Theater Whore: The Revenant

The Revenant 9/10

There will be some spoilers. Cam and I went to the Sundance theater and checked out The Revenant starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy. Holy shit. This movie should have been called This Is What Real Cold Looks Like, Fuck Bears, Nature Is An Evil Hooker, or Always Bring Chapstick. I mean...damn! This movie was rough! Poor Leo got his ass kicked the entire damned time. If it wasn't Native Americans it was bears. If it wasn't bears it was the weather. If it wasn't the weather it was sickness. If it wasn't...you get the picture. Shit was way rough.

It takes place in the early 1800's where a team of hunters and trappers are gathering pelts. Native Americans show up and start wrecking their shit. Leo as Hugh Glass and his half-Native American son are there and he is leading them. They get attacked, grab what they can, and out of 45 guys about nine of them survive and make it to a boat. When they reach land Glass is attacked by an angry ass mama bear. Its one of the most brutal attacks ever filmed and awesome. It made me sweat, my asshole pucker, and my face melt off.

Another guy is John Fitzgerald played by Hardy. This guy is a son of a bitch! I didn't think I would be able to hate Hardy in a movie because he's fucking Bane and Mad Max, but my lord. I wanted this guy to get attacked by a bear! Fitzgerald, Glass' son, and another kid stay behind to wait for Glass to die and give him a proper burial but Fitzgerald is all like “Fuck that. I wanna get paid and go home!” Its super fucked and I won't say what he does but when he does it and a few other things you will want him eaten by a bear as well.

This movie was incredible! If I had seen this before I made my Best Movies Of 2015 this definitely would have made it. Everyone keeps on saying this is Leo trying to get an Oscar like its a bad thing. I guess folks want him to be one of those lying liars that lie and say something stupid like “I do it for the art.” Fuck that. He looked like he went through hell this entire movie. Everyone did! It was awesome and I'd see it again and again.

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