Theater Whore: Les Miserables

I have officially watched every single movie that was nominated for best picture at the 2013 Academy Awards! If you wanna hear me and Cam talk about the awards before they started click here for our Rockets & Chicken blog. You didn’t know we had another blog? Well, we do, Mary. So check it out. I saw Les Miserables and my god does this movie live up to the title! It should’ve been called We All Die To Music.

This movie is sadness o’plenty! It starts off with Wolverine being held prisoner with hundreds of other guys pulling boat parts ashore while Gladiator berates him. Wolverine thinks he is free until he is informed that he must stay longer and he’s  like “Fuck that noise!” and escapes. He lives on the streets and gets his ass beat by life until after stealing from a church he is forgiven and starts a new life eventually becoming a mayor.

Theater Whore: The Man With The Iron Fists

The entry for the premise of The Man With The Iron Fists says “On the hunt for a fabled treasure of gold, a band of warriors, assassins, and a rogue British soldier descend upon a village in feudal China, where a humble blacksmith looks to defend himself and his fellow villagers.” This is a super lie. This is the tale of a man that wanted to see a movie about a man with iron fists and ended up watching a jumbled batch of nonsense about a guy that not only watches but helps a lot of terrible shit happen.

RZA wrote, directed, and starred in this movie. He shouldn’t have done any of these things. He’s a blacksmith in a small Chinese village where these multiple clans are fighting for gold and control. He makes weapons for both sides meanwhile he just wants to save enough money so he and his hooker girlfriend can move away and fuck in the forest in peace. It made me wonder “Is there such a place where you can be left alone?” I don’t think so. Just when you think you’re safe some asshole will jump out of a tree wearing wolf claws that were probably made by you.