The Review: Renfield

Renfield 5/10

This movie had the potential to be really good but a shoehorned love story/cop tale turned this into something that felt more like the pilot of a series on NBC that would get canceled halfway through the first season. This is about Renfield. He is the familiar for Dracula. Like, the for real ass Dracula. He eats bugs and gets powerful and knows martial arts. He begins to feel like he is in a codependent relationship with Dracula and goes to a support group to learn how to deal with it. Meanwhile a cop whose father was murdered and no one was ever caught crosses paths with him because he has to slaughter people for Dracula to survive. This movie has a great cast (except for one person who I struggle to listen to when they talk) and some creatively crazy fight scenes. But this just felt flat and I wish I liked it more.

Nicholas Hoult as Robert Montague Renfield

Nicolas Cage as Dracula

Awkwafina as Officer Rebecca Quincy

Ben Schwartz as Tedward Lobo

Shohreh Aghdashloo as Bellafrancesca Lobo

Click here for previous The Review.

Curtain Call: Sweeney Todd

 

Sweeney Todd 9/10

Months ago Cam and I went to see this at A Noise Within. I really like this place after being here a couple times. I knew the basic story or at least I thought I did. I knew people being made into food was a part of the story. This is about a guy that returns to London and has revenge and murder on his mind. He is there with this young guy that is super excited about London. Todd is there to get back at some people for the murder of his wife and find his daughter. One day he meets this baker who makes gross sounding dishes and after he kills someone she realizes that dumping the body would be a waste of perfectly good meat and start a successful people pie business.

Documentality: Chimp Crazy

Chimp Crazy 4/10

We watched this crazy ass documentary a few weeks back and while it had the potential to be interesting they stretched out what could have easily been an hour and a half series into four hour long episodes where you get to watch this nutty ass woman Tonia Haddix lie through her teeth constantly. If they had focused on more people this could have been interesting but since they would show a tiny bit about others and then go back to this woman I lost interest. I can't just sit and watch someone lie that much and stay entertained especially when I know they not in prison for animal abuse. Tonia is a former nurse and has a husband and kids but they don't mean shit compared to her love for her chimp, Tonka. She collects primates and is in a lawsuit because of how she keeps her animals. I don't know about you but I doubt that McDonald's and Gatorade are okay for animals to be chomping down on daily.

The Review: My Adventures With Superman

 

My Adventures With Superman 7/10

This cartoon managed to do something that every Superman cartoon and film have failed at: make Clark Kent interesting. Hell, they made Lois and Jimmy interesting! I'm serious, that is something that every other version of this could not do. If that new movie manages this elusive task I will leave the theater happy. This is the beginning of Superman's career as a hero and at The Daily Planet. Lois is also new as well as Jimmy. Clark struggles with new powers that just keep on happening (electrical ones, freezing scream) and figuring out his past as a Kryptonian and believing he was sent to take over the planet for his alien race.

The Review: Civil War

Civil War 2/10

This movie was 95% ass. L and I decided to check this out and it caused so many headaches during and after trying to make sense of a story where the writer/director left things vague purposely. This is in the future but not sure how far into it. The US is in a civil war where the states are all picking sides. I refuse to get into that nonsense but Texas and California are warring against the president who is in his third term and refuses to step down. These two states have the help of the Western Forces. Spread out through the country are militias and weirdos with too many guns making up their own rules. We follow a war photographer named Lee and her colleague Joel. They head to a hotel for the press and see this old dude named Sammy. Sammy is Lee's mentor. They plan on heading to DC to interview the president before he is killed. Sounds like a stupid plan, but okay. This young woman named Jessie that hero worships Lee ends up tagging along and this is where the movie immediately goes downhill.

The Review: Don't Play Us Cheap/The River Niger

Don't Play Us Cheap DNF/10

This should say WTF/10 instead. L called it “Don't Watch Us Sleep” and “Don't Slap Us Away.” I laughed a lot at that, not this movie. I don't know how L and I got here but we were looking for stuff to watch and found this “movie” on Max. What is it about? Two demons that are a roach and a rat sing a long song and then later turn into two guys trying to ruin a party but Black people know how to deal with struggle so they just keep on having a good time. This looked like a play but it was a film that was then a play. I was 100% baffled watching this and even after reading how it ends I still can't make sense of it.

The Review: Uglies

Uglies 1/10

I have to point out that I'm not even close to the target audience for a movie like this. I still for some reason have managed to watch a lot of these damn thing (Hunger Games, Divergent, Maze Runner, Ready Player One, Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse). That is way too many for my old ass. L and I watched this on Netflix and I laughed inside knowing that this kinda shit is the reason she is getting rid of Netflix soon because of the higher prices and ads. They are trying to recoup years of bad movies and decision making at the expense of viewers. Good luck if this is the type of movies you're putting out. I should probably talk about this batch of nonsense.

