The Review: Soul

Soul 5/10

A lot of people have been raving about this movie Soul and how good it made them feel. I was not a big fan of the movie. It looked nice. Had good music. But I wasn't moved by the story whatsoever. This music teacher named Joe Gardner has dreams of being a great musician for a living. He is offered a teaching job but gets a great gig playing piano and ends up falling into a manhole and dying. I guess. I'm not quite sure honestly. Like, he isn't bruised or anything but is on an escalator to the Great Beyond and hops off saying he has to get back for this performance. Wait. He's in a coma. That's fucked up that he is moving on from a coma. He meets these soul counselors and he pretends to be an instructor and gets the task of finding a “spark” for someone named 22. 22 has chased away some of the greatest people in history with her behavior.

Casting Slouch: Fantastic Four

Marvel Studios now has control of the next Fantastic Four movie and I am excited about this. It is going to be directed by Jon Watts who directed the latest Spider-Man movies which have both been incredible. I have seen every movie made about these characters and sadly (and oddly) the one that came closest to feeling sincere to the characters was the oldest Roger Corman film made in 1994. Its all over the internet if you wanna watch it. Its hilarious. With the movies made in 2005 and 2007 they didn't for a moment feel like a team let alone a family. The 2015 I liked though it had a lot of issues had the same problem. They have always been portrayed as people that wouldn't want to be around one another let alone work together.

I would want these movies to focus on their relationships first and their powers second. I mean their relationship with their main villain Doctor Doom as well. No rush to have him in a mask immediately. I am gonna write about each of these characters and how I would have them portrayed in the new films. This is not going to start off already in the MCU because it would make no sense considering all the shit that has happened and they haven't been seen. I also don't want them to be a brand new team. Spider-Man spared us seeing Uncle Ben shot for the tenth time and we don't need to see these people shoot off into space and get radiated. You will also notice I want people in their damn 30's.

The Review: Raised By Wolves

Raised By Wolves 9/10

Spoilers! How would I even begin to try and explain what Raised By Wolves is? I started watching it months ago with CK and stopped for a few weeks thinking I was almost done. It was only four episodes. I don't mean that in a bad way. The show isn't slow. Its methodical and if you are looking for constant action this is not for you. This is about these two androids named Mother and Father that land on a planet called Kepler-22b because humans have fucked up the planet fighting over religion. They have a batch of kids that Mother has to birth so that they can start the race all over again. As atheists. That's the most important part. So they start raising all these kids and one ends up falling in a hole and the rest start dying mysteriously except for one of them. I was like “This lady robot is killing the fuck out these kids!”

The Review: The Mandalorian Season 2

The Mandalorian Season Two 10/10

I fucking love this show. This will be full of random spoilers. By now everyone knows that I did not grow up as a fan of Star Wars (click here for my first season review full of links) and just within the last month of so watched the latest of the newer films. I know little random things about the universe from YouTube videos that explain stuff which came in helpful for this season since it touches on a lot of stuff that comes from animated shows I didn't watch. I'm kind of glad because while watching this show I didn't have any preconceived ideas of what I thought should or even could happen so everything was a surprise to me.

The Review: Wonder Woman 1984

Wonder Woman 1984 (0/10)

Operation Wolf was not out in 1984! Just had to get that out of the way. This is gonna be full of spoilers but not really since the trailer shows everything that is supposed to be cool or wow you. There is nothing good about this Wonder Woman 1984 movie. There was nothing that gave me goosebumps. There was nothing that made me laugh or feel anything. This movie was so not for me and I'm a huge fan of Wonder Woman as a character. I had the same problem with this movie when I first saw the trailer that I did with the first movie (click here for that review) in that since they both take place in the past I already know that no matter what happens she will be fine.

The Review: Underwater (2020)

Underwater 1/10

What the fuck was this? They didn't even bother to try and make a title. Today I watched this movie called Underwater. I heard of it earlier this year and watched the trailer but didn't really have a desire to watch it. But I was in between working on Perler beads so I figured I would check this out. It was trash. What makes me dislike this more than usual is the fact that by looking at it you can tell that actual effort was put into this. The special effects look great. The water, the explosions, and set. The way the suits look. All great. But the story is 99 Cent Store toilet paper thin. The characters have zero development and they try to squeeze some in as they are running from water and these sea creatures. They were drilling underwater and woke up some ancient shit. When the movie was ending I was like “Is this for real?” Then I saw how much it made compared to how much it cost and nodded because it made perfect sense. This movie wasn't scary. There was no suspense. Everyone was the character that dies in a movie. 2020 has been a shit year for movies.

