The Review: Imaginary (2024)

Imaginary 1/10

Me and my lady watched a lot of movies over the last few days and I am trying not to let them start piling up so I am gonna start with the first one we checked out called Imaginary. This movie was terrible ass. It is funny how the worst a movie is the longer I know I am gonna be ranting about it but I will try not to be too long with this one. This children's book author/artist named Jessica is having this crazy ass dream where a man-spider is chasing her all around a house. She wakes scared as shit and her husband, Max, kinda jokes with her about it. This was not a dream I could ever imagine joking about. They are waiting for home renovations to be done at her childhood home. She decides they should just move on in now which is a terrible ass idea. There is also Alice and Taylor, Max's children from his last marriage. Alice is little and precocious as fuck while Taylor is a teenager meaning she is annoying as all fuck. Source: I work in a high school. Everything she says to Jessica is a slapable offense.

The Review: 24k Christmas/The Christmas Campaign

24k Christmas DNF/10

This movie was ass and me and my lady stopped about halfway through and didn't even bother finishing it. This lady makes jewelry and gets set up on a blind date. She belittles the guy with her clumsy ass and leaves him. He comes to her jewelry shop to pick up the rings for his friends wedding but she lost them because clumsy. Who gets married on Christmas Eve anyway? That is so inconsiderate to guests! They go searching for the rings and can't find them. We gave up because the lady was horrible which is a thing that these Christmas movies do now. They make women pretty (questionable) but with a shitty attitude for whatever reason but the guy still chases them down and they end up together. The end.

The Review: The Substance

The Substance 2/10

I watched this movie this past weekend. Its not for me. The older I get I realize that there are certain things that are not for my weird ass demographic. I'm an old Black dude that likes random, nerdy, dark, funny, strange shit. This movie felt like it was made for women or those that identify as women or to make men that don't understand how women are viewed in the world as they get older. It hit me over the head with a hammer with this. I get it. I know it. I don't understand it in the way a woman would because I'm not one. This is about an actress that just turned 50 named Elisabeth Sparkle. She gets into a car accident and is given information about this new drug that has a lot of rules. She takes it and a younger girl climbs out of her body, becomes a star, and breaks the rules because they each get a week in society and a week out. By the end of the movie she becomes a fucking monster that gets blown up. I was so glad when this movie ended. I liked the way it looked. Each scene went on minutes longer than it needed to. I couldn't believe how long they dragged on and was pissed when I saw how long this was. No need for me to watch this again or read more about it.

Demi Moore as Elisabeth Sparkle

Margaret Qualley as Sue

Dennis Quaid as Harvey

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The Review: Elevation

Elevation 3/10

This movie was butt. I randomly watched this with L. and I knew it would be bad just by the poster. That and the fact that the star of it did absolutely no interviews or anything about it. Just dropped that Captain America stinker and this movie was never brought up. This movie starts off three years after something called The Event. 95% of the human population was killed and people have to live above 8000 feet to be safe from these things called Reapers. Why don't the Reapers go above 8000 feet? I'm still not quite sure and neither is the movie. So this starts off with this kid named Hunter goofing around outside when he starts getting chased by something that sounds like dubstep. He makes it across this line and is out of danger. His father Will tells him that he needs to not do that and it is important for him to live. Meanwhile this seemingly crazy woman named Nina is firing shots with bullets fresh out the microwave at something repeatedly.

The Review: Night Swim

Night Swim 5/10

Last weekend we started watching this movie cause there are too many streaming options and sometimes we watch something random as hell. This starts off in 1992 with this little girl sleeping in bed when the sound of a toy boat in the pool wakes her up. Her name is Rebecca. She goes to her brother's room who is on oxygen and says she is gonna go grab it for him since he had lost it. She tries fishing it out and it keeps scooting away. Eventually her ass is yanked in and still trying to get the boat. Undeterred she keeps trying until some mass pulls her under and she vanishes. 

The Review: Presence

 

Presence 8/10

Full of spoilers. L called and said she saw the first ten minutes of this on Hulu and thought I'd be interested. I was. This movie starts off with just a camera walking all around this house. Turns out that it is a ghost. The family arrives, Chris, Rebekah, and their teen children Tyler and Chloe. Whoever wrote this definitely hangs around or knows teens because they had their dialogue down. When they arrive Chloe seems to look right at the ghost who retreats to a closet. Chloe just walks around looking at the place and unknowingly being watched. They end up getting the house and while the workers are there one of them refuses to enter one of the rooms.

