Theater Whore: The Hobbit The Desolation Of Smaug

The Hobbit: the Desolation Of Smaug 3/10

I decided to watch The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug because I hate myself. I am not gonna sit here and attempt to name all the dwarfs in this because even after two films my brain calls them The Leader, The Human Looking One, and the rest. Oh, Bilbo and Gandolf. So after the last film where they walked a lot and finally got to the dragon only for the movie to end with a image of the dragon's damned eye, this one makes you wait another 100 minutes to finally see the dragon again!

So this movie. Sigh. What can I say about it? It was pretty, loud, and long. Sounds like one of my ex girlfriends! Hi-yo! See what I did there? Ask me why I'm single again? So this movie features all the same dwarfs and none of them ever die even though they should've many times over. I'll just post some comments from my Facebook page regarding this film.

Dante: I was just staring at this movie waiting for the dragon since he didn't show up until the end of the first film. Well, his eyeball did. And then he finally shows up an hour and a half later. There's the forced romance with the elf and the only dwarf that looks semi-normal. When Smaug finally shows up he is just lonely as hell and talks way too much. I also realized that if someone pours thousands of gallons of molting hot gold on you that if you shake it off you'll be fine.

Dan: The bad thing about that romance is that the actors were doing a pretty good job, but everything was falling flat about it. And why Stephen Fry and his sidekick? It didn't help anything. And it's weird too. When the dwarfs are trapped in the elf kingdom, the cartoon made it seem like an ordeal, but the film, even though it spent a lot more time there, made it seem like nothing, just an excuse to ride a water slide. And the dude playing the elf king was weird and alien, but they didn't give him enough to work with to really sell what's going on there.

Dante: The barrel scene was just there to be silly. "Look at what dwarfs can do!" And there's no way they could've survived the amount of danger they were in. There was no sense of danger in this film especially after all the shit they made it through in the first film. In Smaug's place they should have died more than a dozen times! But the cute dwarf gets an arrow in the knee and its like "Oh, no! Our one weakness!"

Dan: Yeah, the barrel scene was perfect example. We don't see any jeopardy really, orcs seem to appear from nowhere and when they do are very passive attackers. It would have been better if they set the number of orcs and made them great scary fighters instead of fodder for the elves and dwarfs to look overly CG'd and silly. We saw elves die in the two towers and it was good and brutal, made the attackers seem like something to be actually scared of!

Dante: Yeah. Those orcs were just like the guys in Streets of Rage that you punch a couple of times and they just die. They are in there just to distract the main bad guy from having to fight because when he actually does he fends off Legolas. A fucking elf warrior! That means he could have easily handled those dwarfs all by himself. And how about that leader dwarf (I am not gonna bother to learn their names) going half crazy and then suddenly everyone is following his orders?

This movie was good if you like listening to giant swarthy dragons. Otherwise just skip it.

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