The Review: The Players Club

The Players Club 8/10

So L. had me watch this crazy ass movie. I had heard of it and knew Ice Cube made a song for it. I didn't know he was also in the movie and directed it. This movie is fucking crazy. It starts off with this girl named Diana/Diamond standing in front of a burnt ass strip club which did nothing but make me accuse different people of starting the fire until the end of the movie. She wants to go to a certain college and her father disagrees so she leaves. Her mom tries to stop her and by stop her I mean she stops at the porch and begs her not to go. Trifflin' ass mothers. One day at the shoe store she's working at these ladies named Ronnie and Tricks tell her she could make some money stripping. By the way, I would not be going to any club these women worked at. I am too used to the quality of women from P-Valley and would immediately know these women were up to no good. Strike one.

The Review: The Five Heartbeats

 

The Five Heartbeats 8/10

L. got me to watch Black movie that I had never seen. I have heard of this movie and seen random references to it but never had a strong desire to check this out. Turns out I really enjoyed it. This is about a former singing group called The Heartbeats. There is Duck, his older brother JT, Dresser, Choirboy, and Eddie King Jr. I mention his government name because this man is a problem. All of them are but in different ways. This starts off with Duck looking at a magazine cover asking whatever happened to various musicians from back in the day. We flashback to the group losing a talent show to a weird ass band. A manager named Jimmy shows up and says he will pay them $100 if they don't win the next show. They lose and he coughs up the cash and his wife is like “We are not going through this again.” Turns out he has been betrayed in the past in the music industry. They agree to let him manage them after the clubs owner wants them.

The Review: The Inkwell

The Inkwell 4/10

Okay. So I had never seen The Inkwell. I had heard of it and thought it was one of those classic Black movies that I managed to go decades without seeing. Well...this movie was ass and weird. It is about this 16 year old boy named Drew with the worlds thickest, driest afro who is a weirdo from New York in 1976. His family plans on going to see his aunt and her family in Martha's Vineyard. He talks to himself saying just random shit and has a doll that he talks to and speaks to him...in his mind. So they head out to this place and everyone seems to hate each other. Drew's grandmother seems to hate his mom. His aunt's husband seems to hate Drew's father. Drew's father hates all of them. He is a former Black Panther. He thinks the family is very uppity. I don't think so. I think they are just weirdos just like everyone else in the film.

Drew hangs with his cousin Junior who is a ladies man I guess. His room is filthy and he has two friends who are goofballs. As L. pointed out at least these guys aren't mean to Drew. They take him to the beach and Drew spots this girl named Lauren who has a perpetually shitty look on her face. At home it is never made clear why Drew's grandmother doesn't like her daughter. The fathers keep getting into it and they end up fighting on a tennis court at one point. Drew's parents are on the verge of divorce. Turns out that Drew set the house on fire and people are worried that he's nuts. I would say so. Drew gets set up with a therapist and she sees him talking to the doll in his bag. Drew meets this older lady named Heather whose husband Harold cheats on her at least three times in this movie.

The Review: A Thin Line Between Love And Hate

 

A Thin Line Between Love And Hate 7/10

This movie was crazy as hell. L. picked this one out for me to watch for the first time. This is about this dude named Darnell that is a nightclub manager that gives out VIP cards like free candy to women he wants to have sex with. Like, he got mothers, laundry workers, whoever. Even though he sleeping with all these women he still has a thing for a woman he knew when he was little. I think most guys do by the way. Her name is Mia and she is in the Air Force and home to visit. One day outside the club he spots lady who refuses to deal with him and his friend Tee's advances. He slips his card into her limo as she drives away.

The Review: Love & Basketball

Love & Basketball 3/10

This movie was boring as hell, y'all. L. told me and I know that this is one of those movies that is supposed to be really good and whatever. I couldn't get into it at all. Maybe its because I don't care about basketball. Maybe its because the movie didn't have any particular sort of style. Maybe because the conflict that was in it seemed so force and blown out of proportion. Either way, meh. Little girl new in town. Boys think she can't play basketball because she lacks a penis. Boy likes girl. They date. In college boy becomes asshole. Boy treats girl like shit. Later girl becomes successful overseas. Boy gets injured playing basketball. Boy engages another woman. Girl upset because she like boy. Girl challenges boy to basketball for her love. Boy wins. Boy decides to play another game. They get married and have daughter. The end. I simplified it but not really. I didn't hate this but I also didn't feel much of anything while watching and it felt long as hell.

