If
you are reading this chances are you have already seen X-Men
Apocalypse and I feel your pain. Or you plan on seeing it and don't
mind things being spoiled. If you have seen the trailer you pretty
much know the entire movie. You know Magneto is gonna destroy some
stuff. Professor X loses his hair. Wolverine comes back. Oscar Isaac
is unrecognizable as Apocalypse. The X-Men let a lot of the planet
get destroyed.
If
anything this movie proved that mutants are terrible and should be
wiped out. I sided so much with the military in this movie. According
to this universe if you take any two mutants, any of them, chances
are they can take over the world or at the very least destroy most of
it. In this post I am gonna talk about all of the characters in the
movie using a short synopsis of each of them from the internet. If
you keep reading beyond this point you can't be a little bitch and
complain about anything being ruined. I mean, you can if being a
little bitch is your thing. I also won't make any comparisons between
this movie and Batman V. Superman or Captain America: Civil War. This
garbage is its own garbage. Yeah, there is destruction in all of
these but the amount in this is unheard of.
The
basic plot is that Apocalypse wakes up, watches TV, decides to bring
mankind down with the help of some random ass mutants, and is stopped
by a team of people that don't know how to use their powers. Not even
the whole team helps. Just three physically and two mentally. Then we
get an ending where everything seems good now. The governments of the
world should be descending on this school with every weapon they have
to kill these horribly creatures.
James
McAvoy as Professor Charles Xavier
“A
mutant pacifist and the world's most powerful telepath. He is the
founder of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters and the X-Men.”
This guy should be charged by CPS. His school is a magnet for
danger. If you let your kid go here, god forbid a kid with no powers,
chances are they will be attacked by another mutant that wants to use
kids as weapons or shot at by the military. At no point has Charles
made a team that works as an actual team until the end where they
manage to control their power for the first time. Charles tries to
get tough at the end saying he feels bad for anyone that attacks his
school. Why?! Because they will succeed? Your students get kidnapped,
tortured, transformed into weapons, or die.
Michael
Fassbender as Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto
“A
mutant with the ability to control magnetic fields and manipulate
metal who becomes the last of Apocalypse's horsemen, known as War.”
I don't think he is ever called War. He is called Erik by everyone
except a soldier that calls him Magneto. All of what made him cool in
Origins is gone in this movie. He is a super powered thug for
Apocalypse just like everyone else. He is in another country with a
new life but looks exactly the same. Magneto attacked the White
House. Everyone knows his face yet these people don't? No “Gee, you
look familiar.” Oh, and good job using your power to save some nerd
at work but letting your wife and daughter get killed. Father of the
year over here! And even though he helped wreck the planet he gets to
literally walk away.
Jennifer
Lawrence as Raven Darkhölme/Mystique
“Raven
is on her own, helping rescue mutants who are oppressed or enslaved.”
Katniss Everdeen has returned! Lawrence looks bored as shit in every
scene. When she tries to sound tough it comes across as tired. I am
not sure why they took this Mystique as a hero thing and ran with it
but they have. She is a villain. Make her one. And why does
Mystique's makeup look worse now than it did sixteen years ago? She
is seen as a liberator for mutants and hunted which makes me wonder
why when she turns human she chooses the same face each time. Last
time I checked Mystique could look like anyone she wanted. In this
she looks like blue version, Lawrence version, and one more at the
end in case you forgot that this was her power.
Oscar
Isaac as En Sabah Nur/Apocalypse
“The
world's first and most powerful mutant, born in ancient times with a
variety of superhuman abilities such as telekinesis and telepathy as
well as technopathy, super-strength, size-control each power
augmented after merging with Celestial technology and a special
cyber-suit.” Tell the truth. You didn't know that I used an image
of Ivan Ooze from The Power Rangers, did you? For someone that is the
most powerful mutant he is defeated in the same way cartoon bad guys
were in the 80's. “Hey everyone! Just shoot your power at him! Its
morphin' time!” If he was serious he would have grabbed Jean Grey,
Professor X, Magneto, and Wolverine. Nah. He grabs a homeless African
girl, an enforcer, some sad metal mover, and a drunk dude with wings.
He is not effective as a villain unless you are some normal dude who
is trying to attack someone in an alley. He will put you in sand or a
wall. The first mutant ever slept for thousands of years just to be
killed about three days later.
Nicholas
Hoult as Hank McCoy/Beast
“A
mutant with blue fur, prehensile feet and superhuman physical
abilities. Hank acts as a teacher in Xavier's school and he builds
inventions for troubled students.” He builds things and has a thing
for Mystique still. I totally forgot that they had a thing! Between
all the time jumps and restarts this series of movies have had I
forgot until he acted all butt hurt that she wanted to save Magneto.
Sometimes he is blue, sometimes he is not. I think he is using that
drug that makes him look human but he can still turn into Beast when
he wants.
