Are you planning on getting a divorce? Have you already divorced? Shame on you. Its all about that thing called “consciously uncoupling” because regular divorces are for your mortals, not for people like Gwyneth Paltrow. She and her soon to be ex husband lead singer of Coldplay Chris Martin released a statement that has angered many people but just managed to make me roll my eyes so hard that I was able to see my brain, read my thoughts, and express my annoyance through text. Here is what she posted on her blog.
“It is with hearts full of sadness
that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well
over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what
might have been possible between us, and we have come to the
conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain
separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many
ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and
foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their
and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We
have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as
we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in
the same manner.
Love,
Gwyneth & Chris”
Gwyneth & Chris”
I will assume Chris didn't write a
single word of this. I have heard his music. He is better than this.
I love how when famous people split they say that they will remain
best friends and that everything is great...except for the fact that
something happened that was so bad that they can't stand to be in the
same home together.
There is speculation that Gwyneth (god,
I hate typing that name) was messing around with a few guys while she
was with Chris and there is even photos to prove it. While at a
baseball game with her kids she and one of her old flames had this
picture taken.
There are a few more and the way he is
touching her in others you know they fucking. I don't have a friend
that I don't want to fuck where I am grabbing their ass. If I grab
your ass while giving you a hug it is a very safe assumption to have
that I want to have sex with you. People have told me that they met
Gwyneth and that she was nice and sweet. You know who else they say
that about? The Devil! Some have even attempted to defend her by
saying how great of an actress she is. Name a movie that doesn't
involve the words Shakespeare, In, or Love. I'll wait. Bad enough she
ruined Iron Man 3. God, she was just awful in that.
Also on her blog she posted an article
from some dude with a complicated name who wrote about this
“consciously uncoupling.” Here are some excerpts because the
whole thing is long and boring.
“The media likes to throw around the
statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It turns out
that's accurate: Many people are concerned about the divorce rate and
see it as an important problem that needs to be fixed. But what if
divorce itself isn't the problem? What if it's just a symptom of
something deeper that needs our attention? The high divorce rate
might actually be a calling to learn a new way of being in
relationships.”
Translation: Stop fucking one person
for the rest of your life, you square! If you told me that when I
left the house today that there'd be a 50% chance of me dying then
guess what I wouldn't be doing? Going outside.
“During the upper Paleolithic period
of human history (roughly 50,000BC to 10,000BC) the average human
life expectancy at birth was 33. By 1900, U.S. life expectancy was
only 46 for men, and 48 for women. Today, it's 76 and 81
respectively. During the 52,000 years between our Paleolithic
ancestors and the dawn of the 20th Century, life expectancy rose just
15 years. In the last 114 years, it's increased by 43 years for men,
and 48 years for women.”
Translation: Goddamn you, nature!
Making us live all longer an' shit. If I was gonna live for just 33
years spending a few years with this broad would be fine. But you
expect me to go 40, 50, 60 years with one woman?! Get the fuck outta
here!
“To put in plainly, as divorce rates
indicate, human beings haven't been able to fully adapt to our
skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren't set
up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. This is not
to suggest that there aren't couples who happily make these
milestones we all hope that we're one of them. Everyone enters into a
marriage with the good intention to go all the way, but this sort of
longevity is the exception, rather than the rule. It's important to
remember too, that just because someone is still married doesn't mean
they're happy or that the relationship is fulfilling.”
Translation: That guy that cheated on
you after a few months and blamed science? Turns out he was right.
No one is running around saying that
just because people are married that they are happy. 9 times out of
10 I assume the opposite. Most married people hate each other and are
staying together for their children. By the way, if anyone is reading
this and is in a situation where they are staying together for the
sake of a child, never tell the child this information! This isn't TV
where your kid will be like “Oh, wow. It is so awesome that you did
that for me!” They'll more than likely say “What the fuck, mom?!
You never should've told me that!” When a kid finds out that you
made your life miserable for them it makes them feel like shit.
“Because we believed so strongly in
the 'until death do us part' concept, we see the demise of our
marriage as a failure, bringing with it shame, guilt, or regret.
Since most of us don't want to face what we see as a personal
failure, we retreat into resentment and anger, and resort to
attacking each other instead. We've put on our armor and we're ready
to do battle. What we don’t realize is that while a full body
shield may offer a level of self-protection, it's also a form of
self-imprisonment that locks us inside a life that repeats the same
mistakes over and over again.”
I don't think many folks are still
running around thinking that they will stay with the person they
marry until they die anymore. Fuck. Just the idea of that is a lot to
ask. I have friends I feel that way about, but looking at past
relationships I just go “Uh...yeah but no.” Know why? Sex. Sex
starts to fuck with everything. Remember how good it used to feel
just making out with someone? Oh, it was the best! Or getting to 3rd
base? Shut the front door! That was awesome! But once insertion
happens between genitals something happens and people start tripping.
There are women I'd like to kiss and never have sex with. The idea of
me right now getting married is laughable. Let's do some Dante Math!
I'm 35. If I were to date someone
starting right now we'd have to be friends for a year or two before
she realized that I liked her because I don't do shit normal. Then
we'd date for a few more years and likely move in together. This is
the real test. I gotta see how messy this person I am with is. I
ain't living with no pig. Next I have to see how we get along when
times are tough because some people bail with the quickness. While
all this is going on I need to find out how she feels religiously,
what she does for fun and if it clicks with my dull ass lifestyle, if
she wants kids or not, if she already has kids or not, and what her
family is like. The family thing is important. I don't think I have
ever been with a woman that got along with her dad which means that I
am gonna get some buckshot from that shit. How is she sexually? When
I am not in a relationship sex to me falls behind writing, reading,
drawing, talking on the phone, watching movies, ironing, cleaning,
arts and crafts, and singing Metallica's “Enter Sandman” in the
voice of Golum. But when I am dating and sex is on the table sex is
getting eaten! Otherwise...meh.
By using this “consciously
uncoupling” phrase from some woo peddler she is absolving herself
from the responsibility of her failed marriage. Its not the fact that
she has allegedly slept with multiple people during her marriage. It
isn't because she seems boring as fuck. It isn't because she imposes
her ridiculous ass eating habits on her family. It isn't because she
seems like a generally unlikable person. Nope. Its science.
After posting her blog she and Chris
went on a “Breakup Moon” in the Bahamas. Come the fuck on! Can
anything be normal?! If I am going on vacation with someone I am
divorcing soon its gonna be for one of three reasons.
1. To have so much fun with them they'll
regret ever wanting to leave me.
2. To fuck them crippled.
3. To make sure they never leave the
island alive.
Maybe that's just me. Hopefully Chris
is able to turn this into even better songs and pull a Taylor Swift
(aka Taydolf Switler). Everyone is gonna ask him about dirt on
Gwyneth and he's British so he won't say shit because they're all
polite. But we all know why they split. That beet-cured gravlax
pushed him right over the fucking edge!
Now pardon me. I have to consciously uncouple my ass from this bed.
It contains no gluten, GMO's, fat, flavor, HPV, or sugar! |
Now pardon me. I have to consciously uncouple my ass from this bed.
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