The Review: Five On The Black Hand Side

Five On The Black Hand Side 6/10

Last week L and I watched this movie randomly. I had vaguely heard of it but knew the phrase the title is based off of. Knew nothing about the story or anything but since it was made in 1973 I assumed I would see some titties. I was super wrong. This is the most anti-titty movie which is sad cause Miss Dubois is in this. So it starts off with this asshole husband bossing this lady around. I thought she was a maid but she had on sleepwear which I thought was odd. Turns out it is his wife who he never refers to by her name. This man has her entire day planned out for her before he heads to work. She just spends the first ten minutes of the movie looking like this.

Dante Watches 3 Dev Adam

3 Dev Adam 2/10

This movie was stupid. 3 Giant Men aka Captain America and Santo vs. Spider-Man. It had weird ass edits. A strange story. Heroes that do nothing but punch people a lot and swing on things for no reason. Don't watch this movie. I did. I'm dumb. Don't be like me.

Yavuz Selekman as Santo

Aytekin Akkaya as Captain America

Tevfik Şen as Spider-Man

Deniz Erkanat as Julia

Mine Sun as Nadya

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The Review: Blackenstein

Blackenstein BWAHAHAHA/10

I think I may have watched the best worst movie ever! Blackenstein was so much more than I wanted it to be. It is so insane that even the end credits scroll the wrong way. I thought this was about a scientist that created a Frankenstein monster that happened to be Black and he went insane or whatever. Wrong! This soldier named Eddie got his arms and legs blown off during Vietnam and his fiancee Winifred asks for one of her former professors to help him. His name is Doctor Stein and he got a Nobel Prize for solving the DNA genetic code. Hey. Quiet. Of course it makes no sense. She tours his new place and gets a job immediately and meets his assistant Malcomb. What an odd name. Malcomb can not even begin to pretend he doesn't want her draws. I'm surprised there wasn't a slide whistle sound effect every time he looked at her. Stein shows Winifred some other patients he is treating like this 90 year old that he has helped to look 80 (as far as I'm concerned) and some dude with a leg transplant that has one tiger leg.

The Review: Coffy

Coffy 8/10

That movie Coffy was fucking wild! I had heard of it, seen images from it, and never watched it until just now. This is about a nurse known as Coffy. Her actual last name is Coffin which if I were a patient would make eleven kinds of nervous. Her little sister is addicted to drugs and she doesn't plan to sit back and let the law handle it. She pretends to be a prostitute and gets this drug dealer and boss to take her back to his place. She blows the boss' head off with a shotgun and jams some drugs into the dealer. Then she heads to work but is too torn up to do her job well. Yeah. I heard killing folks has that effect. She bumps into a cop named Carter she knows that obviously wants to bone down. By the way, every single guy she meets wants to have the sex with her.