Kristen Stewart as Norah Price

Vincent Cassel as W. Lucien

Mamoudou Athie as Rodrigo Nagenda

T.J. Miller as Paul Abel

John Gallagher Jr. as Liam Smith

Jessica Henwick as Emily Haversham

Gunner Wright as Lee Miller

Click here for previous The Review.

The Review: Lovecraft Country Season 1

Lovecraft Country 9/10

Full of spoilers! After months of not watching and some sad ass attempts at trying to recap this series episode by episode I have finally finished Lovecraft Country. This is one of the best series I have ever watched. I'm not even worried about hyping it too much because if you don't like this show something is wrong with you. Yeah. I said it. If you can't get into a show that has magic, time travel, ghosts, history lessons, monsters, science, and teaching you how not to be a racist asshole then I don't even wanna talk to you. Matter of fact, get out my face! This show was so damned good. So why didn't I give it a 10/10? I'll get to that.

Documentality: Murder On Middle Beach

Murder On Middle Beach 8/10

Spoilers. I guess. Over the last few days I have watched this four episode docu-series called Murder On Middle Beach. I don't watch much crime stuff but I do tend to get caught up in the wave of a popular one like Tiger King or Wild Wild Country. This one I haven't heard many people talking about and am waiting for folks to catch up so we can discuss it. Also, while watching anything real life crime related I will point my accusatory finger at anyone. At different points I had three main suspects. Was I right? Likely not. No one knows. That's the kicker of this whole thing. Watching these also makes me realize how few family photos in my own family exist and the fact that there are zero family videos.

Dante Watches Crawlspace (1972)

Crawlspace 5/10

I watched this crazy ass movie called Crawlspace that was made in 1972. It is about this old couple that find a dude living in their walls and decide to take care of him...until they don't...then they do again. I talked way too much shit while watching this movie. 

Tom Happer as Richard Roy Atlee

Arthur Kennedy as Albert Graves

Teresa Wright as Alice Graves

Eugene Roche as Sheriff Emil Birge

Matthew Cowles as Dave Freeman

Click here for previous Dante Watches.

The Review: London Mitchell's Christmas

London Mitchell's Christmas 0/10

Next on the list of holiday movies was this hot pile of ass called London Mitchell's Christmas. This movie gave me a headache and made me mad. Even describing the movie to folks gives me a headache. It was so fucking bad. One good thing was that the cameras were better than the ones in A Christmas To Remember. That's about it. So this is about an asshole that gets prostate cancer and everyone he treats like shit feels bad for him. He is dating a woman and as soon as she walks through the door he shoves vodka down her throat so he can tell her they need to chill and breakup. Why? Because he fucking someone else.

The Review: A Christmas To Remember

A Christmas To Remember 2/10

Camille called me yesterday because she had found some Christmas gold. She watches holiday movies every year and found I'll Be Homeless For Christmas a couple of years ago and it was one of the worst/best movies I had ever seen in my life. I seriously hurt from laughing. This was not one of those movies but was funny for all the wrong reasons. I will try and describe the plot for this batch of nonsense. If you wanna see what this movie looks like do a Google image search and see how few images it has and the ones that exist are mad terrible. Also, if you ever wanna know if a movie is bad look at the poster. Nothing but stills from the film cropped in.

A mother who has a bunch of terrible kids and a father who has his own terrible kids plan to get engaged. The mother's daughter and the father's son call their siblings and lie saying their respective parents are sick and dying and they all need to come home. The kids are all fucked up in different ways. Some are gay and hiding it and get outed by a child. One daughter is a stripper in an abusive relationship and has kids. Another has a White boyfriend she hides. Another used to be on drugs and lost his family. The rest are just generally worthless and uninteresting. So they get home and the families hate one another for whatever reason.