The Review: The Killer (2024)

The Killer 2/10

This movie was ass. I gave it a 2/10 because the main characters outfits were cool and she looked super cute in one scene. Other than that there is no reason to watch this. I have seen plenty of this directors movies and this felt like a spoof of them. How you gonna remake your own movie and do it so badly? I watched this thinking it was another movie and going “Where is Bautista?” This movie tries to fill in some of the killers past with flashbacks but they don't change the way she looks all that much because she is hot and they don't wanna ugly her up so her hair looks like she just woke up at times in the past.

The Review: The Caped Crusader

 

Batman The Caped Crusader 9/10

I didn't even know this show existed because Amazon just doesn't care sometimes. This should have been on Max because at least they show you new animated shows. I found about this from listening to a podcast and they raved about it. I was hesitant to check it out because there have been so many versions of Batman since the one I loved in the 90s. I would race home from school to catch it and even talk to friends on the phone while it aired. I was shocked when within minutes of watching this I was into it. The animation style. The voice work. The change of characters was surprising and didn't feel forced. Like, Penguin is a mother with children. Gordon and his daughter Barbara are Black. Alfred is younger. Just a lot of changes that were cool.

The Review: Rear Window

Rear Window 8/10

I really liked this movie. L gave me a list of movies to choose from thinking I was gonna pick a musical. I choose this instead. I had heard of it and knew that it had Jimmy Stewart and he stared out a window. I thought it was because he was a weirdo or something. Turns out he (Jeff) got injured taking photos at a car race and his leg got jacked up so now he has to wear a cast for six weeks. This thing goes up his whole leg and up to his crotchal region! He sits in his window just looking at neighbors across the way and making up aspects of their lives. He got an unhappy married couple with a bedridden wife. Newlyweds. Another couple with a dog that sleeps on the balcony because the heat. A lady that dances 24/7.

The Review: The Deliverance

 

The Deliverance 3/10

There is a special spot in hell for movies like this. You may be wondering why I didn't give this a 0/10 based off of that statement. Well, there is a scene in this that made me laugh one of the top five laughs in my life. I lost my shit for minutes and could not stop laughing and now L will randomly think of the scene and cry tears laughing. At home and in the In & Out drive through she will start laughing. So two of the points go for that laugh and the other is because we finished it cause I for sure wanted to stop at a certain point because this movie feels way longer than it actually is.

The Review: The Watchers

 

The Watchers 7/10

L watched this movie a few days ago and saw how badly it was getting reviewed. I knew who it was directed by and felt no way about it and we watched it this weekend. Starts with this guy running through the woods and being chased by something you can't see but can hear. He passes a sign and somehow passes the same one again before climbing a tree to escape this growling. He ends up falling out of the tree and is yanked away by a creature of some kind. We meet a girl named Mina who is a miserable ass woman. She works in a pet shop in Ireland and is asked to drop a bird off which will take about a day to reach.

The Review: The Supremes at Earl's All-You-Can-Eat

 

The Supremes at Earl's All-You-Can-Eat 8/10

Spoilers!!! This was a really good movie. L brought this up after Hulu sent an email with their new and upcoming things. Now, I take a lot of titles literal so when I first even heard about this I thought it could have been based off of a true story of when the singing group The Supremes went to some random diner back in the day and performed for people that were there. This was not about that at all. This is about three women and their lives from teens to adults and all the drama and joy that they go through. And there is so much drama!

The Review: The Mummy (2017)

The Mummy 1/10

This movie deserved all the shit people said about it. L made me watch this after I left the channel on Pluto. What is it about? Team looking for buried treasures and find a huge tomb filled with mercury. Should have run out of the place at that point. Dude starts having visions of this hot woman who is in the tomb. They grab her sarcophagus and hop on a plane. Next thing you know his friend is possessed and he has to shoot him. Then the plane is attacked by crows which I didn't know was am Egyptian thing. Plane goes down and he survives after pushing the lady out with a parachute and he wakes up in a morgue unharmed. The rest of the movie is him taking too long to explain his visions, his now dead friend coming to him like a bootleg American Werewolf In London style, and getting captured by Dr Jekyll before racing desert storms after bringing his friend back to life because he is now a god of life and death. Yeah.

The Review: Imitation Of Life (1959)

Imitation of Life 8/10

I really enjoyed this movie and talked way too much during it. L gave me three choices of movies and I picked this one. It was in color which she had not seen before but it was done well. I had heard of this movie just on title but knew nothing else going in. This starts off in 1947 and this mother named Lora is screaming looking for her daughter, Susie at the beach. This is the most packed beach I have ever seen in my life and L said she would have turned right back around. This guy Steve helps tell her where a cop is and she finds her daughter sitting with this lady Annie and her daughter Sarah Jane. You will learn to hate Sarah Jane by the end of this movie. Maybe not as much as I did but still. Annie is a Black woman and her daughter is as well but don't look it. Lora mentions that she would like someone like Annie to help her out and Annie is like “Hire me!” Lora says she can't afford it but after seeing Sarah Jane cry about wanting a home she takes her in.