The Review: Sleepover

Sleepover 6/10

Today I watched this movie called Sleepover with B&H in their successful mission to make me watch anything featuring Evan Peters. They made no mention of him being in this movie until he was sprung on me and I lost my mind. He is a kid that loves showing people a photo of him in a coma. But this is not about him. This is about a group of young girls getting away with vandalism, grand theft auto, and staying out past curfew. It is the last day of the 8th grade and Julie wants to have a sleepover. She invites three girls but one can't make it because fuck these nerds. She has a dance to go to. Julie invites this other girl like an afterthought. Julie's mom leaves her with her dad who spends the entire night installing a water filter while her brother who dropped out of college begs her for money. During the night the popular girl Staci who did not wanna come to the sleepover climbs into Julie's house after her boyfriend thinks that skipping the dance she is dressed for is not as fun as driving onto a lawn to suck face.

Sitting In The Aisle: Spider-Man Far From Home

Spider-Man Far From Home 10/10

This will be full of all of the spoilers. I fucking loved this movie. Spider-Man Far From Home managed to be better than the first Homecoming movie and anything I disliked about any characters was handled and fixed in this one. I mean, they did not have all that much to fix considering how much I liked it. This takes place after Endgame where Tony Stark died. If you are finding that out by reading this then that is totally on you, not me. Nick Fury and Maria Hill head to this town in Mexico where a storm with a face caused a bunch of destruction. Next thing you know the shit kicks up again and suddenly this globe headed dude shows up and tells them they want none of this and then...Whitney Houston. I shit you not. The theater lost it laughing. Back at Peter's school the school news made a video celebrating the Avengers that died by playing “I Will Always Love You” with some terrible photos.

The Review: Tag

Tag 5/10

I did not expect this movie to be as funny as it was or have such well done action sequences. Tag kept being suggested to me and I remember someone saying that it was like Hawkeye having his own solo film already in this. So I watched this and liked it. This is based off the true story of a group of friends who have been playing the game of tag for decades. They take this shit to brand new levels to tag one another. There are rules and it takes place only in May. They find out that the best player who has never been tagged is getting married soon and plans to never play the game again so they meet up to head their and get him before he can.

Sitting In The Aisle: Booksmart

Booksmart 8/10

My name is Dante and I am a 40 year old Black dude that really liked a movie about two White chicks wanting to party before graduating high school. By the way, full of random ass spoilers. A coworker told me that this movie Booksmart was funnier than Tropic Thunder and I told her to hold her horses because I fucking love that movie and the commentary makes it even better. This was funny and had some parts that made me crack up. I love Gigi. I want an entire movie with her just appearing in places unexpectedly. This is about two girls named Amy and Molly. They are the type of people that you roll your eyes at or sigh when they enter the room and the other students do. Amy has been out of the closet for a couple of years and her religious family is fine with it. They just don't want details. She plans to head to Botswana after school to make tampons for women in villages. Yeah. She has a crush on this skateboarding girl named Ryan whose voice I loved. Molly plans to go to Yale, get a great job, and a great career.

The Review: Tomb Raider

Tomb Raider 1/10

What the hell was this butt fest of a movie? Don't think I was sitting here hoping this movie would blow my mind with a great story and incredible action. But I did at least hope it would be fun and cheesy. Wasn't fun. Wasn't cheesy. It just existed. That is a good way to describe this. It just existed. Things happened on screen, people were hit (mostly Lara Croft), explosions happened, and it threatened the world with a sequel that I assure you will never happen. I am sure I said the same thing about the Tomb Raider film from back in the day but that was when Angelina Jolie had that boom boom pow. I won't even compare that and this movie because they were both ass. Just not fun shit that costs way more than they should've. I would have taken that 90 million bucks and invested in three seasons of the most epic Zelda series ever seen. So yeah. You may notice I'm not actually talking about the movie. That's cause it blew creepy clowns. Not all that much to say.

The Review: Fahrenheit 451

Fahrenheit 451 (2/10)

This movie was butt which sucks because it stars two guys that I am a super fan of. I heard about this movie last year but after it came out heard no reviews or anything. So I went into this thinking it was gonna be a cool movie about books burning, lessons to learn from the pasts mistakes, and if anything really good acting. This turned out to be super bland. There was nothing spectacular about it. Every time someone spoke it was like the screen was saying “This is acting and you are watching a movie.” You know how powerfully bland your writing and directing has to be to conquer the powers of both Shannon and Jordan? By the way this Fahrenheit 451 movie is so different from the book there is no actual need to compare the two. I was able to watch this as just a movie and judge it based on that alone.

The Review: The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot

The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot 8/10

Spoilerific. Last night I watched this movie The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot based solely only the title. Well, that and I like the star of the movie. I figured that this would be a movie like Big Fish where this old guy would talk about the weird things he has done in his life and you would see that some of it was true and the other parts made up or like Bubba Ho Tep where it was real and no one believed him. Turns out that I was wrong on both fronts. This guy legit kills both Hitler and Bigfoot in his lifetime and it was pretty damned groovy.

The Review: Bad Times At El Royale

Bad Times At The El Royale 5/10

I watched the movie Bad Times At El Royale and it took me a little bit to figure out what kinda score I would give it. While watching I started to feel like it was taking too long to get really going and realized it was only about twenty minutes in. Then I thought “This feels like it was written and directed by the same person...” Turns out I was right. There is a certain feel that movies that have both and that feeling is usually a lack of editing, strange pacing, and being too long. This movie looks amazing. It was beautifully shot. The sound, the look, the acting were all good. But the pacing was all over the place. There were character arcs that were shown that I had figured out not because I am a clever bird but because it was pretty obvious. Priests are always bank robbers for real.

