The Review: Night Swim

Night Swim 5/10

Last weekend we started watching this movie cause there are too many streaming options and sometimes we watch something random as hell. This starts off in 1992 with this little girl sleeping in bed when the sound of a toy boat in the pool wakes her up. Her name is Rebecca. She goes to her brother's room who is on oxygen and says she is gonna go grab it for him since he had lost it. She tries fishing it out and it keeps scooting away. Eventually her ass is yanked in and still trying to get the boat. Undeterred she keeps trying until some mass pulls her under and she vanishes. 

The Review: In This Our Life

In This Our Life 7/10

Last week my lady and I went on a Warner Bros lot tour and Bette Davis kept coming up and we found this movie and checked it out. The premise sounded super simple like a woman steals her sisters man...for starters. I was like tell me more. Oh lord did they tell me more. This movie had a lot of stuff happening and from the way it began I did not expect it to end with a fiery car crash!

This is gonna sound confusing because this family got weird names and the girls have typically dude names. The father Asa used to run a company but now just works at it. He is walking home with Parry. Parry's mother works as a housekeeper for the family and he helps with driving and washing cars along with at a shop. Black people used to be too busy. So Asa comes home and his wife Lavinia is in bed and sick for no reason. She is like on those Hitchcock episodes where an old lady is just in bed but not coughing or anything. Just...unhealthy. But they always have the energy to fuss.

The Review: Five On The Black Hand Side

Five On The Black Hand Side 6/10

Last week L and I watched this movie randomly. I had vaguely heard of it but knew the phrase the title is based off of. Knew nothing about the story or anything but since it was made in 1973 I assumed I would see some titties. I was super wrong. This is the most anti-titty movie which is sad cause Miss Dubois is in this. So it starts off with this asshole husband bossing this lady around. I thought she was a maid but she had on sleepwear which I thought was odd. Turns out it is his wife who he never refers to by her name. This man has her entire day planned out for her before he heads to work. She just spends the first ten minutes of the movie looking like this.

The Review: Presence

 

Presence 8/10

Full of spoilers. L called and said she saw the first ten minutes of this on Hulu and thought I'd be interested. I was. This movie starts off with just a camera walking all around this house. Turns out that it is a ghost. The family arrives, Chris, Rebekah, and their teen children Tyler and Chloe. Whoever wrote this definitely hangs around or knows teens because they had their dialogue down. When they arrive Chloe seems to look right at the ghost who retreats to a closet. Chloe just walks around looking at the place and unknowingly being watched. They end up getting the house and while the workers are there one of them refuses to enter one of the rooms.

The Review: Novocaine

Novocaine 2/10

This movie was ass and a complete waste of the talented actors and actresses in it. This is about a guy named Nathan Caine that is an assistant bank manager that suffers from CIPA. This is when you can't feel pain. He lives his life very cautiously so much so that he sets a timer to go to the bathroom so his bladder doesn't burst because he can not feel he has to go. This is a real thing that exists in varying degrees and has been used in movies and books before. This co-worker named Sherry invites him to lunch and he works up the nerve to do it. She asks him to try some pie. He says he can't because he might bite his tongue off. He tries it. He doesn't bite his tongue off. He likes pie. He meets up for a art show with Sherry where he bumps into a guy from school who punches him back “just like old times.” Sherry pranks the guy and she and Nathan head to his place for the sex. She has cuts all over her stomach. Eeeeeverybody hurts...

Documentality: Hey Beautiful

Hey Beautiful 7/10

This week L and I watched this series on Hulu. Its in three parts and a pretty easy watch being less than an hour each. This follows three women in particular at the start that all fall for the same guy using different names. There is Annette (the thirsty one). Roxy (the old, married one). And Gaby (the German who don't learn lessons). They are totally being scammed and giving this guy between one thousand bucks to over a million. No, they have never met him. When we watch scam things online me and my lady always wonder where these people get all this money to throw away from. Like Annette who is a waitress gives like 40,000 dollars to this guy. Roxy sneaks and has this fake fling with the guy while being married for over 50 years and is bored with her husband. And Gaby who we still aren't sure if she is still married goes as far as selling her childhood home to give money to this dude.

The Review: Hellboy The Crooked Man

Hellboy The Crooked Man 0/10

This movie was ass. I have been sitting here a few minutes debating on whether to even write about this. I forgot that this was a thing that even existed and saw it on Hulu which I forget I have most of the time unless there is a series I wanna check out. This was rated R and supposed to be scary and horror filled. There are episodes of The Flash scarier than this bullshit. Hellboy is wack in this. Had zero personality and seemed ineffective at everything. He just durable. Gets his ass kicked and speared but doesn't die. Bobbie Jo who is with him doesn't follow instructions and they shoehorn a backstory for her that made me laugh at the idea of more of these being made. Please don't. Basic premise is that Hellboy and Bobbie Jo are on a train that flips and a spider they caught gets loose. They find a boy that was bewitched and madcap adventures ensue! The crooked man in this is not scary or really that powerful and dies in the shittiest way. Fuck, this was weak. Hated that last one that came out a few years back and this was somehow even worse. The effects in this were bad. The sound editing sounded like they were in a studio. They rarely sounded like they were on set with background sounds. Ugh. This movie was not made for me.

Click here for previous The Review.

