Theater Whore: American Ultra

American Ultra 10/10

Slight spoilers. When I give a movie a rating that high it means that I got so into the movie I never checked the time, I didn't care who else was in the theater, and I wanted to see it again right after I was done. American Ultra met all of these so I had to give it a 10. The only reason I was willing to give this movie a try was because I'm a huge fan of Max Landis. 

Everything I have seen him write or talk about has thoroughly entertained me (hell, I got the Wrestling Isn't Wrestling shirt) so even though I'm not into Kristen Stewart or Jesse Eisenberg I sweated my ass to The Grove (probably my last time going there thank you very much usher playing his iPhone music during the movies credits I'll continue going to The Arclight on Sunset) and checked out the second showing of this.

Theater Whore: Fantastic Four

Fantastic Four 7/10

There will be some spoilers. I managed to dodge all the spoilers about this new Fantastic Four movie but managed to hear about all of the terrible reviews that it was receiving. When I wrote about this movie before it came out I said they already had a leg up on the other films because I was interested in it because I am not a fan of the FF whatsoever. This film managed to actually get me interested in the characters by going in a very different direction than the comics or previous films did.

It starts with a young Reed Richards in his science class being told by his teacher that what he wants to be can not be done. Just like real teachers do! He ends up befriending Ben Grimm while stealing junk from the junk yard that Grimm's family owns. They blow out all the power in the neighborhood. Fast forward years later and they have made another version of the device and are discovered by Professor Franklin Storm played by Reg E. Cathey. He invites Reed to help him create this machine on a larger scale since they have been working on something like it.

Stop It Kelly Osbourne

We live in a world where in one moment something you say can spread to thousands or millions of people and once you say it it can not be taken back. Back during the Oscars Giuliana Rancic made a comment about this young actress/singer named Zendaya in regards to a style of dreads she had. By the way, they were the cleanest looking dreads I've ever seen. She said “I feel like she smells like pachouli oil” and someone else chimed in “or weed.” Yeah. I know. I bring this story up because immediately Kelly Osbourne jumped down the throat of Rancic on Twitter. I will not change any of the spelling. Wallow in the ignorance and lack of spell check.

“Im giving everyone involved 24 hours to make it right or the world will hear how I really feel. contactually Im not allowed to speak! I DID NOT MAKE THE WEED COMENT. I DO NOT CONDONE RACISM SO AS A RSULT OF THIS IM SEREIOULSY QUESTIONONIG STAYING ON THE SHOW!” She was ready to quit this fashion commentary show because of what Rancic said about someone she knew. 

The Review: Hercules

There were two Hercules movies that came out in 2014. One was The Legend Of Hercules which was laughably bad and this one starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson. I had no strong desire to see either but managed to for some reason. This one lied a ton in the trailer and poster because its about a bunch of his tales but they aren't true. He runs with a crew and they are mercenaries and he ends up fighting for the wrong side. This movie is pretty lame but there is a 20 minute period where the movie is awesome which makes the other 70 minutes that weren't wasteful seem even worse. This could have been cool but it ended up being dull. Hell, I'll even accept cheesy.

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Theater Whore: Mission Impossible Rogue Nation

Mission Impossible Rogue Nation 8/10

Its hard to believe it but that last Mission Impossible movie was four years ago. This new one Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation was a pretty damned fun action movie that had me wrong many times. This will have some spoilers by the way. You know that scene with the plane in the trailer? That is the very damned beginning of the movie so you know its gonna be crazy from the start. In this Ethan Hunt played by Tom Cruise is on the run from everyone trying to prove that this group called the Syndicate has been causing all of these assassinations and attacks.

While getting information about a new mission Ethan is captured and about to have his shit wrecked by this guy named Bone Doctor which is never a good thing especially when he shows up with a case full of sharp and poundy objects. He ends up being saved by this fucking cool ass woman named Ilsa Faust played by Rebecca Ferguson. Whenever someone complains about movies not having enough bad ass women I think they are watching the wrong films. I see plenty of them. She helps him get away by pretending he escaped.

