Bad
Boys For Life 3/10
Spoilers.
I have questions. Lots of questions. I watched Bad Boys For Life last
night after remembering that a lot of people said that this movie was
good and funny. I laughed three times during this two hour movie. And
they weren't long laughs. Just “Ha!” and then sat in confusion. I
can not write this like a regular review because it would just be “He
gets shot at, then they get shot at then they shoot back, then
someone dies on accident.” In case anyone is wondering yes I have
seen the previous movies and am fans of both the main actors. I just
wish this had been made maybe ten years ago. Or not at all.
So a
riot breaks out at a lady prison and Isabel Aretas disguises herself
as a guard and on the way is taken to the hospital. She stabs some of
them in the ambulance and then her son shows up and shoots the rest.
How come no police escort?
Isabel
wants people to die so she sends her son, Armando, to kill various
people. Like, very specific people. It takes over an hour for folks
to piece this together. She wants Mike Lowrey killed last. Why play
games?
Marcus
wants to retire but gets bullied into staying constantly by Mike. Are
they really good friends? I know it is implied a lot but Mike seems
like he wants the both of them to die together.
While
out celebrating the birth of Marcus' (Lawrence) grandson Mike (Smith)
challenges him to a race outside. Mike gets shot by Armando. How did
Armando know he would be outside at that perfect moment?
Marcus
makes a deal with god that he will no longer hurt anyone if Mike
survives the shooting. This does not last.
Now
that Mike is alive he immediately wants to get revenge even though
his ass is still hurt. Right now. His injuries get miraculously
better very fast. He gets with a team called AMMO. If you watched TV
from the 70's to late 90's there were episodes that felt out of
place meant to be a spin-off for a new show. Like Three's Company led
to Three's a Crowd. Married With Children tried Top Of The Heap and
Radio Free Trumaine. 21 Jumpstreet tried Booker. Alice tried Flo. You
get it. This team is an obvious spin-off that would be terrible. But
hot. The whole team is cute.
AMMO
is run by Mike's ex Rita. There is an asshole guy who knows tech, a
girl that...girls, and a big dude that is really nice and knows tech.
He was the most interesting one. This team goes to watch the bad guys
and bring Mike who immediately goes off script and a bunch of people
die.
I had
to double check if Rita was in the previous films because I didn't
remember anything about her from the other films. She wasn't in them.
An old
informant calls Marcus for help because he knows he is next to die by
this assassin. He brings Mike. The guy gets killed. Mike gets his ass
whipped. What mental issues does Mike have?
Captain
Howard explains to Mike that he needs to figure out where he is going
as he watches his daughters basketball game. He is shot and killed in
the parking lot. Why in the fuck would the Captain bring someone who
is actively being hunted and shot at to his daughter's game? Why
would he himself even be near Mike?!
The
team get into a birthday party for a guy that runs with Armando. Mike
does not wear a disguise of any sort. This leads to a car chase that
becomes a motorcycle chase that becomes a helicopter chase. Armando
says “Hasta el fuego” to Mike who falls from the helicopter
ladder to the water.
Mike
realizes that Armando is his son. Isabel was pregnant when she went
to prison by Mike who was her bodyguard as she was married to a
cartel kingpin. He didn't know and she hasn't told her son. This may
explain how the both of them can survive so many gunshots.
How
Mike have this whole other secret life? Marcus and Mike have known
each other since at least high school and never been apart. Suddenly
Mike was so deep undercover that no one knew of this time period?
The
movie ends with Isabel dead and burnt. A helicopter lands two feet from everyone and blows up and everyone limps out the inferno fine. Armando is arrested but feels
bad I guess. They then threaten us with a sequel of some kind. For
who?!
I will
not be watching this again or suggesting it to anyone. The movie
looks cool and everything but after I was done watching I just
thought “How do I explain this movie?” The parts with Marcus and
Mike that were supposed to be touching felt super corny and not as
touching as they were supposed to. They also couldn't let certain
things breathe long enough to have an emotional impact. While Mike is
trying to survive in his coma and this killer is being the best
killer ever Marcus is dyeing his beard since it turned gray. This
movie didn't have enough humor to be funny to me and not enough story
to be interesting. It was just loud and bright.
Will
Smith as Detective Lieutenant Michael Eugene “Mike” Lowrey
Martin
Lawrence as Detective Lieutenant Marcus Miles Burnett
Paola
Núñez as Lieutenant Rita Secada
Vanessa
Hudgens as Kelly
Alexander
Ludwig as Dorn
Charles
Melton as Rafe
Jacob
Scipio as Armando Aretas
Kate
del Castillo as Isabel “La Bruja” Aretas
Joe
Pantoliano as Captain Conrad Howard
Theresa
Randle as Theresa Burnett
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