Theater Whore: Wreck It Ralph

It takes something special for me to watch a CGI film. I love hand drawn cartoons and miss them like crazy and semi rage against these new films that take three years or something to make because the hair has to look real, damn it! The last computerized films I liked a lot were The Incredibles and How To Train Your Dragon. So when I saw the trailer for Wreck-It Ralph what got me interested was the fact that it was filled with old school game characters that I knew.

This movie is about a character named Ralph that wrecks things in a game called Fix-It Felix Jr. Ralph breaks things, Felix fixes them, Ralph gets tossed off the building, repeat. Ralph wants to be friends with the neighbors but since he’s the bad guy they don’t want any part of him. At his bad guy support group they worry that Ralph may be going “Turbo” which is a term I will using in my vocabulary from now on. We find out what it means later.

Ralph tries to go to a party thrown by the neighbors and Felix when they tell him that he’s a bad guy and will always be one. The only way for him to become a good guy is to win a medal which he cant do in his own game so he abandons it. All of the video games are in an arcade and when kids aren’t playing them at night they cross to each others games. Ralph finds out about a game called Hero’s Duty where you climb a building and get a medal and jumps into that game.

Hero’s Duty is a Call Of Duty/Halo type of game. As soon as the game starts he starts freaking out. The soldiers are led by Sergeant Calhoun who is hot. I thought I was too old for this shit. You know, thinking that fake characters cant be attractive. I was wrong. Real wrong. Which makes no sense seeing as how an older lesbian voices this character. Anyway, Ralph freaks the hell out and screams at the player playing the game “When did video games become so scary and violent?!” They lose but he still climbs the tower and gets a medal.

Ralph celebrates having a medal and sets off a enemy robot bug that clamps onto his face. He freaks out and ends up in a ship then crashing into another game called Sugar Rush. Its like Mario Kart but not nearly as fun looking. Meanwhile Sergeant Calhoun and Felix try to find out where Ralph went since no one can play Felix’s game it is now out of order and will be unplugged either killing everyone or if they escape making them homeless. Ralph crashes his ship and meets a girl named Vanellope von Schweetz. She is annoying. I know she is supposed to be cute but I wanted him to smash her. She ends up taking his medal to participate in a race. Vanellope is a glitch and everyone hates her and makes fun of her. And I joined them.

Sergeant Calhoun, with her hot ass, tells Felix that the alien robot bugs, Cy-Bugs, can infect any game and multiple they decide to find Ralph and bring him back home. Felix has a huge crush on Calhoun who was “designed with the most tragic backstory.” On her wedding day her groom was eaten right before they kissed because it happened to be the one time she didn’t check the perimeters. Ralph decides to help Vanellope after seeing how shitty her life is and because she already used his medal to enter the race he kinda has no choice. They train until she is good enough to race.

King Candy, the ruler of Sugar Rush, tells Ralph that if Vanellope wins the race the game will be seen as glitch and will be destroyed since she was never supposed to exist in it. Ralph believes him and ends up breaking her car and getting his medal back from King Candy. Felix is captured and Ralph heads back to his game and everyone is gone thinking it was going to be unplugged soon. He sees across the arcade that Vanellope is actually on the Sugar Rush game console and not a mistake. He heads back and saves Felix who fixes the kart and enters the race.

The race begins and Vanellope does well when the Cy-Bugs begin attacking everyone. Calhoun, Ralph, and Felix help everyone to escape since the game is being destroyed. King Candy reveals himself to be Turbo which is a really good twist. Turbo had his own game years ago but a newer racing game came out and kids started playing it more. He got jealous and invaded the game making it glitch and being removed from the arcade. He wants her out of Sugar Rush because he knows people will love her.

I'm too old to still be pervin'.

No, I will not say how it ends. This was better than I expected. Seeing a lot of the games I grew up watching was really fun. My main complaint is the Sugar Rush game. This movie takes place there mostly and I wish they could’ve used an established game instead since this one doesn’t look all that fun. It looks like Mario Kart so I wish they would’ve used that or something close. The look of the film was good as was the music except that one part when a Rihanna song started playing. I was like “Oh, lord, ever here I cant escape?!” Check this out if you can.