Theater Whore: Ant-Man

Ant-Man 6/10

I finally got around to seeing Ant-Man starring Paul Rudd. This is the last of the Phase Two Marvel films and that means something that I am vaguely aware of. There will be some spoilers. This movie has a pretty basic premise of a systems engineer with a criminal named Scott Lang that is trying to get his life back together after doing three years in prison for playing Robin Hood. He goes to visit his daughter after getting out and is reminded by his wife and her new boyfriend that he is a failure at being a father and provider. By the way, his daughter is one of the best parts of the movie.

The Review: The Day The Earth Stood Still

For a movie made when my father was 1 years old The Day The Earth Stood Still looked pretty damned good. I decided to check this out on Amazon. I've heard of this movie for years and even knew what the robot, Gort, looked like from posters, pictures, and random things. But this movie was not about what I thought it was. It was actually far more thought provoking and insightful than the “robot comes to Earth and humanity fights back” tale I expected.

The world gets information that something is moving fast around Earth but nobody is seriously worried about it until a spaceship lands in the middle of a baseball field in Washington D.C. The military shows up and this alien named Klaatu gets out. He removes a small device from his jacket and it springs open with spikes and a soldier pops his ass in the shoulder with a bullet. This big ass robot named Gort starts disintegrating guns until Klaatu calms his shit. Klaatu is like “That was a gift for your president that would've let him study life on other planets but fuck it now. I'm hurt!”

The Review: True Detective Season 2 (Ep. 1-3)

I finally got around to catching up on the second season of True Detective from HBO. This has nothing to do with the first season which was one of the best pure seasons of a series I've ever watched. With an eight episode format you do not have the luxury of dicking around. Sadly that is exactly what this current season is doing. I have watched three of the four episodes aired and do not plan on continuing any further.

This and the previous season have no connection other than name which I am happy about since so far I have had to force myself to watch these three. This one takes place in California and follows four different people. There is Taylor Kitsch aka The Box Office Bomb Magnet as a war veteran/super closeted homosexual named Paul Woodrugh. His character is boring as all hell and I don't care what he does or what happens to him. Whenever he was on screen I was just waiting for it to end. 

Theater Whore: Terminator Genisys

Terminator Genisys 1/10

Normally when I wrote a review I will say spoilers ahead but if you've seen the poster or trailer for this movie then its already had a major part of the story spoiled. I actually wonder what this would've been like if it hadn't. When that particular scene happened it would have been far more surprising and I would have given this a 2 instead of a 1. And that 1 is because I smiled whenever Pops aka T-800 aka Arnold Schwarzenegger smiled. I will try to explain what the hell this garbage ass movie was about even though Terminator Genisys couldn't. 

Won't Be Fooled Again: Wayward Pines

Ha! Nice try, Wayward Pines! I'm not even going to begin to fall for this shit. As soon as I saw the trailer for this I knew that it was bullshit and yet another one of those shows that you know has no clear ending in sight (even though its based off of a series of books) and that there was no point to getting invested because you know it will get canceled because Fox.

"The series stars Matt Dillon as Ethan Burke, a U.S. Secret Service agent investigating the disappearance of two fellow agents in the mysterious small town of Wayward Pines, Idaho. Ethan awakens from a car accident unable to contact the outside world, and unable to leave. He finds one of the agents dead and the other, his former mistress Kate Hewson (Carla Gugino), settled down in the seemingly idyllic town. But the inhabitants of Wayward Pines are trapped there by a set of rules enforced by the sinister Sheriff Arnold Pope (Terrence Howard), and any attempt to escape is punished by a public execution known as a 'reckoning.'"

People Like Teens Dying In Film

Not sure if you've noticed bit the latest trend in teen movies aren't vampires like they want you to believe or even tough girl films like you've been tricked into thinking. Its dying ass kids. The ones that people talk about the most are Twilight (which aren't as terrible as you think) where a girl hangs with vampires and wants to die and be just like them and The Hunger Games which is about kids being used to kill each other for the entertainment of rich people.

