Monday, March 31, 2014

Stop It: Gwenyth Paltrow

Are you planning on getting a divorce? Have you already divorced? Shame on you. Its all about that thing called “consciously uncoupling” because regular divorces are for your mortals, not for people like Gwyneth Paltrow. She and her soon to be ex husband lead singer of Coldplay Chris Martin released a statement that has angered many people but just managed to make me roll my eyes so hard that I was able to see my brain, read my thoughts, and express my annoyance through text. Here is what she posted on her blog.

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Gwyneth & Chris”

I will assume Chris didn't write a single word of this. I have heard his music. He is better than this. I love how when famous people split they say that they will remain best friends and that everything is great...except for the fact that something happened that was so bad that they can't stand to be in the same home together.

There is speculation that Gwyneth (god, I hate typing that name) was messing around with a few guys while she was with Chris and there is even photos to prove it. While at a baseball game with her kids she and one of her old flames had this picture taken.

There are a few more and the way he is touching her in others you know they fucking. I don't have a friend that I don't want to fuck where I am grabbing their ass. If I grab your ass while giving you a hug it is a very safe assumption to have that I want to have sex with you. People have told me that they met Gwyneth and that she was nice and sweet. You know who else they say that about? The Devil! Some have even attempted to defend her by saying how great of an actress she is. Name a movie that doesn't involve the words Shakespeare, In, or Love. I'll wait. Bad enough she ruined Iron Man 3. God, she was just awful in that.

Also on her blog she posted an article from some dude with a complicated name who wrote about this “consciously uncoupling.” Here are some excerpts because the whole thing is long and boring.

“The media likes to throw around the statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It turns out that's accurate: Many people are concerned about the divorce rate and see it as an important problem that needs to be fixed. But what if divorce itself isn't the problem? What if it's just a symptom of something deeper that needs our attention? The high divorce rate might actually be a calling to learn a new way of being in relationships.”

Translation: Stop fucking one person for the rest of your life, you square! If you told me that when I left the house today that there'd be a 50% chance of me dying then guess what I wouldn't be doing? Going outside.

“During the upper Paleolithic period of human history (roughly 50,000BC to 10,000BC) the average human life expectancy at birth was 33. By 1900, U.S. life expectancy was only 46 for men, and 48 for women. Today, it's 76 and 81 respectively. During the 52,000 years between our Paleolithic ancestors and the dawn of the 20th Century, life expectancy rose just 15 years. In the last 114 years, it's increased by 43 years for men, and 48 years for women.”

Translation: Goddamn you, nature! Making us live all longer an' shit. If I was gonna live for just 33 years spending a few years with this broad would be fine. But you expect me to go 40, 50, 60 years with one woman?! Get the fuck outta here!

“To put in plainly, as divorce rates indicate, human beings haven't been able to fully adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren't set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. This is not to suggest that there aren't couples who happily make these milestones we all hope that we're one of them. Everyone enters into a marriage with the good intention to go all the way, but this sort of longevity is the exception, rather than the rule. It's important to remember too, that just because someone is still married doesn't mean they're happy or that the relationship is fulfilling.”

Translation: That guy that cheated on you after a few months and blamed science? Turns out he was right.

No one is running around saying that just because people are married that they are happy. 9 times out of 10 I assume the opposite. Most married people hate each other and are staying together for their children. By the way, if anyone is reading this and is in a situation where they are staying together for the sake of a child, never tell the child this information! This isn't TV where your kid will be like “Oh, wow. It is so awesome that you did that for me!” They'll more than likely say “What the fuck, mom?! You never should've told me that!” When a kid finds out that you made your life miserable for them it makes them feel like shit.

“Because we believed so strongly in the 'until death do us part' concept, we see the demise of our marriage as a failure, bringing with it shame, guilt, or regret. Since most of us don't want to face what we see as a personal failure, we retreat into resentment and anger, and resort to attacking each other instead. We've put on our armor and we're ready to do battle. What we don’t realize is that while a full body shield may offer a level of self-protection, it's also a form of self-imprisonment that locks us inside a life that repeats the same mistakes over and over again.”

I don't think many folks are still running around thinking that they will stay with the person they marry until they die anymore. Fuck. Just the idea of that is a lot to ask. I have friends I feel that way about, but looking at past relationships I just go “Uh...yeah but no.” Know why? Sex. Sex starts to fuck with everything. Remember how good it used to feel just making out with someone? Oh, it was the best! Or getting to 3rd base? Shut the front door! That was awesome! But once insertion happens between genitals something happens and people start tripping. There are women I'd like to kiss and never have sex with. The idea of me right now getting married is laughable. Let's do some Dante Math!

I'm 35. If I were to date someone starting right now we'd have to be friends for a year or two before she realized that I liked her because I don't do shit normal. Then we'd date for a few more years and likely move in together. This is the real test. I gotta see how messy this person I am with is. I ain't living with no pig. Next I have to see how we get along when times are tough because some people bail with the quickness. While all this is going on I need to find out how she feels religiously, what she does for fun and if it clicks with my dull ass lifestyle, if she wants kids or not, if she already has kids or not, and what her family is like. The family thing is important. I don't think I have ever been with a woman that got along with her dad which means that I am gonna get some buckshot from that shit. How is she sexually? When I am not in a relationship sex to me falls behind writing, reading, drawing, talking on the phone, watching movies, ironing, cleaning, arts and crafts, and singing Metallica's “Enter Sandman” in the voice of Golum. But when I am dating and sex is on the table sex is getting eaten! Otherwise...meh.

Back to Gwyneth.


By using this “consciously uncoupling” phrase from some woo peddler she is absolving herself from the responsibility of her failed marriage. Its not the fact that she has allegedly slept with multiple people during her marriage. It isn't because she seems boring as fuck. It isn't because she imposes her ridiculous ass eating habits on her family. It isn't because she seems like a generally unlikable person. Nope. Its science.

After posting her blog she and Chris went on a “Breakup Moon” in the Bahamas. Come the fuck on! Can anything be normal?! If I am going on vacation with someone I am divorcing soon its gonna be for one of three reasons.

1. To have so much fun with them they'll regret ever wanting to leave me.

2. To fuck them crippled.

3. To make sure they never leave the island alive.

Maybe that's just me. Hopefully Chris is able to turn this into even better songs and pull a Taylor Swift (aka Taydolf Switler). Everyone is gonna ask him about dirt on Gwyneth and he's British so he won't say shit because they're all polite. But we all know why they split. That beet-cured gravlax pushed him right over the fucking edge!

It contains no gluten, GMO's, fat, flavor, HPV, or sugar!

Now pardon me. I have to consciously uncouple my ass from this bed.

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