” The Angels grab her
during an assassination attempt and another Bosley dies. There are a
lot of Bosley's. They are the Angels handlers. Jane, another Angel,
rescues Elena and she is brought onto the team. She is immediately
put into dangerous situations but since she studied krav maga she is
fine. They have closets full of devices and costumes. Sitting here
thinking about it I can't recall all that many of them being used.
How
would I describe the Angels? Sabina talks like that embarrassing
friend that watched too many rap videos. She can fight. Jane can
fight too. And she is smart. She also happens to be a terrible shot
and gets her ass kicked a lot which is weird considering her
background that is explained. Elena is also smart and can fight
because krav maga classes. She is also exposition. There is no actual
difference between these characters. They just look different from
one another. There are parts that are supposed to be funny but
aren't. Death is treated like “Oops.” There are a lot of maybe he
will live and maybe he won't lines. I can't see these characters
being friends but there is a point where they survive an explosion
with a few scratches and one cries over the other like they have been
friends since childhood. They couldn't even remember each others
names two days ago!
This
also has the costume changes as disguises where it only matters once
because they all dress like another employee and damn near get her
innocent ass murdered. Women do not have to dress the way they do in
these movies for guys to harass them and for them to get closer to
these guys. At the start one of them says guys wait seven seconds
longer to consider a woman a threat so they use their sexiness
against the guys. With the way these guys act in this all the woman
would have to do is say hello. Shit, one of them wanders into a lab
and the guy helps her blow shit up. The fights are not cool looking.
The camera cuts constantly to hide it. They are supposed to be good
fighters but only easily win fights against guys not paying attention
of when the guys become suddenly inept.
I gave
this a 1 instead of a 0 because they tried. This movie tried. There
is a whole montage of women and girls doing things with inspirational
rap over it that made me turn the volume down. I am fully aware that
this was not made for me. As a fan of the earlier films and a fan of
action, ladies, and comedy this was not for me. I don't want to see
something on screen just to say it is there and being represented.
This could have been a good movie. If everything was different it
could have been good. If they had two strong young actresses and one
new one, an action director...just everything. And this was almost
two hours long. It sucks because if someone capable of doing this
movie came along there would be hesitation in doing so because of
this. I'm done rambling. Don't watch this. I wouldn't even suggest
leaving it on and doing other things because the music will make you
cringe. If this was for you that is awesome because it is a lot of not me in this.
Kristen
Stewart as Sabina Wilson
Naomi
Scott as Elena Houghlin
Ella
Balinska as Jane Kano
Elizabeth
Banks as Rebekah “Bosley”
Patrick
Stewart as John Bosley
Djimon
Hounsou as Edgar “Bosley” Dessange
Sam
Claflin as Alexander Brok
Jonathan
Tucker as Hodak
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