Theater Whore: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

So I decided to watch Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Its the story of our 16th president having a secret life where he bakes cakes. Or hunts vampires. So that happened. It starts with him as a child stopping a guy from beating this Black kids ass. Lincoln's dad locks eyes with this evil bastard and its over. That is until later on when a vampire bites Lincoln's mother while she sleeps.

Later Lincoln is getting shitfaced at a bar when a guy named Henry who can see that Lincoln is either drinking because of a woman or he's gonna kill someone. Lincoln tries to kill the guy who made his mother ill and the dick's a vampire. Lincoln ends up shooting him in the eye thinking he's dead but the guy vanishes when his back is turned. Henry trains Lincoln in the ways of vampire hunting. Which includes getting mad at life so hard that you can make a tree fucking explode because fuck nature.

DVDiculous: The FP

“The darkness has come. Goddamn drunks going straight edge on the streets. Resortin’ to meth an’ shit. And now with no drunks there ain’t no bums. And without no bums there ain’t no motherfuckers to feed the ducks at the park. What’s a fucking town with no ducks, J-Tro? It’s nothin’! It ain’t nothin’! How’s a ni**a supposed to sort his shit out with no ducks?!”

With lines like that you have to realize from the start that The FP, short for Frazier Park where this film takes place, is ridiculous. I don’t mean that in a bad way. To call this bad would be to call movies like The Last Dragon, Big Trouble In Little China, or RoboCop bad. I knew what I was getting into after watching the trailer a few months ago. To get mad that this was silly as all fuck would be stupid of me.

In a future where people dress like a combination of Road Warriors, 80’s rappers, 80’s New Wave, and dirt people. It starts with BTRO being challenge to a dance contest by L Dubba E. Its not a normal dance contest. Its on a Beat Beat Revolution game. Lives are lost playing this game. And that’s what happens. BTRO dies in the arms of his brother JTRO. Dejected, JTRO swears to never play the game again and goes and becomes a logger.

Ross Radio Show 116

I attempt to get the world pregnant again by playing Delegation Oh Honey, Smokey Robinson Cruisin‘, Luther Vandross Love Won‘t Let Me Wait, Bobby Womack If You Think You're Lonely Now, The O’Jays Stairway To Heaven, Shalamar This Is For The Lover In You, Barry White Al B Sure El DeBarge James Ingram The Secret Garden, Cameo Sparkle, Michael Jackson Butterflies, and The Floaters Float On. Click here to listen to and download past Ross Radio Shows.

DVDiculous: Juan Of The Dead

“It could be worse.”


“How?”


(power goes out)


“Fuck your mother’s heart.”

I have been waiting for a while to see this movie. I had heard of Juan Of The Dead and saw the trailer and laughed my ass off. I finally got to watch it tonight and was not disappointed. This was a cool ass flick. It starts off with Juan and his friend Lazaro floating in a raft fishing and talking about life in Cuba when a guy pops out the water that they’ve caught on a hook. Lazaro ends up killing him with a harpoon. That damned harpoon comes back to haunt Juan many times later.

Damn you, AmWay!

Juan is a crook of sorts. And a thief. And a manwhore. His friend Lazaro is way worse. So as they go about their business they start to notice that more and more crimes are being committed. At a community watch meeting a large guy attacks people. Juan is like “Fuck this” and they leave. Juan is joined by La China, pronounced like Gina, El Primo who is a large son of a bitch, and Lazaro’s son Vladi California.

Ross Radio Show 115

In this beat heavy episode I play some Taana Gardner Heartbeat, Freestyle Don’t Stop The Rock, Nolan Thomas Yo Little Brother, Man Parrish & Freeze Force Boogie Down Bronx, Herbie Hancock Rock It, and Gap Band Early In The Morning. Click here to download this and more Ross Radio Shows.

DVDiculous: Dragon Eyes

I was trolling Youtube earlier tonight and saw that there was this movie called Dragon Eyes starring Cung Le who is one of the most entertaining MMA fighters, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Peter Weller aka Robocop. After watching the trailer I was like “I am compelled to watch this.” This is one of those films that make me miss 80’s action movies. Just a straight forward story and brutal fights. My god the fights were brutal. The director, John Hyams, is obviously a huge fan of Guy Ritchie.

Ryan Hong (three guesses who is playing him) is in prison just minding his business. He ends up getting his ass kicked for no damned reason when suddenly JCVD aka Tiano comes out of left field, whips this dudes ass, and walks back to the fence like nothing happened. He and Hong are cellmates and Tiano starts training Hong to fight. His training is hard as hell but it pays off.

Theater Whore: Prometheus

“I watched your dreams.”

And so enters David the robot from the movie Prometheus as the creepiest bastard on film in years. I am not a Ridley Scott nut. I loved Aliens and wasn’t a huge fan of the other films. I know people really love Alien but I thought the sequel was better. So all I wanted from this movie based on the trailer was just a bunch of explosions and Charlize Theron to be hot alongside Noomi Rapace. Yes, they were hot but there wasn’t the amount of action I was expecting.

The movie starts with this buff ass alien called Engineers killing himself and sprinkling the planet with his man juice. Later or something the archeologist couple Elizabeth Shaw and her man Charlie Holloway found a stone that they’ve seen around the world and figure it’s a map. So Peter Weyland who founded Weyland Corporation played by Guy Pearce who specializes in evil shit funds a trip for them because he’s old and death is not something he wants to be a part of. So the crew boards the ship named Prometheus and head to LV-223.

Jaqen H'ghar Is Awesome!

Finally finished watching Game Of Thrones the other day and I love the show. Except for the dragon girl. She sucks. How can you make someone that owns a dragon uninteresting? Easy. Have the little blond girl that seems like an angry teen who cant have her way as the one who controls them. Seriously, its dragons. Its close to impossible to fuck that up.

Theater Whore: Moonrise Kingdom

Earlier today young Alex asked me if I had heard of a movie called Moonrise Kingdom. I had not and he told me to watch the trailer. I wrote him back that it looked painfully Wes Anderson like which made sense because it was directed by him. So we headed to The Arclight and watched the movie. We were supposed to see it at 7:45 and the damned thing sold out while we were waiting in line. So we caught it an hour later, killed time at Amoeba, and saw it. Oh, and Jeff Goldblum was there. Not in the movie. The theater.

The movie takes place in 1965 where this kid named Sam Shakusky played by Jared Gilman runs away from his scout troop run by Edward Norton as Scout Master Randy Ward. Meanwhile a young girl Suzy Bishop played by Kara Hayward runs away from her home and family where her parents are Bill Murray and Frances McDormand. They believe she has issues. Both kids do have issues. At one point Suzy stabs a kid and Sam has anger issues and sets fires.

Theater Whore: Snow White And The Huntsman

While watching Snow White And The Huntsman I remembered a line from Clerks where the character Jay says “What good is a pretty plate with nothing on it?” That is the perfect definition of this film. Mr. Soot warned me that this movie felt very long and my god he was right. This movie runs almost two and a half hours and it felt twice that amount. Just so damned dull. Maybe watching so much Game Of Thrones has made me expect more out of people who wear armor and talk funny.

Fappity fap.

Kristen Stewart is Snow White and her mother prayed for a beautiful child and got her. Seems like a pretty shitty deal if you ask me. Her mom dies before she looks miserable all the time so that’s fine. Her dad fights against this army that breaks into glass when you hit them and they find this hot broad named Ravenna in a wagon. The next day the king marries her and is poisoned and stabbed through the heart before he can even bone her.