Dead
Body 4/10
Full
of spoilers. The other day I watched this movie on Shudder called
Dead Body with B&H and Beastman. This movie...it is hard to call
it bad because the ending works so well. Not the actual ending but a
part near the end. This movie is about a group of people meeting up
in a cabin in the middle of nowhere to celebrate before heading off
to college. Never mind the fact that almost everyone looks like they
are in their 30's. I can't remember the names so I will call people
what they were. Stuffy Guy invited two Japanese students over and
Stupid Girl. Japanese Boy and Japanese Girl are there for jokes so
don't mind them too much. Stupid Girl invites Thug Man, Emo Girl,
Crush Boy, Small Dude, and Stoner Dude. Already that is five
people who should not have been here invited by Stupid Girl. Crush
Boy likes Stupid Girl but she is into Thug Man so that kills his
romance and chance to bone down for the weekend.
I will
not call these people friends of one another because everyone seems
like they are just meeting for the first time but allegedly have some
sort of history. Small Dude decides to play a game called dead
body where they have to investigate a fake murderer. Emo Girl bounces
out early. She does not like this shit. Japanese Girl gets for real
murdered. Later Japanese Boy gets murdered and Stuffy Guy's body is
found with them in the bedroom. Everyone suspects everyone so they
all arm themselves but leave the fucking hammer. I would take the
hammer over the nail gun but maybe that's just me. They continue to
split up like idiots. Emo Girl runs out of the house but returns but
no one wants to hear shit she has to say and locks her in the dead
body filled room which is super shitty.
Stoner
Dude ends up getting his head sawed off outside. The entire time we
are speculating who the killer is. I think it is Crush Boy because he
is skeevy as shit. Next Small Dude gets all manners of fucked up.
He gets hammer to face, hook through face, and then pinned to a tree.
Thug Man, Stupid Girl, and Crush Boy run through the woods like
idiots until they stumble upon Emo Girl. Nail gun to the face! Yeah.
Thug Dude lights her ass up. I don't think you can die that way but
whatever. Next Crush Boy and Stupid Girl decide that Thug Man is the
killer and straight up strangle him to death. Crush Boy is excited
and kisses Stupid Girl and now I am like “Oh, you are so the
killer!” Plot twist! He is not. Now, I am someone that has crushes regularly and the way this guy reacted to all this screamed guilty. She should have killed him immediately based on his behavior. So yeah. The killer kills him and chases
Stupid Girl through the woods.
Quickly,
I should point out that a man tied up was found in the woods earlier.
I'll get back to him at the end just like this movie did.
So
Stupid Girl is running around and she ends up being caught by the
killer. Turns out it is Stuffy Guy! Stuffy Guy wants to go to Harvard
and is on a waiting list so he invited the Japanese kids and Stupid
Girl over so he could kill them and pin it on a felon (the guy tied
up in the woods) and then he could go to college and not be on a
waiting list. Stupid Girl ruined his plans by inviting a goddamn
gaggle of people over which is both rude and stupid. Seriously. Who
does that?! What kind of friend would do some shit like that? So all
those people are dead because of her. Plot twist! Emo Girl is not
dead! Stupid Girl yanks nails from her face and uses them to shoot at
Stuffy Guy. Another plot twist! Crush Boy is not dead either! They
kill Stuffy Guy and ride away in the van all happily ever after and
shit.
This
movie was terrible but watchable. I would say check it out just to
see what not to do in terms of making a horror/slasher film. I talked
to Beastman about it and said that this movie was made like a lot of
those shows that were coming out a few years ago with a great premise
but you knew that did not know how to get to the good part. This
movie was probably written like “Hey, this kid is killing his
friends in the woods so he can go to college!” and they had to work
backwards from there. They just did not do a good job of it. I also
noticed that the actual movie looked different at one point. Like it
suddenly became HD. The only person I thought should have lived was
the Emo Girl because she didn't want to play their stupid game, got
locked up with dead folks, escaped, found the guy in the woods,
survived long enough to find the van a mile away, took five nails to
the dome, had her dome nails used as weapons to defeat the killer,
and still lived. She is the hero our city deserves.
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