The Review: House Of David

House Of David 9/10

Let me start this off by saying I don't know nothing about the bible. I know basic stuff. My lady would say that is wrong because I have timelines and everything all off. Like, with this series, House of David, I had no idea what David did other than kill Goliath with a slingshot. That is literally it. I had no idea he had a life outside of that. So, now with that information this entire series was surprising to me and had my dumb ass sitting here saying “No spoilers!” to someone who went to church all the time regarding a tale that is thousands of years old.

The Review: Daredevil Born Again

Daredevil Born Again 3/10

I have covered all the Daredevil seasons. Enjoyed season one a lot. Season two was good except anytime Elektra was on screen or ninjas. Third season made up for it. This new Disney+ version was a jambalaya of nonsense. They tricked me into having hope by making the first episode so good. They had Bullseye kill Foggy as Karen watched him bleed to death as Daredevil fought Bullseye on a rooftop. As he heard Foggy's heart stop he was like “Fuck it” and tossed Bullseye off the roof. He doesn't die though which is remarkable. This wasn't some two story building. He got tossed and landed chest first. He should at least be crippled. Nah. He alive. Goes to jail. Daredevil retires. By the way everything that I just wrote happened in the first episode.

The Review: The Wheel of Time Season 3

The Wheel Of Time Season 3 (4/10)

I am back again with another review of this show that this season managed to piss off book readers as well as fans of the show. There is also that group of people that fan-fiction the hell out of characters and want to see people fuck on screen but can't the way they imagine so they draw them. I looked at my previous reviews of this series and gave season one and season two 9/10. That for fucking sure not happening this season especially considering my favorite episode focused on one main character. Gonna do this like last season and write something about each character that I feel like writing about. This season introduced way too many new ass people and subplots and managed not to really get all that much done. And again, have not touched one of the books and don't plan to. I watch Youtube videos to find answers to questions. Get over it.

The Review: Captain America Brave New World

Captain America Brave New World 1/10

I'm not even gonna waste y'all time or mine dedicating too much of it to this movie. Thoroughly enjoyed the The Falcon & The Winter Soldier series. It was a nice tight story that had history, a beginning, middle, and ended well. This movie did not need to be made and if it did should've been in the hands of better writers, director, special effects, and acting. This movie was ass. Not a single goosebump while watching it. Nothing was amazing. The story which is a Captain America movie was somehow not about him in any way that would be useful going forward. I would not trust this dude to lead a team of heroes. This was a sequel to the old ass Hulk movie if anything and there was no need to show red Hulk in all the trailers and merchandise and try to act like it was a shock who it was when it happened. Bad villains all around in this. Everyone was a henchman that didn't deserve screen time. Bad chemistry. Jokes not funny. Just...fuck.

Click here for previous The Review.

Sitting In The Aisle: Sinners

Sinners 10/10

This is one of those movies where I want everyone to see it so I don't wanna spoil it too much but even after being out just a few days there is a lot of reviews where the title of the posts give it away. So this will have spoilers but I wont and wouldn't even be able to describe everything that happens in this incredible movie. Sinners is one of those movies that gives me feelings that I get from watching a movie every few years. One of those movies that makes me think “I'm glad a theater is a thing.” My lady already wants to watch it again and so do I in one of them big ass IMAX theaters.

Before seeing this I had seen a trailer and thought it was a movie about a bunch of people fighting vampires in a bar. I also thought this would easily have been a Jonathan Majors movie. I was wrong about each of these because Michael B. Jordan was prefect in this and it does not take place in a church...but it does start and end in one. Young Sammie aka Preacher's Boy walks into his father's church covered in scars and blood with his father telling him to put the guitar (which is smashed to shit) down. Then we go back a day or so to meet twins Elijah and Elias aka Smoke and Stack. I shit you not, I forgot their actual names. They plan on using money they got from Chicago to open up a juke joint. They purchase the property from a racist ass dude named Hogwood.

The Review: Wicked

Wicked 5/10

A few weeks ago my lady and I watched this movie. We watched the first hour and a half and then finished the last hour a week later. I have read the book for this story (as well as the terrible sequel) and the play years ago at The Pantages. I enjoyed the book so much and the live show. This? Not so much. Know why? There is so much singing! I know its a musical. I'm not stupid. The problem is that I didn't like any of the songs or the way the ones I did know were performed. With that being said and now known it explains why I gave this such a low score. Wasn't a huge fan of the acting either. The was a story where I was being distracted by singing. Let me talk about the actual movie.

The Review: Y2K

Y2K 1/10

Last weekend I was just scrolling through Max and say this movie and decided to check it out. Its one of those movies with random people I knew from other movies and shows and one of the actresses is in that Snow White movie everyone is shitting on. I can't tell if this movie wanted to be scary, funny, heartfelt, or action packed. It failed at every one of those aspects. This movie was not funny at all, never scary, the gore was cheap looking, and the story was weak.

The Review: Murder My Sweet

Murder, My Sweet 8/10

The second movie that my lady and I watched at Noir City was Murder, My Sweet. This was a good ass movie and inspired so many films and things I have seen in cartoons and comedies. They did some camera tricks that are very common and can be done on your phone or computer but back when this was made was brand new technology that had to be created. It starts at the end with you wondering how he got here. He being private detective Philip Marlowe. Marlowe is being interviewed with bandages over his eyes by the police about what we're about to watch.