Sanaa Lathan as Monica Wright-McCall

Omar Epps as Quincy McCall

Alfre Woodard as Camille Wright

Dennis Haysbert as Zeke McCall

Debbi Morgan as Nona McCall

Harry J. Lennix as Nathan Wright

Click here for previous The Review.

The Review: Jason's Lyric

Jason's Lyric 5/10

So L. had me watch this movie called Black Trauma. I mean Jason's Lyric. That's what it was called. I have heard of this movie forever. I honestly had never watched it because of the stars. I have nothing against them personally I just...I don't. This is about these two little brothers named Jason and Joshua. Their father Mad Dog goes to war and comes back with a leg missing along with his mind. He comes to the house and has violent outbursts and their mother refuses to let him inside. One day he gets in and one of the brothers shoots his ass after he hits their mother. I thought it was Joshua because of how he is as an adult (I'll get to that soon) but it turns out that Jason did it. So they grow up and Jason works in a TV shop while Joshua just gets out of jail for who knows what. Apparently that's just his thing. They throw him a welcome home party and he is drunk off his ass and ruins everything. He wants to get right back into crime and make money.

The Review: Brown Sugar

Brown Sugar 4/10

This movie bothered me personally. There is this trope in movies where if a man and woman are best friends that eventually they start fucking one another or constantly get into relationships with people while wanting to fuck their best friend instead. Does this happen in real life? Yes. But as someone who has a best friend that is a woman I just roll my eyes and groan because I have had relationships go into the shitter because a woman refused to believe that me and my best friend did not want a relationship or had not had one and chose to stay friends. Honestly, almost every woman I know still talk to their ex boyfriends which is strange to me but I just go “Okay.” This movie makes the two friends pathetic in their desire to have one another and not do anything about it until bigger messes are made. I should probably talk about the movie.

The Review: Why Did I Get Married

Why Did I Get Married 5/10

Once again L. made me watch a Black film that my ass has never seen but heard of. In case you all are wondering if you click on Black Movies 101. This movie was another example of a group of friends being friends for years but acting like and doing shit only my worst of enemies would do. I let L. know that in almost every Black film we have watched this seems to be a running theme and its weird. This movie is about four couples that meet up every year at a retreat and talk and work on their marriages. Or according to this particular season meet up and reveal all their secrets and fight the whole time. Like, the whole ass time. Things are weird between everyone before they even leave. Let me give some examples and spoil the whole movie at the same time.

The Review: My Brother's Wedding

My Brother's Wedding 0/10

I have other shows and movies I need to review but I gotta talk about My Brother's Wedding that L. and I watched the other day. This movie is trash. I almost gave this a 1/10 because I laughed at so many parts but they were parts not mean to be laughed at and after listening to L. read me a few reviews I started to get the feeling that this movie is supposed to be loved and considered good because the director got to edit the movie the way he wanted or because if you don't like it you don't appreciate small and independent films. Its not the fact that the acting is terrible. The characters are shitty. The filming of it when visible or audible is bad. No. The director got to show the movie the way he wanted so its great. The plot is listed as:

The Review: This Christmas

This Christmas 6/10

This movie had everything. Bottles against heads. Loan sharks. Gun threats. Spousal abuse. Jail. Baby oil. A secret White woman. This starts at a club in Chicago and after this dude Quentin finishes playing saxophone he smacks a dude over the head with a bottle and runs away. It was pretty intense. Back in LA the mother of this family, Shirley, wants all her kids together for the holiday. She is dating a guy named Joe after her husband left the family years ago to play music. The oldest is Quentin who bottles people and runs. He ain't been around for four years. Lisa who is a housewife, mother, helping run the mom's laundry business, and has a cheating ass husband. Kelli is visiting from New York. She ain't interesting. Claude is a Marine with a secret White woman. Mel is a college student with a boyfriend. Also not interesting. And finally Baby who wants to be a photographer and secret musician. See, Shirley hates music since her husband left to play music. Think that is everyone. Oh, and Joe is a deacon and dating Shirley.

