Theater Whore: The Watch

“You can not kill someone and take their skin! That is not cool!”

Has anyone else even seen this movie? I mention it too folks and they’re like “The what…?” I decided to see it because I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there is fuck all playing in theaters right now. Pickins is slim! Out of the cast of Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Jonah Hill each has made me laugh my ass off at some point. Then there’s this new guy Richard Ayoade joining. Now what is this film about? A murder that inspires someone to start a neighborhood watch to find the killer and protect their friends and neighbors.

Yep. Neighborhood watching. 

Stiller as Evan Trautwig has been working at Costco for over a decade and loves his plain and simple life and his wife who thinks their small town in Ohio is dull. She leaves for vacation and during the night the security guard gets his skin ripped off. Evan has a speech at the high school football game and is joined by Vaughn as Bob, a married guy who acts like a frat boy who has a daughter. Look. Its Vince Vaughn playing every role you’ve seen him in and its amazing. Jonah Hill is Franklin, a guy who failed the mental and physical exams to be a cop. And finally Richard Ayoade as Jamarcus. When Jamarcus arrives Evan is happy because he tries to have friends of every race as evidenced when he joins a cleaning crew and happily meets a Black person.

Evan is pissed from the first meeting when Bob treats it as a hangout and invites everyone over to his house to play pool, drink, and act insane. They meet up again and end up running something over. Bob and Jamarcus think its sperm going so far as to say it has the taste, consistency, and smell of it. Its green but Jamarcus says that’s normal. They spot this weird orb on the ground and R. Lee Ermey shows up and threatens to kill them. They take the orb and figure that the damned thing shoots lasers! Yes, the first thing they destroy is a cow.

Later an asshole kid and his friends toss eggs at the group and they chase him down and take him to the police station. The cop played by Will Forte is fucking hilarious! He lets the kid go immediately and he ends up being killed and skinned by the killer. Evan and Jamarcus eventually get a call and respond and its an alien. Evan uses Mac & Me sounds and whatever he can think of from other alien films to befriend the creature. This thing flings him across the yard and screeches in Jamarcus’ face. Evan kills it with a garden gnome.

They take the alien back to Bob’s house and take pictures with it. And put a wig on it. And dance with it, make out with it, and everything you should not do with an alien corpse. Suddenly it wakes up and fucks everyone up before grabbing the orb and escaping. Bob is dealing with his daughter by stalking her Facebook page and tries to keep her from this guy she likes who Bob spots buying Magnum condoms. Bob and Franklin end up crashing a party she is attending and Bob gets his ass kicked by the kid.

Hey, what wiseguy put shit in my pants...?

Later Evan is invited to a party by his creepy ass neighbor played by Billy Crudup. They head there and it turns out to be an orgy. Jamarcus, who is the biggest perv who has a fantasy of having his balls licked by an Asian woman, gets his wish. They thought the neighbor was an alien and it turns out they were wrong. Later Jamarcus confesses that he is an alien and that in six hours the planet will be taken over but if they leave now they can hide in caves for a while.

Later they figure that the aliens are setting up camp at Costco and they battle them discovering that their crotch is where their brains are. They destroy the orb and transmitter that would bring the rest of the aliens and blow up Costco. This movie wasn’t terrible. The parts that are funny are fucking funny but there seems to be this weird inconsistency at times. Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill had some of the funniest lines followed by Ayoade. Attack The Block was far superior. I only brought that up because I fucking love that movie.