Theater Whore: 2 Guns

So I decided to see 2 Guns which turned out to be a major mistake. I didn't think it would be possible to make a film starring Denzel Washington, Mark Wahlberg, Edward James Olmos, and Bill Paxton not interesting. At the very least you'd think it would very difficult. Turns out that I was wrong. If I had known that this was based off a graphic novel I would have lowered my expectations for it since those are notoriously hard to adapt for film. But I'm stupid and always do my research after the fact. 

"You read the script? Yeah. Me neither."

This movie is about two people double crossing each other at the same time while also being double crossed by the agencies they work for (DEA and the military) who are in turn being double crossed by a federal agent who is also being double crossed by a Mexican drug lord. See what I mean? It got to a point where I wasn't sure what the hell was going on but I knew no matter what that these two would be friends till the end!

DVDiculous: Superman Unbound

Today I found out that a Superman movie, Superman: Unbound, came out a few months ago and I'll be damned if it wasn't pretty good. Not as good as Superman Vs. The Elite but it was still good. There are a few things happening in this and it could have easily been spit into two films so it feels rushed at times. 

Lois Lane lets Clark Kent aka Superman know that she is tired of hiding their relationship from everyone but he feels that he has to to protect her. Each time they try and talk he has to rush off to save the world, city, or Lois which he brings up and is totally true. I mean, the film starts off with her being held hostage and Supergirl and Superman having to save her ass. 

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Lena Headey

Just like the problem I have had coming up with a Bad Ass Mofo I have been having the same problems coming up with a new Bad Mamma Jamma. I think I have close to 40 BAM's and less than 20 BMJ's. There are a set list of things that will make someone a BMJ in my eyes and though it took a while for me to realize it, Lena Headey is definitely one!

Born in Hamilton, Bermuda and raised in England Headey is one of those actresses that don't always have to play off her looks to do her job well. She's someone I had seen many times and didn't know she was the same damned person. She was in The Brother's Grimm (which was how Hansel & Gretel should've been) and 300. Still, I didn't know this was the same person.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Karl Urban

Its been quite a while since I have done one of these. There are two reasons. One, Photobucket is now a pack of bullshit and they completely redid their site so that I couldn't edit pictures the way I wanted. I know it sounds small but I try to keep some form of consistency. Second, it is getting harder to find guys that qualify, to me, as a Bad Ass Mofo. This guy is not only qualified but he may actually be overqualified as being a BAM. I present to you Karl Urban!

"Hi."

Born in New Zealand Urban got his start at the age of 8 and later as a teen. I had seen this guy in films and had no idea that it was the same person. Apparently I had forgotten that he was on Xena: Warrior Princess with Bad Mamma Jamma Lucy Lawless. He was in Lord Of The Rings and I thought “This guy is intense!” and figured he was just some guy that would be the background dude but not get a real role in films. Thankfully, I was wrong.

Stop It Justin Bieber

You ever have one of those things in your life where you cant remember what life was like before it. You can fall in love and not recall your world before it. For some its a war. Others it’s a death in the family. For me its Justin Bieber. I cant really recall what it was like to live without this asshole invading every news source that I read and listen to. This isn’t my normal hating that I get accused of which I will openly admit to. I am a total hater but that is mostly towards men that women love that I can never look like. I would never want to look like Bieber but I would love to powerbomb him through a flaming table just once. 

When this little girl first came out I knew it was gonna be bad. When girls are young they like guys that look like them. He’s as smooth as a Anne Rice vampire and is not threatening no matter how hard he tries to be. The people he rolls with can be but more on that later. This is a 19 year old kid from Canada that acts like he is from the baddest borough in Brooklyn. He’s not. He’s a kid that got famous thanks to Youtube. One of the worst things about people like him is that he will say something and his fans will jump right on board with whatever he states like his belief that abortion is “like killing a baby.” If only his mother who was 17 when she had him believed the opposite. 