The Review: The Best Man Holiday

The Best Man Holiday 8/10

L. continues to get me watching Black movies that I should have seen years ago. I really liked this one. The Best Man Holiday was exactly how I would imagine all of these people being like years after the first movie. Harper is a trash person still. I know that time has passed but he is still not shit and I am sure that I should see him differently but I just can't. He a snake and was called one and I agreed so damn much. Everyone decides to meet at Lance's place for the holidays. Lance is close to retiring from the NFL and breaking a rushing record. Harper has not sold a book that has done as well as his first in years and has almost no money left on top of the fact that his wife Robyn is pregnant and has struggled to carry a child. Jordan is dating a white dude and Harper has the nerve to act some way over her being in a relationship. Murch is not able to get more finding for his school after an old video of his now wife Candy (the stripper he fell for) comes out. He wont tell her about it but treats her like trash because of it. His old girlfriend Shelby is now on one of those Housewives type shows where she is famous and just fights folks. Quentin is doing well and is still a horndog and the best part of these movies.

The Review: Soul Food (1997)

Soul Food 5/10

I saw Soul Food a few days ago and have sat on reviewing it and talking to folk about it and dropped it a point since then. Why? Because this movie has a terrible message which is: if they are family you should forgive them no matter what. This movie has everything. Sunday dinners. Divorce. Cheating. Arguing. Guns. Greens. A horny pastor. Diabetes. Its like the recipe for a Black film. And its long and I definitely felt it at times, usually when there was music playing. This is told through a boy named Ahmad. His mother is Maxine who started dating and married a dude that her older sister Teri liked. Teri is still mad about it all these years later and after being married multiple times since then. The youngest sister Bird just married a felon named Lem who dances with this woman at the wedding and she is rubbing her booty all over his dickbone. It was so disrespectful.

The Review: Dead Presidents

Dead Presidents 7/10

This movie was fucking crazy. I had heard of Dead Presidents. All I knew was the star of it and that there was a bank heist and face paint. That's about it. It turned out to be a movie that took place about thirty decades before I thought as well. It starts off in the late 60's and this dude Anthony is about to graduate and enlist in the Marines. Before he leaves though he ends up getting his girl Juanita pregnant so yeesh. Okay. I am bouncing all over the damn place. Let me try to explain this movie that goes from a movie about a young man making the terrible decision to join the military (I say this because I did the same thing in high school) to becoming a war movie and transforming into one of the worst heists committed to film. So Anthony lets his family know he doesn't want to go to college and they are upset. One of his friends has already been drafted and after sleeping with Juanita he tells her not to wait for him because he might not make it back.

The Review: Mo' Better Blues

Mo Better Blues 8/10

It has been about a week since I have seen this movie Mo' Better Blues and I can't quite explain exactly what its about. It starts in the late 60's in New York where this kid named Bleek is being forced to stay indoors and practice his trumpet while his disrespectful friends scream for him to come out and play. He doesn't want to play it but his mother demands his ass stay in and do it while his father is like “Just make her happy cause I wanna watch the game and she won't stop until you do.” We fast forward to Bleek now an adult man playing music with his band.

The Review: The Best Man

The Best Man 7/10

In the continuing saga of L. having me watch movies which has been dubbed Black Movies 101 I watched The Best Man last week. I had heard of this movie but didn't know nothing about it. There is a theme of seeing dudes who aren't shit and them being surrounded by friends that are assholes or seem like they wouldn't be friends with the way they talk to one another. This writer named Harper has a novel that is coming out soon. His girlfriend Robyn is super supportive of him and his goals...which means he is gonna dog her ass out. He is heading to New York City to be the best man for his friend Lance's wedding to Mia. He is picked up from the airport by his friend Murch who lets slip that Jordan (I'll get to her in a moment) got his book early and it has been letting folks read it. The novel is based on their days in college with the names changed but its obvious to everyone involved whose who. Harper is an idiot.

