Theater Whore: Green Lantern

“Anything I see in my mind, I can create…” - Green Lantern

I wish he could’ve seen making a good film. Yeah, you all can see where this is going. Like millions of others I have seen Green Lantern and will commence to taking a giant, steaming, Texas sized shit on it. I mean, wow. As I sit here letting this movie sink into my mind I can only ask myself “Who was this film for?”

Surely it wasn’t for fans of Green Lantern the character. Maybe it was for fans of Ryan Reynolds (Smokin’ Aces, Just Friends, Waiting). Because if you really want to see a great Green Lantern film all’s you gotta do is check out Green Lantern: First Flight. Now that was a cool ass flick. This…not so much.

This is the story of Hal Jordan who finds a downed spaceship that has an alien that gives him a ring of great power and its battery. Hal isn’t even kinda shocked to not only find a spaceship but a friggin’ alien. Not afraid of mystery diseases it may have or anything. So he buries it. Yeah. Under a pile of rocks. You cant do that in minutes, people. Trust me. I know. Don’t ask.

His friend Tom played by Taika Waititi (Eagle vs. Shark) works with him and helps him escape approaching government agents. Oh, those pesky agents always ruining folks fun! After getting his ass kicked and then using the ring to beat normal people’s asses he is flung into space. Okay, before I continue let me state that again. When I say he beats normal people’s asses I mean he may have killed them! He hit’s a guy so hard he flies through a brick wall.

Brick!

Those guys have to be brain dead at the very least! Sorry. So he wakes up on another planet in another universe and meets a fish looking creature named Tomar-Re played by Geoffrey Rush (The King’s Speech, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Frida). Again, he’s not really freaked out. In fact he has time to strut in his new costume. And then guess what happens. Montage, bitches!

But not really. He kinda just gets his ass kicked by Kilowag played by Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile, Kung Fu Panda, Talladega Nights) and Sinestro played by Mark Strong (Kick Ass, Sherlock Holmes, Sunshine). Strong is so wasted in this. Dude can act his ass off but it is lost in this cartoon of a film. Did I mention that you should just watch Green Lantern: First Flight?

Meanwhile on Earth…!

Peter Sarsgaard (Rendition, Jarhead, Shattered Glass) plays Hector Hammond, the world’s worst super villain. He gets bitten by an evil entity that was inside of the dead alien Hal Jordan found and becomes telekinetic, can read minds, and look butt ass ugly. With the ability to do all of this and more what does he decide to do? Chase a girl.

Blake Lively (Gossip Girl, The Town, Accepted) plays Carol Ferris, the girl everyone wants just because she is pretty. She brings nothing to this role except something nice to look at when the screen isn’t filled with shiny CGI. Throw in some other great actors like Tim Robbins and Angela Bassett and we got ourselves a movie! But not really. The Guardians who actually created the evil that is threatening everything alive just sit around thinking about shit while everything goes to hell. Way to be proactive!

I hate smoke monsters. Any villain that is made of smoke or energy is bullshit. I like to see superheroes hit things. When you are flying through space punching a smoking skull it does nothing for me. Much like this film. I didn’t even care enough about the characters to hate it. It just exists. And if you know me (which you probably don’t) this is the most insulting thing I can say about a person, place, or thing. I felt nothing for the actors, the effects, or the story. I was waiting for Ryan Reynolds to just look at the screen and wink every time he was on it.

And don’t get me started on the music. It sounded very generic. And why when Kilowag is on the screen some cheap ass 70’s style Black music plays lightly? Huh?! We all know he is voiced by a big Black man, but did we really need the twangy bass when he was on screen? And they end up making Sinestro evil almost for no reason. Everything is fine and good. Good has triumphed over evil. Then all of a sudden its like “Fuck it. I’m sick of wearing green” and he slides the ring on. I. Don’t. Get. It. Yes, I know he is a villain in the comics that was once a part of The Lantern Corps. But with no reason given in the film as to why he turned evil, it just screams of, “You bitches ready for a sequel?!”

This movie didn’t have to happen at all. Seriously, it didn’t. Green Lantern isn’t that interesting of a character to warrant his own film. Hey, DC? How about making Superman good? How about making Wonder Woman a viable option? No? Hell, I’d even see a Martian Manhunter movie. But this nonsense? Ugh. Some poor studio paid over $200,000,000 for a film about daddy issues.

Oh, and a few dozen people get burned to a crisp by Fear but its all okay because Hal Jordan looks cool when he makes his mask appear and disappear.