The Review: Good Omens

Good Omens 8/10

Over the weekend I checked out the new Amazon series Good Omens. This is the story of an angel and the demon who are both not that good at their jobs who over thousands of years become sorta friends and coworkers even though they have to keep their contact secret or else they will both face terrible ass consequences. That is the short version. The long version is that this show was really good, funny, and creative as fuck but it could have been weirder. I know that may sound strange for a show featuring hell zombies, asshole angels, aliens with duck bills, and the city of Atlantis rising. But it felt like the show was getting weirder and then got on track when it should've continued to be odd. The special effects were cheesy but in a good way that fit and I got the vibe of Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy while watching.

Sitting In The Aisle: Brightburn

Brightburn 9/10

Full of spoilers. I meant to see this new movie Brightburn last weekend but did not wanna deal with crowds of any sort over the holidays so I went and checked it out this morning. I remember seeing the trailer a while back and getting hype as fuck because it looked new and original. I thought it was an actual good looking Superman trailer until a woman yanked glass out her eye. This movie was far better than it had any right to be considering I only knew one name associated with it as well as the budget. This was a cool fucking movie. Not sure why it is not doing that well because I got way more than I expected. I legit had at least five jump scares. Not the new fake ones where suddenly the music gets loud but real “Oh, fuck me!” ones. If you are on the fence about seeing this based on reviews you have read or heard I suggest you pretend you can make your own decisions and go see this. We need more movies like this existing.

The Review: Game Of Thrones Season 8 Episode 6

Game Of Thrones Season 8 “The Iron Throne” 9/10

This is full of all the spoilers. I have been enjoying the shit out of this season. I know a lot of people are mad and want another season or a redo of this season. I grew up in a world where shows just disappeared with no goodbye so when I see all these people whining harder about this than how their own parents raised them to be such shit birds I get annoyed. Then I get entertained. I have gone on Twitter after this aired just to laugh at how upset people are about this. It is super entertaining for me. I have not read any of the books this series is based off of but I do know that dude ain't published one in damn near a decade. I find some information from the books useful that I read on the Game Of Thrones Wiki page and go “Oh, okay” and go about my life. But some people...damn. Some of you need to check your dosages. Keep your lists of question the show has to answer to make you happy. I get not liking something because it didn't turn out the way you wanted or expected. I call it my life. But if this show upsets you as much as people are acting just write something better.

The Review: Ready Player One

Ready Player One 1/10

This movie is garbage. Who liked this shit? I know when it came out some folks were hype like “I loved the book!” and others were like “80's stuff! I know 80's stuff!” So do I. I lived through the shit and I am not clamoring to have it redone or flashing on my screen. This movie had scenes that looked like I was watching a video game that would crash your computer. Just stuff. This movie was a lot of stuff moving on the screen. There is a simulated video game world that almost everyone plays because the real world is a dumpster fire and can straight up lose real world money. Why is this a movie plot? That is real life. This kid Wade Watts is the hero our world needs because...because reasons. He and millions of others are searching for three keys and an Easter egg and if they do they get all the money and control over the video game world.

Sitting In The Aisle: John Wick Chapter 3 Parabellum

John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum 10/10

This is gonna be full of spoilers. I fucking loved this movie. I liked but had some complaints about the first one and loved the second. I was hype as shit when I heard this one was coming out and avoided spoilers. I knew a horse would be involved because the trailer and a crazy ass motorcycle chase. I can not believe that after three movies I am still wanting to see more of this character. Hell, I made a Perler bead design of him a while ago. I went to see this at the AMC up on Sunset and the theater was quiet at first but started to get hype as the movie went on. But seriously. Those half hour worth of trailers and commercials is way too much. Now on to the review!

The Review: Game Of Thrones Season 8 Episode 5

Game Of Thrones Season 8 “The Bells”

This will be full of ALL THE SPOILERS! Full disclosure: I cursed a lot while watching this episode. I cursed along with characters. I cursed when they didn't but should have on account of what was happening. By the way, I know someone that is deep into reading what other folks have to say about this season and she will tell or show me the stuff. I gotta say...y'all are some toxic motherfuckers. Like, for real. Instead of disagreeing with the way a show is going you choose to say it is the worst thing ever as if there was a way it could've gone and pleased you. They are giving movie length episodes every week for six weeks and ending on a high note unlike most TV shows and yet a lot of you choose to shit on it. Varys is sitting down writing all of the juicy G about the fact that Jon should be running shit and not his potentially/confirmed this episode crazy auntie/girlfriend. A little girl lets him know that she ain't eating or anything. She hasn't even combed her hair since Missandei died.

The Review: Mommy Dead And Dearest

Mommy Dead And Dearest 8/10

When your own father suggests flushing your ashes down the toilet you know you have to be one of the most ain't shit humans to ever walk the planet. I just watched Mommy Dead And Dearest on HBO and my god it is nuts. I know that there is a series on Hulu but I ain't got time to be watching people pretend to be real folks when I can watch the actual people involved tell their story? By the way. The song during the credits? I get it. It has the name of the girl that this is about but seriously? That was super classless. This is about a girl named Gypsy Rose Blanchard who along with her boyfriend were charged for murdering her mother Dee Dee Blanchard. I had heard a little bit about this like the fact that the mom was pretending the daughter was sick for attention and money. What I did not know was that this little girl was now in her early 20's and that her mother had a whole laundry list of issues that she said her daughter had.