In 2013 there was Warm Bodies which I enjoyed. Its about a zombie that ends up falling in love with a girl that is a slightly cuter looking version of Kristen Stewart. He eats her dead boyfriends brains to learn what she likes.

Theater Whore: Mad Max Fury Road

Mad Max Fury Road 9/10

Damn, this was an awesome ass movie! There will be some spoilers while I talk about this. Funny though, even if I explained the entire movie I doubt it would take away any joy you'd have in watching a movie that keeps you on the edge of your seat the entire time. Well, there are some small breaks but its just for the characters in it to catch their breath. And then more explosions!

After the world has fucked itself up because in movies the future is either perfect with evil underneath or just wrecked Max played by Tom Hardy is just minding his own crazy business in the desert when these guys called War Boys show up and snatch him up. He is a universal blood donor which is good for everyone but him and has his information tattooed onto his back. With some inspiration from his hallucinations he manages to get away for a minute until being caught again. He is used as a “blood bag” for this guy Nux played by Nicholas Hoult. He is crazy as all hell.

Theater Whore: Jurassic World

Jurassic World 3/10

Spoilers! “These people. They never learn.” I feel the same way Black guy in the movie! Jurassic World is just like the previous Jurassic Park movies in that there is one person you should be listening to and no one does so people have to die. This is the story of cell phones never working when you need them to the most. And stupid humans. And annoying kids. Oh, and a dinosaur that is all about killing other things that breathe. 

I wanted the evil super dinosaur to win the entire film. I shouldn't have felt that way. I shouldn't have had to stifle so many yawns either. There should have been people I wanted to survive and win but the only one that I felt this way for was Star Lord aka Chris Pratt as Owen Grady because he's the best thing about this movie, the dreamy bastard.

Bryce Dallas Howard plays Claire Dearing. She is the park manager and is in charge, needs no man telling her what to do, kids, or anything. She's also dumb as hell and willing to put everyone in danger to keep the park open. She's also a huge fan of using her cell when doing 100 through the jungle. Vincent D'Onofrio is in this playing a guy dying to kill some shit in a role that could've been played by a dozen other actors who are known for playing this role. It was a waste of his talent.

The Review: Despicable Me

I finally got around to watching the movie Despicable Me which came out almost five years ago. It stars Steve Carell as Gru who is a super villain that is being out-shined by a villain that has been taking monuments from around the world. He ends up adopting these three girls to get them into the home of a villain to steal his shrink ray and head to the moon. I didn't like this movie. I get why some people would because crazy things happen and the voices are strange but it wasn't enough to keep me interested. An animated film shouldn't feel long.

All I knew about it was that there were little yellow creatures that sound like Shakira and Carell did the voice of the bad guy. The voice was immediately distracting to me. If there was no strange accent it would've helped me like this a tiny bit more. 

It felt like that movie Megamind where it was as if I jumped into some story that was past halfway done and I was playing catch up. There are some animated movies that make me laugh my ass off like Penguins of Madagascar or are all around good like How To Train Your Dragon 2. I didn't laugh a single time while watching this. I don't get why people love this so much.

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The Review: Bronson

I finally got around to watching the movie Bronson starring Tom Hardy. I was hoping for a really cool film because all I knew about it was that it was based off the true story of a guy named Michael Peterson that changed his name to Charles Bronson after the actor. 

This is about Peterson who lives a life of violent crime and spends most of his life in solitary confinement. When he is not there he is causing havoc. When he is on the outside he wants to make a name for himself and fights underground and eventually dogs. This is from the same director that did Drive which I enjoyed quite a bit which means out of the three films he's directed I liked one. 

I wouldn't recommend this to anyone. Not because of the violence which there is plenty of or for the ladies that wanna see his wang flopping around. The pacing of this stinks and there is just too many ideas thrown in the air and instead of being left on the cutting room floor were put in. Some things just sound cooler on paper. I didn't laugh, cringe, or feel any kind of hope while watching this. It was like reading the autobiography for someone I don't care for which I've done before. It feels like it thinks its being clever when its mostly just psychotic. One thing that was done well was the soundtrack.

Click here for previous The Review.