The Review: Wicked

Wicked 5/10

A few weeks ago my lady and I watched this movie. We watched the first hour and a half and then finished the last hour a week later. I have read the book for this story (as well as the terrible sequel) and the play years ago at The Pantages. I enjoyed the book so much and the live show. This? Not so much. Know why? There is so much singing! I know its a musical. I'm not stupid. The problem is that I didn't like any of the songs or the way the ones I did know were performed. With that being said and now known it explains why I gave this such a low score. Wasn't a huge fan of the acting either. The was a story where I was being distracted by singing. Let me talk about the actual movie.

The Review: Y2K

Y2K 1/10

Last weekend I was just scrolling through Max and say this movie and decided to check it out. Its one of those movies with random people I knew from other movies and shows and one of the actresses is in that Snow White movie everyone is shitting on. I can't tell if this movie wanted to be scary, funny, heartfelt, or action packed. It failed at every one of those aspects. This movie was not funny at all, never scary, the gore was cheap looking, and the story was weak.

The Review: Blink Twice

Blink Twice 6/10

Full of spoilers. Last night L. suggested we watch this movie called Blink Twice. All I knew about it was who was the star of it and the director. Nothing else. This movie was odd and I had some issues with it. Its one of those movies where watching it twice will make you feel like “Oh, right!” seeing the way certain things played out. This is about this lady named Frida. She does nail art and works as a cocktail waitress. She is in the mirror at home with her friend/roommate Jess. At work she is warned by her manager about being too chatty like the previous year and showing up late. Frida asks Jess why she keeps going back to this terrible guy she is dating and thinks she should value herself more.

The Review: Creature Commandos

Creature Commandos 5/10

I really wanted to enjoy this series but kept being snatched out of it by the music. It felt like every time I started getting interested in what was happening this strange ass music would start playing and I would have to turn the volume down. The story also felt like it would have been done in three episodes and not over the entire seven that this season was. The team is put together to protect a princess and all is not what it seems. I liked the characters of Doctor Phosphorus and G.I. Robot but we got their stories too early and too late. The other character stories weren't that interesting to me. I'm not gonna even get that into this. By the third episode I felt like I was just watching it because all the other shows I wanna watch don't start till next month.

Indira Varma as the Bride

Sean Gunn as G.I. Robot/Weasel

Alan Tudyk as Alex Sartorius/Doctor Phosphorus

Zoë Chao as Nina Mazursky

David Harbour as Eric Frankenstein

Frank Grillo as Rick Flag Sr

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Frivolous Flicks 3

Speak No Evil DNF/10

For those that do not know, this is where I do reviews for movies or TV shows where I watched some, most, or just pieces of things and write about them. L and I were flicking through Peacock and they started playing one of those trailers for this movie Speak No Evil. I was like “They show the whole movie. Bet we could just watch the last half hour.” So we did. Skipped to where all hell is breaking loose because I didn't need to see everything else they showed in the trailer. God, I am so glad I didn't force her or myself to sit through this trash. From the trailer we figured that this nice American family meets up with these weird ass foreign people who have a kid that gurgles and they get progressively creepier until there is a fight to escape. We began at the escape part.

The Review: Transformers One

Transformers One 10/10

I fucking loved this movie. You know how pissed off I am that after seeing and loving this and finding out that no more are being made?! Advertising can be blamed for sure. I saw the trailer for this and thought it was interesting looking but didn't feel a need to see this in theaters. They fucked up. You know what they could've shown me and got me into the theaters twice?

The Review: Bebe Winans We Three Kings

Bebe Winans We Three Kings 8/10

Yay a good holiday movie! Last night L and I watched this movie We Three Kings. Its the story of three sisters fighting for unclear reasons. This father named Lincoln King hides some clues for his young daughters Lydia, Grace, and Abigail, to find and solve on Christmas. He leaves a north star necklace for his wife. Next thing you know all the girls are adults and the mother is dead and the sisters have been avoiding each other. Gracie is a doctor and unlikable. Abigail plays piano in another state. Lydia has a candle shop and is annoying.

The Review: Make Or Bake Christmas

Make Or Bake Christmas 2/10

What a strange ass movie this was. L picked a movie for us to watch and it was this nonsense. I ain't taking the blame for this one. This woman named Emma works for this fake Martha Stewart ass lady named Leslie. Leslie wants to own this bakery called Sugar Bakers and threatens to fire Emma if she doesn't secretly get a floater job there and steal some recipes and stuff. This is illegal. So walks in with no baking experience and they immediately trust her which is why their business is slowly failing. Emma can't bake or lie. Seriously, her lying abilities are so bad I'm surprised they didn't show her crossing her fingers every time she talked.

