Valerian
And The City Of A Thousand Planets 2/10
I just
finished watching Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets on
Amazon. This movie should have been called And Then Something
Happened because I'm not even sure how to describe this messy ass
film. Things happen, people run, and then something happens and they
have to explain stuff, then something happens, and they run and shoot
at other things. It stars Dane DeHaan as Major Valerian and his
partner Sergeant Laureline played by Cara Delevingne. He wants to
marry her even though she has a record of all the women he has banged
and there is some aggressive flirting on his part but it seems super
forced. Meanwhile in space space space...
Some
aliens that are so peaceful they are boring are enjoying life until
they get blown up. You find out why later but by that point I was
just watering my plants and waiting for this to end. I wish that were
a metaphor for something else but I was literally watering my plants.
There is more shooting and running and weird aliens explaining shit
that I didn't care about followed by more revelations and Rihanna
shows up as a shape shifting alien that dies minutes later after also
making the shape of my pants change.
This
movie was stupid. I didn't even hate it. I just felt kinda bad for
everyone in it because with the cast (minus Delevingne) they had it
and the director who has lost his touch this should have been
incredible. Instead it felt empty as shit and like I was watching a
two hour cut scene from a video game. All the CGI characters felt
weightless and I could feel the actors acting against nothing but
space and a tennis ball. Don't bother watching this. You'll get
nothing out of it.
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