The Review: Bird Box

Bird Box 1/10

This will be full of all the spoilers. What happens when you get John Malkovich, Machine Gun Kelly, and Lil Rel Howery in one room? Madcap adventures! I just finished watching Bird Box on Netflix starring Sandra Bullock and wow. This was pretty damned wack. I was intrigued by the posters for it I had seen and did not know what it was about or who all was in it until watching. At first I didn't even know Bullock was in it and got hesitant to give it a go which Cam made fun of me for. Other cast members include Trevante Rhodes, Jacki Weaver, Rosa Salazar, Danielle Macdonald, Tom Hollander, BD Wong, and Sarah Paulson. I also would not have watched this if I had known Susanne Bier directed it. I've seen Serena. Don't talk to me. I may make this sound more interesting than it is with my description. Like sex. That thing where you put the pee pee into the smoosh smoosh until bammy happens.

This is one of those movies that jump back and forth through time so that was fun to deal with. Bullock as Malorie is telling this little boy and girl to do everything she says or they will die. They can not take their blindfolds off, talk, or make any noise. As soon as I heard this I was like “No fucking way these kids make it to the end of the movie.” In any kind of movie where there is something mysterious or deadly and it requires a quiet kid I just wonder which could be used as bait. Then we flashback!

Malorie is pregnant and not happy about it. Her sister wants her to cheer up and go outside and experience life. When I saw how happy she was I knew she was gonna die. She asks Malorie if she has seen the news showing people all up in Russia and overseas just killing themselves. Whatevs. Time to head to the doctor to check this baby shit out. She doesn't wanna know the gender and seems to not even care. The doctor is like “Here is a pamphlet, you shitty future mother. Adoption is an option.” Malorie's sister leaves to get the car ready and this one woman that camera lingered on too long earlier as if you wouldn't notice her loud ass outfit is smashing her head against a window. Malorie scrambles to get out.

She hops in the car with her sister like “Shit is going down!” and her sister is all “What do you mean?” and Malorie is like “Just drive the fuck outta here!” People are crashing into each other. No one knows what is happening. Is it a virus? Terrorism? Fortnite? Ze Germans?! Malorie has to answer her phone and her sister asks if she sees that thing. Malorie does not because she was looking for her phone and next thing you know her sister starts driving like she lives in Studio City and flips the car. She then climbs out and walks right into a trash truck. 

This lady at a house wants to save Malorie but her husband played by Malkovich is full on “Fuck er'body!” The lady starts talking to her mother (that we find out died ten years ago), climbs into a burning car, and explodes. Malkovich blames Malorie for this. Malorie stumbles around and gets knocked over a few times like she is in the middle of a Black Friday sale at KMart until a dude named Tom takes her into a house owned by BD Wong.

More people begin to get into the house. There is an old lady. Machine Gun Kelly curses a lot and wants to bone down with this young lady who is a cop in training. Lil Rel works at a supermarket and knows all kinda religious shit because Black. Who else is there? Doesn't matter. They start to piece together that you can't look outside or else you will go crazy and kill yourself. They end up letting a pregnant woman into the house and everything about her screams victim. Like...everything! Oh, you're probably wondering how a group of people can get into a vehicle and drive to a supermarket when you can not use your vision. You paint the windows black and use GPS of course! Idiot. They find more supplies but lose market boy.

More people start leaving the group and that pregnant woman lets a guy inside who Malkovich wants to kill. So they knock out Malkovich and the guy does turn out to be crazy as fuck. He tosses these birds into the freezer because birds go nuts when these possessed people are around. This is happening while birth is being given. So the pregnant girl dives out a window, the old lady stabs herself with scissors, and Malkovich is killed. Tom takes the crazy dude out saving Malorie and now two babies. Fast forward and Tom lives with Malorie and the kids. They get a message that there are other people around and Tom wants to go there but Malorie thinks it is a damned trap. Hmm. At this point I knew Tom was gonna die. Not because Black but because there has to be some way to get these kids alone in the boat with Malorie. This is a thing that is happening throughout the movie. They are rowing and at one point get attacked by a guy who wants to remove their blindfolds and when the boy falls out the boat. So they go to find this community of people.

While heading there whatever the shit that makes people go crazy is chasing them. What is it? No one fucking knows! I am fine in most cases not having answers but this is bullshit lazy writing. These voices tell them to remove their blindfolds and join them. They use voices of loved ones and all kinda trickery. The little girl hears birds and they end up finding this place for blind people. Yeah. That's right. Guess these things can not affect blind people because, well, they can't see them and then go crazy. Malorie finally names the kids. I forgot to mention that. She just calls them Boy and Girl because fuck names. Life's rough! And you know who happens to be at this place? The doctor Malorie met at the start. Fuck me.

This movie reminded me of nothing but bad films. That Nic Cage Rapture movie Left Behind. The Happening. Some people have mentioned The Road which is an insult since that bleak ass movie was good. I read someone mention A Quiet Place which I have not seen but know all about. I even heard one review explain that the attack is supposed to be depression. I don't care. This was bad. The way it looked was shoddy. It looked like a TV movie. The effects were not done well. The acting was not good considering the great cast. This is a big problem with these Netflix movies. These big stars are jumping on board to do these terribly written movies and also being in so many of them. It is strange when you see the same people cranking out four movies in one year on one channel. I guess they couldn't get Willem Dafoe for this one. The strange thing about this movie is that it could have either been half as long or a mini series explaining shit better. I still doubt that would have helped. This was just weak.

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