The Review: No Holds Barred

 

No Holds Barred RIP 'EM/10

Good lord. I have not seen this movie since it first came out. This was I believe the third movie I ever saw in a theater when I was 10 years old. After watching this again I can not believe how cool I thought this was or why I thought that Zeus was someone I should model my behavior afterward by wrapping foil around my wrists and clanging people on their shoulders. Can that even kill or cripple someone? I think it would hurt quite a bit. Anyhoot, our hero/psychopath is Rip Thomas. He rips 'em! He wrestles and this evil dude named Brell wants to buy him and have him fight for his...company? I'm not sure exactly. But he wants Rip badly.

Brell sets up a meeting with Rip and calls him a “jockass.” I think this movie is the only time I have ever heard that word used and shall now use it any chance that I get. Rip shoves his check down his throat and leaves. He gets into a limo and the driver traps his ass inside. Like, he presses a button and steel doors seal the windows and sunroof. Rip kicks so hard the car swerves all over the road causing all manner of damage to the city. Somehow he still makes it to this warehouse trap. I guess Brell knew Rip wouldn't take this money or he just had this insane backup plan. Either way Rip explodes out the roof of the car and mangles about eight dudes before making the driver literally shit himself with fear.

Brell goes to this bar with his two stooges to check out some fighters. The waitress says that if they aren't cops they must be gay. That is close to the same logic I use when I see people in the parking lot in my neighborhood. He watches a bunch of booze hounds fighting until suddenly my childhood hero arrives: Zeus! This big sumbitch shows up and starts destroying everyone! It's not even a competition. This man can not be hurt. Brell starts a tournament to give someone $100,000 who wins this thing and of course wins because Zeus. But Zeus don't care about money. He want Rip.

This lady named Samantha Moore shows up as a fake PR agent for Rip. They go on a date. Its weird. After seeing how nice he is she feels bad and reveals that she is a phony. Brell finds out and sends a dude to touch her bikini zone. Rip shows up on his motorcycle and laughs like a lunatic while the guy screams for his life on his handle bars. He launches the guy into a tree, laughs, then checks on Samantha. Later on Rip is at a charity event because he is nice as fuck and Zeus and Brell show up. Zeus wants that Rip meat! The challenge is accepted via growls. By the way, Rip's trainer mentions he used to train Zeus years ago but stopped after he killed a dude. Why the fuck was this guy let free?! He just growls and beats people? No way he got out on good behavior.

One day Rip's brother Randy decides its a good idea to go see Zeus commit crimes. I mean wrestle. After the “fight” Randy and his friend are leaving and his fucking friends says that Randy is Rip's brother! This would have made sense if it was a set up but it wasn't. Zeus puts Randy in a wheelchair. Literally. He beats him damn near to death and he is now in a wheelchair. Rip gets mad and beats up a gym and accepts the fight with Zeus. I thought he already had with the growls but I guess I was wrong. Before the match Samantha gets kidnapped again because...because.

So the match happens and Rip has to make it look good for ten minutes and then lose. Rip is getting his ass beat until Samantha escapes and Rip sees his brother wiggle his finger. The fuck? He was rehabbing and using his whole damn body but was just weak. Now his finger wiggle is supposed to mean something? So Zeus tries to impale Rip with a ring post. He beats up people in the crowd. Rip is beating Zeus' ass while Brell is losing his mind in the control room ripping chords out of the walls. Rip hits Zeus so hard he lands in the ring collapsing it. I think he dead. Brell ends up electrocuting himself on all the chords as the crowd cheers. The crowd is all dressed like they are going to an old people prom. Rip celebrates with the crowd and his not dead brother and Samantha.

This movie was fucking crazy. I remember seeing this and leaving the theater being hype as fuck afterward. Something must have been wrong with me. At that point in my life I was a huge wrestling fan and even till this day this barely wrestling having movie is still the best wrestling movie. I watched this on Hulu and I shit you not a few days ago ordered a Rip 'Em shirt. I still like this movie. I'm not even sure why. This movie is about a crazy man that fights a slightly crazier man. The wrestling is treated like MMA. There is even a multi cornered ring. Not a octagon but a hexagon. Its weird. Go watch it.

Hulk Hogan as Rip Thomas

Joan Severance as Samantha Moore

Kurt Fuller as Brell

Tiny Lister as Zeus

Mark Pellegrino as Randy Thomas

Bill Henderson as Charlie

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