The Review: Hot Tub Time Machine (old review)

Okay, now I know a lot of people shit on this movie for the title alone. But I’m one of those people where if you have something that sounds goofy enough I will check it out. Hot Tub Time Machine is one of those kinda movies. Now to let everyone know, when this movie was billed as the next hangover I was hesitant. I’m that one guy that didn’t like The Hangover. At all. I chuckled at one scene and that was it. But I figured I’d give this one a shot.

This movie stars John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, and Clark Duke. Cusack comes home to find his wife has left him with nothing. Literally. His nephew played by Duke lives in his basement playing video games about prison. Corrdry almost kills himself drunk driving. Not actually while driving but check it out and you’ll see why it’s the dumbest and funniest ways to almost die. And Robinson works at a pet boutique pulling objects out of dogs asses and helping them lose weight.

The Review: Book Of Eli (old review)

Sometimes you see a movie that makes you feel religious. Sometimes you see a movie and it makes you want to whoop some ass. How often do you get both at the same time? Allow me to introduce you to The Book Of Eli starring Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, and Mila Kunis and directed by The Hughes Brothers of Menace 2 Society and Dead Presidents fame.

The Book Of Eli is a story set in a future where something terrible happened leaving the entire planet scorched. The exact year is never stated but when a certain disco song is played and listened to like its an oldie (I’m talking old oldie) you figure it has to be quite a ways away from now.

We follow Eli as he heads “west”. That’s all he will say. He comes across crazed bikers, cannibals, and a crooked man, Gary Oldman as Carnegie, that runs a small town with weapons, fear, and the knowledge that he’s the only person that can read. After Eli wanders into his town where he invited to stay the night he meets Solara played by a filthy yet very hot Mila Kunas who we know from That 70’s Show and Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

The Review: Armored (old review)

This movie kicks ass. Plain and simple. If you want to see violence, suspense, and general ass kicking this I the movie for you. I wasn’t all that excited about seeing this movie at first. “Stealing money. Trouble starts. Fighting amongst the group. Been there. Seen that.” Oh, how wrong I was. I really need to stop going to movies based on trailers.

Armored starts off with a new guy played by Columbus Short joining the armored truck service. His dad worked at the same place once so all the guys treat him like family. They even stage a fake hold up to haze him in. It was rather fucked up but it showed how he would handle a stressful situation.

Things go downhill when one day Matt Dillon tells the new guy about a plan to steal $42 million from the next delivery. New guy doesn’t want to do it. He’s new. He’s a war hero. He just wants to make an honest living and take care of his younger brother. He caves in. He’s in debt. He’d be stupid to not take that much money. Right? I mean, in that situation who wouldn’t take it? You don’t know the guys he’s rolling with.

The Review: Wolfman (old review)

Wow, Wolfman. I have wanted to see this movie for months. I remember when I first saw the trailer I was like “Anthony Hopkins? Benecio Del Toro? I am so there!” So when I finally got to see it I had high expectations. I normally try and quell such things but in this case I couldn’t. I love both of these actors and was excited to see them together. Imagine my disappointment as I sat and watched 90 minutes of one of the most unoriginal stories I have ever seen. Even if you have not seen this film you already know the ending. It was more predictable than Titanic.

It stars as I mentioned Benecio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins as a father and son. Yeah. Let’s ignore that part. Del Toro’s character, Lawrence Talbot, comes home after receiving a letter from his brother’s lady that he is missing. He gets there to find out that his brother is no longer missing, but dead. Torn to shreds by either a madman or a beast.

The Review: Bad Lieutenant (old review)

Wow. I have seen some stinkers in my time. But Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans has to take the biggest slice of the cake. This film stars Nicholas Cage, Eva Mendes, Val Kilmer, Xzibit, Fairuza Balk and Jennifer Coolidge. Now, this is one of those deals where it’s a remake of an older film but not being called one since they veer so much off the mark of the original.

This story centers around Cage’s life as a cop with a back injury that leads to an addiction to pain killers. He sleeps with a hooker, Mendes, who rolls customers for their drugs. Apparently in New Orleans everyone you stick up has coke on them. Who knew?! Meanwhile there’s an investigation to a murdered family which brings us to Xzibit who is being represented by Colonel Sanders, I shit you not. Val Kilmer plays a dirty cop but he isn’t close to as dirty as Cage is. Fairuza plays a cop that used to work with Cage but is in the movie for perhaps two minutes. But, man. Those two minutes almost made up for how bad this movie is.

The Review: Brooklyn's Finest (old review)

I say damn! Finally got around to seeing Brooklyn's Finest and may I say this is one of the best movies I have ever seen? Yeah, I’m gonna get that out of the way right now. I marked hard for this movie. Let me tell you why.

It wasn’t the fact that it was not a CGI fest. It was not the fact that it was directed by Antoine Fuqua the same guy that directed one of my other favorite films Training Day. It was not the fact that Richard Gere, Ethan Hawke, Don Cheadle, Lili Tyler, Wesley Snipes, and Michael K. Williams are in it. It’s the fact that they took a lot of stars and gave them all great parts.

Now, I know that sounds rather goofy. But don’t forget we love in a world where films like Valentine’s Day has an assload of stars in it but manages to stink. This shit right here? This shit right here?! This was an amazing film. Now let me get off my knees, wipe my lips, and take my whores bath and explain what Brooklyn’s Finest is about.

The Review: Powers

Powers 1/10

I finally checked out the Playstation series Powers. I had written about it a couple of years ago (click here to read that) before I'd seen it. I said that I would give it a try and this morning I felt like punishing myself so I checked it out. It is far worse than I thought it was going to be. They couldn't get anything right except the fact that a camera was able to record people attempting to act. Three episodes in I had to tap out because I could not continue. There are some shows that have a slow start but get better. This one made me progressively annoyed.