Ross Radio Show 151

Just felt like hearing some old school hip hop music. Brotherhood Creed Helluva, Dove Shack Summertime In Tha LBC, Naughty By Nature Jamboree, Wreckx N Effect Rump Shaker, Father MC I’ll Do 4 You, Heavy D More Bounce, Domino Getto Jam, LL Cool J The Boomin’ System, JJ Fad Supersonic, and MC Breed Ain’t No Future In Yo Frontin’. Click here for this and previous Ross Radio Shows. 

Nothing But Gossip August 14th 2013

Remember when Lamar Odom last his shit on that photographer after accusing him of cheating on Khloe Kardashian? Well, he will just have to pay for the shit he broke and will not do any jail time. Good for him. That cameraman was a dick.

Justin Bieber in an effort to prove he isn’t a dick posted a photo on his Instagram of him giving a homeless woman some money from his car. How nice of him. But still…he is a total asshole. 

Kevin Federline, the former Mr. Britney Spears, has gotten married for the third time. That makes this his third wife and he has five kids between them all. Pull out, man!

Theater Whore: The Lone Ranger

So I decided to watch The Lone Ranger because I was in the mood to torture myself. I had heard all the reviews but nothing to detailed to spoil the movie and saw how little it made compared to how much it cost to make. To me this movie was destined to fail just like John Carter and Green Hornet. They are characters that millions of people know but that doesn’t mean that folks are gonna want to shell over close to $20 to watch them. 

The premise of this movie is pretty simple. Tonto played by Johnny Depp is telling the story of the adventures he and The Lone Ranger had. This, by the way, completely removed any sense of danger the film presented since he was an old man telling the story and The Lone Ranger was known as someone who could no longer die after being killed. So when no one can be killed why should I care what they do?

DVDiculous: Odd Thomas

A few years back I was all about Dean Koontz’s series Odd Thomas about a kid that has the ability to see and interact with the dead. The series was good for about two books but with the departure of Elvis Presley, the introduction of people with special needs (which pops up quite a bit in Koontz books) and magical dogs (the second thing that always pops up in his books) I lost interest in the stories. I found out that a film had been completed which was weird because the last I heard it was in development hell and there were multiple fan films made.

Anton Yelchin who was recently in Star Trek Into Darkness stars as Odd Thomas. Like I said, he can see and communicate with the dead. It starts with a dead young girl walking up to him. He ends up using his psychic magnetism to find this guy driving and ends up chasing him down and brawling with him, knocking his ass out until the cops show up. Willem Dafoe plays police chief Wyatt Porter who knows of Odd’s powers and reluctantly uses his help in solving crimes.

DVDiculous: Justice League: Flashpoint Paradox

I have to state that I found out about this movie totally on accident. I was trolling around and saw this and wondered if I had seen it already or something. Turns out I didn’t. It also turns out that this may be the very best animated DC Comics film I’ve ever seen. One of the best things a comic book film, movie, or physical comic book can do is make me really care about characters that I really don’t give a damn about one way or another. Justice League: Flashpoint Paradox was a cool ass movie from top to bottom.

Its based off of a 2011 storyline that I know nothing about because I don’t buy comic books anymore. The story focuses on Barry Allen aka The Flash and his regret at not being home in time when he was a child to save his mother’s life. After the Justice League consisting of Wonder Woman, Batman, Green Lantern, Cyborg, and Aquaman show up to help defeat some of Flash’s enemies Zoom (Reverse Flash) guilt trips Flash who runs off so fast he fucks up time. 

Flash wakes up at work and everything is weird. He heads off to go battle and doesn’t speed up. He crashes to the ground and his mother meets him. Flash is shocked that she is alive but still knows something is off. He finds out that the world is all screwed up and that Wonder Woman and Aquaman are on the verge of starting a world war between each other and Earth. 

Theater Whore: Star Trek Into Darkness

The hardest thing about watching this Star Trek Into Darkness is that it feels like I am jumping into the middle of a lot of stuff that has already happened off screen. With other versions of Star Trek there are shows and such in between so that you have some kind of glimpse into what has occurred in the middle. I cant really review this the way I do other films because this is mostly running. Running from explosions, running towards explosions, running from aliens, running to ships, and running towards certain death.