Tye
Sheridan as Scott Summers/Cyclops
“A
mutant that fires uncontrollable, destructive optic beams and wears a
visor or sunglasses to stabilize and contain them, and the younger
brother of Havok.” His face bugs me. And why is he younger than
Havok? Probably because Havok is gonna die! He helps defeat
Apocalypse at the end because Apocalypse wasn't smart enough to cover
his body with whatever material bathroom stalls are made of. I wanna
know if he got in trouble for blowing that bathroom up. Did he tell
his parents he was leaving? Either way, he is a dick. He acts like
Wolverine from the very first X-Men movie.
Sophie
Turner as Jean Grey/Phoenix
“A
mutant who is scared of her telepathic and telekinetic power and one
of Charles Xavier's most prized students.” Boring! They have her in
this just because they need a reason to introduce the Dark Phoenix
and space shit even though they haven't mastered regular ass Earth
stuff. Every time I saw her in her costume, not outfit because these
look like costumes, she seemed uncomfortable. She helps defeat
Apocalypse during a good ol' fashioned mind fight.
Olivia
Munn as Elizabeth Braddock/Psylocke
“A
mutant with telepathic and telekinetic abilities. Her abilities also
include projecting purple psychic energy, usually into the form of an
energy blade that can burn through metal.” Munn said in an
interview “I thought Psylocke was always one of the most lethal
characters, and I said, 'Yes, as long as you're not using her to be
the eye candy.' She has really powerful abilities. And they said,
'Yes, that's an important part.'” This is why she turned down being
in Deadpool. She is just eye candy. She can't even beat Beast in a
fight and all he does is jump. She ends up running away at the end of
the movie and these fuckers let her!
Lucas
Till as Alex Summers/Havok
“A
mutant who has the ability to absorb energy and release it with
destructive force from his body.” He brings Cyclops to the school and
dies because he can't follow directions. He is not important really
or interesting. Nothing more to say.
Evan
Peters as Peter Maximoff/Quicksilver
“A
mutant who can move, think, and perceive at supersonic speeds, and
the son of Magneto.” The only interesting part of the movie. He now
knows that Magneto is his father but doesn't say anything even when
he has about ten minutes to do so. Yeah, it may be tough to do, kid,
but its been ten years making you close to 30 years old and your
father is ripping the planet apart! Once Apocalypse breaks his leg
there is no more fun in the movie. Strange enough, his leg seems fine
really fast when they are about to use the Danger Room. Don't get me
started on the Danger Room dick tease that has been going on for
almost two decades in these movies. Here's a hint: it doesn't happen.
Or Sentinels. Looks like it will but it doesn't.
Kodi
Smit-McPhee as Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler
“A
German teleporting mutant and one of Charles Xavier's new students.”
He does what Nightcrawler does which is teleport himself and people
places. Sometimes he can't but when you really need him to, like
getting an entire team out of a falling airplane which he has never
done before he can. They should have had it at least leave someone
behind. Fucking Psylocke just jumped from the plane and survived. The
guy that could fly somehow did not.
Alexandra
Shipp as Ororo Munroe/Storm
“An
Egyptian mutant orphan who can control weather who finds a father
figure in Apocalypse and becomes the first of his horsemen, known as
Famine.” Storm continues to be one of the least interesting
characters in comic book films. You'd think someone that could
control weather would do more than throw lightning bolts at people
but that is what she does here. She is saved by Apocalypse, lets him
watch TV, he dyes her hair, gives her a new costume, and she joins
him. By the way, no one that joins him should want to. None of them
have expressed a desire to kill mankind except Magneto and that is
just when his man-period strikes. And will she ever be worshiped like she was in comics?
Ben
Hardy as Warren Worthington III/Angel/Archangel
“A
mutant with bird like feathered wings who becomes the third horseman
known as Death, gaining metallic wings as a result.” This guy is
useless garbage. He gets defeated by Nightcrawler, can't fly anymore,
then Apocalypse finds him drunk and gives him new metal wings. After
that his form of fighting is flying around waiting to get hit by
things before being killed in a plane crash. I can not even tell you
two words he said. Yeah. Make the guy that can't beat a vanisher Death.
Lana
Condor as Jubilation Lee/Jubilee
"A
Chinese-American mutant student at Charles' school who has the
ability to create psionic energy plasmoids." Why even bother
describing the powers of a character that doesn't get to use them and
could have been left out of this movie with no consequence? If she
didn't have that yellow jacket on in this you would think “Maybe
that's Jubilee...because she is Asian.” Jubilee has appeared in a
few of the films now and still has not been used. Not even used
properly. Just used period. The image above is each time she has been
portrayed including that terrible Gen-X made for TV movie. Just leave
her out of this.
No comments:
Post a Comment