Thursday, September 29, 2016

Theater Whore: When The Bough Breaks


When The Bough Breaks 2/10

If this was a comedy I would have rated this a 10/10 because I laughed my ass off so many times while watching this. When The Bough Breaks is like those 80's and early 90's films tat stopped being made because there was nothing left to say. Basic story of a crazy ass woman attacking a couple because she wants in. When I say this movie hit every note in a cheesy ass supposedly thriller I mean that hit every note and even the ones you didn't know were there. This will have spoilers and if that upsets you chances are you planned on seeing this shit show and you should be happy I'm saving you money.


Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall are a married couple named John and Laura. They can't have kids so they decide to use a surrogate. They end up finding this girl named Anna played by Jaz Sinclair. I shit you not I thought she had mental issues when she first showed up. Automatically they should have been like “Uh...no. Thank you for your time.” But no! Laura is all about it so she goes ahead and starts planning this shit without her husband and he is along for the ride. They have dinner with Anna and her asshole boyfriend who is in the military and he is throwing off all kind of bad vibes. Still...they continue with the plan.


The next night or so boyfriend kicks Anna's ass and she is invited to love with John and Laura. They tell her to stop working, here's a place to stay with us, and a car because fuck it we rich. Everything seems as normal as one would expect from this desperate ass couple and this weird ass chick until she starts making moves on the husband. Of course he says nothing to his wife. Even when Anna starts dressing all sexy and sending videos to him at work stripping with baby written on her stomach. That shit ain't sexy! Still he says nothing to his wife. Eventually he gets tired of Anna's shit and she flips the script and causes a scene saying that John don't like Laura and he is in love with Anna. Laura believes it immediately! I was like “These girls ain't loyal, man.” John's job finds the videos of Anna stripping and it costs him an account. So good times for everyone.


Anna is still with her boyfriend and he is trying to get her to get more money from the couple. She ends up flipping on his ass and stabbing the shit out of him and shoving him down some stairs Itchy & Scratchy style so he dead. John has someone do some research and finds out that Anna's name ain't Anna. He finds out she killed her adoptive parents. She has a criminal history. And still...nothing to his wife. At this point I don't think he is responsible enough to have a kid. Anna is holding the pregnancy hostage and wife is afraid she may kill the baby so she tells John to pretend he is leaving her and to be with Anna. Da fug?! And he does it! Anna is all happy until she finds out its a trick to get her to have the baby. By the way, no police are involved in this nonsense fest.


Anna ends up attacking Laura and in the middle of it her water breaks. This is where the movie should have ended. With her giving birth to the baby, being handcuffed immediately, and everyone lives well and never speaks of this ever again. But no. She has the baby and bolts out the hospital. For anyone that thinks this sounds impossible you don't know about how I was born. They track her down and she ends up kicking John's ass until he fights back and escapes with the baby. They load it in the car and when they turn on the headlights there is Batman! I mean Anna. She has a goddamn shotgun too! She fires and no one is hit. Laura then runs her over, killing her crazy ass, so...yay?

This movie was fucking ridiculous. Its something I would watch again with someone just to crack up laughing. I gave it a 2 because I laughed so much when I shouldn't have. The husband led this dumb ass girl on at times and couldn't just say “Bitch, my wife is in the next room!” The crazy girl was just crazy. The wife was oblivious to everything and ended up being a murderer in the end. This movie was a waste of time for everyone involved. And I will watch it again.

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