The Review: The Marvels

The Marvel 0/10

This movie was ass. That's all you need to read because I am gonna ramble about how much I disliked this nonsense that had no need to be made. “Does anything really need to be made?” Shut up. No one likes you. So I watched Captain Marvel years ago and it was ass. I couldn't force myself to finish the Ms Marvel series. I really enjoyed Monica in WandaVision even though she was kneecapped from the start. I wrote a blog about how she was actually the first Captain Marvel (click here to read that). So this movie starts with Captain Marvel destroying a planets sun and bouncing. The villain of this who I won't bother mentioning by name because she was so terrible is looking for some bracelets that will give her the power to replenish her planet and be powerful. Its 2010 level Marvel villain shit and I hoped we were past that. When she uses the bracelet it starts messing with the different Marvel powers and each time they use them they switch places. Sometimes. Not all the time. This movie is inconsistent with this and the fighting skills of all three ladies.

They have Monica acting like an angry 13 year old that Carol never came to visit her in these 30 years or so. I was like “This is all you giving her?' Yeah. Turns out this is the crux of her story in this. Acting dumb. Whatever I liked about her in WandaVision has been stripped away and replaced with a character I no longer want to see in these films. Kamala is just as annoying as she was on the show so I don't wanna talk about her too much. I am just not a fan of her acting and the effects used to show her abilities. Stretch, damn it! And Captain Marvel is Captain Marvel. No personality. Powers that fluctuate between being able to stand toe to toe with Thanos and ramming through ships and traveling light years in moments to having her ass kicked by soldiers from space and being too slow to save Monica in the end. Yeah. Monica is dead as far as they know.

I couldn't take this movie seriously because it seemed like no one involved was. Once Nick Fury said “Black girl magic!” I knew I was stuck in the shits. Also when they are playing jump rope on the way to saving the universe. Like, what the fuck were they thinking when they wrote this? The thing is I know that people liked this movie and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Oh, I almost forgot. Monica gets sent to another dimension where her mother is alive and Beast from X-Men is there. So the MCU refuses to fucking let go on those wack ass older movies and move on. Got it. If a single person from those movies show up in future films it just means I won't be watching. And another thing! Kamala goes and finds the girl from Hawkeye and threatens me with another movie! No! And Captain Marvel ends up just going to the planet and booting their sun back up. She just never tried. For 3o years she late hate against her fester and never thought “I should try and do something. Whatever. I'm gonna marry a prince on a singing planet!” I'm not making that up. It happens.

This isn't a case of me aging out of things like I think sometimes. I aged out of watching video game on Youtube. That I know. But I have not aged out of watching something entertaining and this movie was definitely not that. I imagine a world where Monica was Captain Marvel from the start and how cool that would have been. A series where Kamala stretched out and it was fun instead of this annoying character she portrays. One where Carol Danvers never got a movie because (gasp!) Captain Marvel as she is is not an interesting enough character to have her own movie. It is true that many of the MCU heroes were not the shit before a good writer and director got a hold of them and made me damn near cry because a talking tree died. These movies didn't get that because they were in such a rush to virtue signal that they forgot that a good story and acting was also needed.

Brie Larson as Carol Danvers/Captain Marvel

Teyonah Parris as Monica Rambeau

Iman Vellani as Kamala Khan/Ms. Marvel

Zawe Ashton as Dar-Benn

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