The Review: Special The Piano Lesson

The Piano Lesson

I have never done a review this way. In a short amount of time I have watched three versions of The Piano Lesson. I saw the live show first. Then I attempted to watch the 2024 film. Then I watched the 1995 film before trying once again to watch the new one. Full disclosure: I am missing half an hour of it and will likely never watch it. I am going to take each character and actor/actress from these different versions and talk about how I received them and what I liked or didn't.

“Set in 1936 Pittsburgh during the aftermath of the Great Depression, The Piano Lesson follows the lives of the Charles family in the Doaker Charles household and an heirloom, the family piano, which is decorated with designs carved by an enslaved ancestor. The play focuses on the arguments between a brother and a sister who have different ideas on what to do with the piano. The brother, Boy Willie, is a sharecropper who wants to sell the piano to buy the land (Sutter's land) where his ancestors toiled as slaves. The sister, Berniece, remains emphatic about keeping the piano, which shows the carved faces of their great-grandfather's wife and son during the days of their enslavement.”

The Review: A Wesley South African Christmas

A Wesley South African Christmas -1/10

I am gonna shit all over this movie. I'm also gonna keep asking “What happened to the African baby?” So this is the movie we started watching on accident before going back and watching the second Wesley movie. Bootleg Chris Brown is in South Africa to close a deal with a family. The sister of the family don't trust him and doesn't want to make the deal. The brother of the African family wants to stall and make the deal and says that CB should invite his entire fucking family to Africa for the holidays all expenses paid. The fuck? Absent are the singing sister (simply said she cant come) and older brother (who its said he would come but never shows up), the horny uncle, as well as the twin daughters (guess they couldn't find another guy to cheat on one of them). They are not missed. They add a young woman to replace the singing sister.

The Review: Inside Out 2

Inside Out 2 (8/10)

A few weeks ago L and I watched this. She had already seen it before me though. This takes place two years after the first movie with Riley heading into high school. Her same emotions are there along with a new element called Sense of Self. Joy of course is just putting good memories in there and puts the bad memories in the trash. Riley and two of her friends get invited to a well known hockey camp. Suddenly a damn puberty alarm goes off and some workers start installing new gear. New emotions Anxiety, Embarrassment, Ennui, and Envy show up. Anxiety quickly takes over and they get rid of the old team. The team have to fight back to get to the control room and stop Anxiety from ruining Riley's life.

Documentality: Yacht Rock A Dockumentary

Yacht Rock A Dockumentary 10/10

Last weekend L and I decided to check out this documentary on Max. We were like “Let's just check it out” and ended up sitting through the whole thing without pausing. This is unheard of. This had some really great music and I learned so much. I really didn't know that the term yacht rock didn't exist until a sketch group made a series online and used that name. I didn't know certain artists and bands were so blended together. I learned what counted as yacht rock and what didn't. I learned one dude from Steely Dan would likely stab you if you used that term in front of him. I found out that even Toto doesn't know what the fuck that song Africa is about. I also found out just when the genre started dying off. I swear, MTV was a curse disguised as a blessing. This is one of those things you could watch a few times and still enjoy it. I added a whole playlist to my Spotify Just a really feel good ass thing to watch.

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The Review: Nutcrackers

Nutcrackers DNF/10

This movie was wack. This dudes sister and her husband die and he has to try and get her four raggedy ass kids adopted. These kids are home-schooled and rabid as hell. Home school kids not even like that anymore. So he wants to keep the kids together but then doesn't care because he just wants to get back to the city. Halfway through L. and I realized we were not gonna finish this and I predicted how it would end and it did. So glad we tapped out on this one. It wasn't cute, funny, or touching. It was just annoying to me.

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The Review: The Penguin

The Penguin 10/10

This series was fucking great. This is gonna be full of spoilers. When I first heard that this was going to be a thing I rolled my ass, scoffed, knocked papers off my desk Malcolm X meme style. Why was this happening? Did it need to happen? Why does DC have so much money to throw away? Seriously, they have far too many series and most seem like ass and the one I did like got canceled (Swamp Thing) and is available only on Tubi of all places. I had no need to watch this. But I did and after the first episode realized that I needed to shut my whore mouth and continue watching this because it was nothing like what I expected.