"Set in a world where humans and superheroes (called "powers") co-exist, a former power now homicide detective, Christian Walker, had his own powers taken from him. Along with his partner Deena Pilgrim they work in a special homicide division called Powers, which investigates crimes involving superhumans."

The Review: Fortitude

Fortitude 9/10

Camille told me to watch this series on Amazon that came out last year called Fortitude. I asked what it is about. She refused to tell me. So yesterday I decided to check it out and ended up finishing it today. So yeah, it was a good series. The fact that it came out in January of last year is nuts! I don't even want to say too much about it because I don't want to ruin it for anyone that may check it out. I'll give a little bit of information though.

The Review: Tangerine

I finally got around to watching Tangerine a couple of days ago. Camille had mentioned this after seeing it in theaters and bought it on Blu-Ray and let me borrow it. My cousin Jasmine caught it on Netflix. This was a damned good crazy movie. Shot completely on iPhone it proves that you can do quite a bit with very little. I know in reviews it tends to focus more on how it was filmed and where but don't mention the story very much. It stars Kitana Kiki Rodriguez as Sin-Dee Rella and Mya Taylor as Alexandra. They are transgender prostitutes on Santa Monica and Highland and as a resident of WeHo for about 18 years I thought “Well, that sounds about right.”

The Review: Steve Jobs

I finally got a chance to check out the movie Steve Jobs. I have to say that I enjoyed it very much and if I'd watched it before writing my favorite movies of the year and recording the Chocket Awards (click here to check that out!) I would have added this to some of my categories. This stars Michael Fassbender as Jobs and Kate Winslet as Joanna Hoffman. This movie was so damned enjoyable and seemed to fly by as I watched it as his career through clever use of flashbacks show his career helping build the first Apple computer in a garage to being a multimillionaire.

It starts out in 1984 with Jobs harassing an employee over the computer not welcoming the audience with a hello and threatening to embarrass him in front of everyone. They end up finagling a way to make it work. Jobs is also upset about a Time article not being about him but a computer. Not his computer but a random one. His marketing executive Hoffman tries her best to deal with his tantrums, self destructive behavior. Also the fact that he has a young daughter named Lisa that he denies is even his and the mother that wants to be supported by him.

Theater Whore: The Big Short

The Big Short 3/10

I watched The Big Short. And...that's it. Has a great cast of people that tend to just shout at each other. Imagine Wolf Of Wallstreet but with more DiCaprio's. Its about the government and banks using people and collapsing back in 2008. I didn't really learn anything new from this and when they tried to have actors, actresses, or singers suddenly pop up and explain it that made things more confusing because they were speaking so fast and trying to seem cool. I did discover that Margot Robbie has an accent and that Selena Gomez looks even more like a child in a casino setting. Very confused as to why this was nominated for a best picture, best director, or any of its other nominations. This movie was like walking into a room full of cool people that didn't want to talk to you.

Click here for previous Theater Whore. 

Theater Whore: Bridge Of Spies

Bridge Of Spies 4/10

Um...that was definitely a film. I finally got around to watching Bridge Of Spies starring Tom Hanks. Its not a terrible movie but its just a series of things happening that could barely hold my attention. It looks nice. The direction was good. But it was rather dull. Its based off the true story of...whatever. I honestly don't care to recap what it was about. I'm shocked that this was nominated for best picture though when I can think of maybe five more that weren't that were far more entertaining. This is not the kind of film I would ever watch again unless I just wanted sound in my place. I felt every minute of the almost two and a half hours.

Click here for previous Theater Whore.

The Review: Roar

Pardon my French but les gens sont stupides et fous! I just finished watching the 1981 film Roar. I can't remember the last time a movie made me so damned nervous. Just lions, cheetahs, tigers, and a few elephants thrown in because people didn't seem terrified enough. My god. I mean...my god. This movie is about this guy named Hank that is taking care of a bunch of wild ass animals. One day while he is gone his family shows up and all hell breaks loose. He also has this poor Black guy that looks ready to shit himself in every scene. There is not a single scene where a giant cat is not biting or climbing on someone.

There are some scenes that try to be funny but you can only laugh so much when you see people actually bleeding on camera. The end credits are hilarious because the animals look all cute and peaceful while they hold them and feed the babies. No! This guys family almost got mauled to death and when he finally gets back home its all like “Oh, you guys can stay a while longer!” He's insane! Everyone is insane! That being said I'd recommend this movie to everyone because there is no way in hell a movie like this would ever be made again.

Theater Whore: Deadpool

Deadpool 10/10

There will be some spoilers. I went to see Deadpool this morning. Yes. This morning. I went to the 10am showing at The Arclight over on Sunset. Could I have waited until later in the day? Or the weekend? No! Sunday they are doing that damned marathon and since it is Valentine's Day I'll be here spending the day with the woman I am deeply in love with. Kidding! I'm barely loved by folks. This movies stars Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool/Wade Wilson, Morena Baccarin as Vanessa, Ed Skrein as Ajax, T. J. Miller as Weasel , Gina Carano as Angel Dust, Brianna Hildebrand as Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Stefan Kapičić as Colossus, and Leslie Uggams as Blind Al.

Theater Whore: Spotlight

Spotlight 7/10

I finally got a chance to watch Spotlight after hearing about how good it was for so long. It has a huge cast with Mark Ruffalo, Michael Keaton, Rachel McAdams, John Slattery, Stanley Tucci, Liev Schreiber, and Billy Crudup. This is based off of the news team that covered the true events that led to it being publicly known that a lot of Catholic priests were diddling children, not just boys, and covering it all up back in 2001. If shit got too hot they would just transfer them to another location or just pay the victims off. It sucked.