The Review: Devil In A Blue Dress

Devil In A Blue Dress 9/10

Not sure how I managed to never see this movie. I have read some of the books by Walter Mosley and definitely heard of Devil In A Blue Dress but never actually watched it. L. and I checked this out about a week ago and this was a damn good movie. Like, a really good one. L. likes just watching me react to movies and this movie stressed me the fuck out. This takes place in Los Angeles in 1948 and it started off in downtown LA which was cool because we were there that day or so. Looks very much the same. This dude named Easy Rawlins got laid off from his job and needs money to pay his mortgage. He is very proud of the fact that he owns a house and wants to keep it that way. His friend Joppy owns a bar and this dude named Albright shows up with a job for him. This lady named Daphne Monet is missing and her fiancé wants her to come back because he is running for mayor but is stressed she is missing so he drops out. Easy is told that she likes to hang out in Black places. Yeah...

The Review: Eve's Bayou

Eve's Bayou 9/10

This was a damn good movie! I finally saw Eve's Bayou as I continue to earn my Black Card via L. and the list of films compiled which has been dubbed Black Movies 101. I didn't know almost nothing about this except the little girl starring in it and something about a swamp. This little girl named Eve along with her older sister, little brother (who is not important to this tale), and her parents live as a happy family in the 1960's which means its science fiction. I'm kidding. Her father Louis is loved by everyone and is a doctor that pays house visits. And by house visits I mean he fucks his patients. His wife Roz takes care of the house and family and everything seems cool. During a party Eve spots her father and this lady Matty fixing to fuck. She gasps and her father plays it off. She ends up telling her older sister Cisely about it who tells her she did not see what she thinks she saw.

The Review: Poetic Justice

Poetic Justice 8/10

In another attempt for me to attain my Black Card I watched Poetic Justice. All I knew about this movie was that Tupac and Janet were in it and there was some poetry. This is about this woman named Justice who works at a hair salon and writes poetry. She also always walks around looking like someone farted. At the beginnign she is with her boyfriend at the worlds worst drive in theater. Like no one is in there car unless they fuggin'. Just fighting, playing video games, kids are on the playground. Its a lot. Markell, Justice's boyfriend, is trying to bone down in the car but she gets mad at him and then asks him to buy everything at the concession stand. He goes and some dudes see him buying snacks. He sees them and knows he is in trouble because he started some shit with them a week ago. He heads back to the car and Justice is now ready to lay it on him when suddenly he no longer has a head. So Justice big sad now.

The Review: Love Jones

Love Jones 7/10

I liked Love Jones. This is a continuing series that L. has started getting me to watch famous and well known Black movies that I managed to hear of but never see. This is about this photographer lady (a paying gig only in movies) named Nina who recently split from her fiance and this dude named Darius who does spoken word poetry that gets lady draws wet. He meets Nina right before he goes on stage and does a poem in her name. She don't want him after her last relationship ended so badly but this dude is persistent. Like, scary persistent. He spots her at his friends record store and gets her address and phone number from a check she used to pay for some CD's. He just shows up at her place. Its creepy. They go on a date and bone down but both are playing it off like its not serious to their friends. Darius is a ladies man and seems afraid to admit he likes Nina as much as he does. Oh, I forgot to mention at one point Nina starts seeing Darius' friend Hollywood who is a dick. He uses her to flaunt and rub it in Darius' face that he has her.

The Review: The Wood

The Wood 5/10

This was a weird ass movie. L. had me watch The Woods and it is the tale of a man getting married and chickening out and having to be dragged drunk, kicking, and screaming to marry a beautiful woman because he is under the impression that he and his friends can spend the rest of their lives having all the sex. It begins with the groom Roland missing. His friends Mike and Slim go hunting for him and find him drunk at an ex's place. The reminisce about how they met in junior high. Mike just moved to Inglewood from North Carolina and doesn't know things like what colors are okay to wear or even basic things like how to talk to humans. He falls for a girl named Alicia whose brother is a gang member named Stacey. One day his “friends” dare him to smack her ass for a dollar. He does. She hits him. Her brother later hits him. He gets respect.