I just finished watching Gunpowder Milkshake. That title alone should drive people away. I knew I wouldn't be able to do this in regular review form unless I wanted it to be one paragraph long so I decided to write my reactions as I watched.
This movie just started and it is trying too hard to be cool.
That milkshake gotta be hot as hell. Sitting there for three hours? Shit. Enjoy your cup of hot cream!
Here comes Cersei!
Who drinks a shake like that? Weird ass mother and daughter staring into each others eyes like that. I love milkshakes but they make me thankful I live alone. Those things charge a man's price in my guts.
Who these dudes? What year is this supposed to be? They talking like cartoon gangsters.
Who wrote this? This dialogue is ass.
You gonna wait to kill the guy after he slices your kids face?!
And you bone out?!
So this diner is supposed to be like The Continental or Hotel Artemis. I get it.
I guess retro aesthetic is just the thing now.
Look at these hot older ladies!
Sam dresses suspicious as fuck. Like if I saw her on the streets I would think she was gonna kill someone or had just done so. Looking like an evil Carmen San Diego.
What the fuck is this man doing? Is there a kid involved? My phone could say it was Jesus on the other line and if I had a gun on me that shit just ringing.
Oh, they got this dudes kid. Now she got a conscience.
Does a goddamn vampire have this little girl hostage?! He wants Sam to leave her gun and clothes? Freak.
Um...who did this fight choreography? This is some bootleg Jackie Chan shit.
You don't get cattle pronged in the dick and face and keep getting up.
That's a cool ass jacket she got on.
This little girl got kidnapped by the damn Groovie Ghoulies.
Poor Frankenstein. Wait. Is that the money? Oh, come on. That grenade moved that monster across the parking lot. Dracula got a stake through the heart.
Wait. Sam got shot in the arm and is totally okay with it.
Okay, I get it now. This director thinks they're Guy Ritchie.
Damn. They just draped the bloody sheets all over this girls dad. Did they spin him around while he was dying?
Is she gonna kill these men with floppy ass arms?
Yep. She about to have a floppy armed knife fight.
I bet this hospital hallway fight looked great on paper. She killed this man with a big ass tooth.
Where are the older ladies? I want more of them.
Why was this doctor just sitting in the elevator this whole time?
“That is serial” is gonna make its way into my daily accusations.
Is this little girl gonna find out Sam killed her dad at a moment where she has to decide if she dies or not?
Little kid high speed chase! FRAGAMATODLER!!!
Is this car bulletproof?!
How these nerds miss this bright ass red car they were chasing a moment ago?
Really? Her big ass head honked the horn?!
Okay. The car is bulletproof. Got it.
What city is this? There are no cops or people just in the streets.
Is this man bringing a school bus full of killers?
Oh, its her mom. Cool.
Her apprentice? Oh, lord, this little girl got a taste for blood and she likes it!
Man. This movie really slammed on the brakes once she got back in touch with her mother.
So this place led back to the library? Finally the ladies are back!
Could you imagine getting your ass kicked with a gold brick?
Sam getting her ass attacked while her mother runs to her in slow motion.
Damn! These dudes going WSHH on her ass!
Mama's gun kicks like a mule!
These stunt men are being super extra with their flips.
Really? He no-looked shot this woman with a Gatling gun?
This dude pulled a knife out his heart to continue fighting.
Who is this big Luke Harper looking ass man with a sledgehammer?!
It'd be cool if a lady assassin showed up as a final boss.
Get over here!!! Yeoh just turned into Scorpion!
Ooh, this movie dragging. How much longer I got?
18 minutes. Damn it.
Ooh, this man want the little girl to watch Sam get tortured.
Mama the waitress!
This movie wants me to ovulate so bad.
That girl too big to be carried.
Time for a slow mo massacre.
No one wears a bullet proof vest in this universe.
She apologizing for killing this girls father after having a dream she got body rocked.
She should just take this fucker out. Got the little girl a who Girl Scout outfit to pull this trick.
I wish I had a radio that played just the right song when I turned it on. But not this movies radio. These songs suck.
So that's the end of the movie. Now Netflix is gonna start suggesting more wack ass movies for me to check out. This movie wasn't horrible but it definitely was not something I would suggest to anyone. It was purely flash but that seems to be a running gag now with action movies these days.
Karen Gillan as Sam
Lena Headey as Scarlet
Carla Gugino as Madeleine
Chloe Coleman as Emily
Ralph Ineson as Jim McAlester
Adam Nagaitis as Virgil
Michael Smiley as Dr. Ricky
Michelle Yeoh as Florence
Angela Bassett as Anna May
Paul Giamatti as Nathan
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