As I watched this I wish it had been a story of the planet they were rescuing at the beginning. The story of Khan when finally revealed made close to no sense. It was like “Seriously? That was the big plan all along?” It was full of moments with communicators not working at just the right time and enough close calls for five separate films. It seemed like they took all of the things you know about the characters such as behavior and catchphrases and turned them up to eleven. Accents were heavier, quips more frequent, smug smiles more…smuggy. 

Theater Whore: Red 2

I was reading my first review of Red that I wrote after first seeing it and it doesn’t sound like I was all that excited about it. Since then I own the movie (an awesome gift) and watch it every month or so because its just a damned fun movie. When I was told there was gonna be a Red 2 I lost my mind because I imagined how fun it would be to see. I wasn’t disappointed. This is just as fun as the first movie. The cast all return except for Morgan Freeman because, well, you know.

Bruce Willis as Frank Moses is trying to live a non-violent life with his lady Sarah played by Mary-Louise Parker. John Malkovich’s Marvin (who is blown up) lets him know that the reason she is with Frank is because of all the excitement he brings in her life and being nice and quiet is not what she wants. After Marvin’s funeral Frank is taken to be interrogated and escapes with Marvin’s help who of course isn’t dead. The escape is fucking awesome by the way. The guy hunting them down is named Jack Horton and he is played by this actor Neal McDonough who is a dick in every movie he is in. He is playing Karl Urban’s role from the first movie but seems way too unhinged to be as high up in the government as he is.

Nothing But Gossip August 6th 2013

Former American Idol judge and now he is on one of those other shows just like it Simon Cowell knocked up his friends future ex wife. Lauren Silverman and her husband Andrew Silverman are splitting because Simon cant keep his junk in his pants. The couple have a 7 year old. Stay classy!

Some girls snuck into Paris Hilton’s home during a party and tried to steal some of her shit. They were discovered and dropped it while getting away. Have you noticed that Paris has started popping up in the news more lately? 

Actor Terrence Howard is in trouble for beating his wife again. Well, ex wife. They split because he was kicking her ass but they recently got back together and it happened all over again. Back in May she sent him some messages saying things like “I would start hiding if I were u“, “Be careful when u leave your place. U should move“, “I know where u and ur family live. Watch yourself.”

Britney Spears went to church recently and this is what she wore. Appropriate?

All Grown An' Shit 4

Remember that show Wonder Years? Of course you do. It was a great show that every once in a while would toss a super depressing ass episode in to remind you about the time period the show took place in. One of the main reasons I and other guys watched the show was because of Winnie Cooper. There is no secret that I am thousands of other guys grew up wishing that we had a neighbor that was literally “the girl next door.” I have never in my life had a neighbor that I wanted to get with. Yeah, there was that fat chick over the summer vacation when I was about 13 but that doesn’t count. She lived across the street, not next door.

So Winnie Cooper was played by an actress named Danica McKellar. She has vanished from the public meaning my line of sight for a long ass time until she popped up in Maxim magazine. Now with actresses from when I was little you never know what they are gonna look like when they grow up much like with girls you go to school with. The hottest girl can become a mess and a girl you barely paid attention to will grow up to be a damned bombshell. Winnie Cooper grew up pretty damn good looking.

Theater Whore: R.I.P.D

I kind of knew what I was getting into by seeing this movie. It reminds me of Hellboy and Constantine from the trailer. The difference is that I’ve watched the other films multiple times and will watch them again. Not so much with R.I.P.D. This movie could’ve been good but it seemed to drift in a strange place between a serious movie and a comedy but couldn’t find the proper balance to be an actual good movie.

Ryan Reynolds who single-handedly killed any hope for a good Green Lantern film plays a cop who is betrayed by his partner, Kevin Bacon. He ends up in the afterlife and being assigned to be a policeman that brings back dead people that don’t know they are dead of some bullshit. It really doesn’t make sense especially when later on you find out they have a plan. He leaves his wife behind who is totally being perved on by Bacon.