Saturday, January 7, 2017

The Review: Emerald City Pilot Episode

Emerald City (Pilot) ?!/10

I have to start this by saying that commercials are the devil. I am use to watching things online or being able to skip right through commercials that it made it so hard to even begin to really get into this new series Emerald City. Its an odd feeling watching a hot chick get water-boarded and then have Jimmy Fallon dancing on the screen with a Golden Globe or someone having their brains blown out and then being shown fat pills that have the side effect of suicide along with twins at Burger King talking great deals. I am half-assed making excuses for this show because I want it to be good and there are a lot of very attractive women on here and I want to look at their faces more because I am a sad man.

"In the blink of a tornado's eye, 20-year-old Dorothy Gale and her K9 police dog are transported to another world, one far removed from our own—a mystical land of competing kingdoms, lethal warriors, dark magic, and a bloody battle for supremacy. This is the fabled Land of Oz in a way you've never seen before, where wicked witches don't stay dead for long and a young girl becomes a headstrong warrior who holds the fate of kingdoms in her hands."

This show starts off with Dorothy played by Adria Arjona as a nurse stealing medication to bring home for her family. One crazy ass storm filled night she heads to this dudes house and he is dead. She finds someone else alive but dying telling her to run and not call the cops. She gets outside and a cop is there and ready to shoot her before a tornado snatches him up. She hops in his car with his dog, the storm yanks her into another world, and the car hits the shit out of The Wicked Witch of the West played by the way too damned hot for me Florence Kasumba. She is the lady I wrote about from Captain America: Civil War that worked with Black Panther that as soon as I saw her I thought "I need to know who the fuck this woman is!"

So yeah. She dead. I think. Dorothy ends up heading to a camp with some barbarian folks who torture her to find out who she works for and are upset she killed the witch for some reason. They end up telling her she can go and I thought "If I was Dorothy my second task would be getting back home and the first would be killing every one of these hairy assholes." She leaves and is shown some muddy ass tree where cursed people are and this guy is pissed that Dorothy killed the witch because he says she is the only one that could have maybe possibly but not likely freed them. He shows her a road she must follow to get to Emerald City and back home. Along the way she meets who is supposed to be the Scarecrow played by Olivier Jackson-Cohen. She calls him Lucas after her hometown. He has no memory of anything.

Meanwhile in Emerald City we have The Wizard played by Vincent D'Onofrio. He has a terrible wig on and is trying his damnedest to string together the nonsense this show is being so far. His claim to fame is saving the city years ago and holds it over everyone's heads. Between his wig and the commercials I was losing my patience. Then I realized that this was a two hour premiere and said “This counts as me watching two episodes!” So Wizard is a dick.

The witches are Joely Richardson as Glinda. So far she doesn't seem as important as you'd imagine which sucks because I doubt I'll be sticking around long enough to see if she does. Ana Ularu is the Wicked Witch of the West and she is my kind of hot. She looks like a cross between Claire Danes and Fairuza Balk. I hope this was on purpose since Balk was in Return To Oz back in the day. God, I have had a crush on that woman for decades.

Anyway, the East witch shows up again and starts torturing Dorothy and Lucas. I thought she was dead. Guess she wasn't. Unless it was a twin. Either way she gets killed which sucks because I really like looking at Kasumba. She gets tricked into blowing her damned brains out and Dorothy, Lucas, and Toto the police dog continue down the yellow dusted road that leads to certain death. Then she gets ruby red gloves. Shits confusing.

I will check out the next episode but I seriously doubt I will keep on after that. Besides the fact that commercials every few minutes, the chyrons popping up during the show, the confusing as fuck story, and far too many questions being made there are too many other good shows for me to watch. I do like the way the show looks. It looks awesome. Oh, there is also this chick Jordan Loughran that plays a character named Tip. When I saw "him" I was confused. Every Spider-sense heterosexual bone in my body was saying that this boy was a girl and thank god I was right.

I had a Tangerine moment. In that movie there is a scene where this cab driver picks up a chick and gets mad when it turns out to be a for reals chick. I am rambling and the more I write about this show the less I really do want to watch the next one especially if they are killing off hot women I wanna see in the very first one.

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