Stop It Chris Brown

Chris Brown is a messy bitch. He recently inserted himself into a discussion that was happening online. It is not lost on me that I am now inserting myself. Shut up using logic at me. While on Twitter I saw a hashtag that was Kehlani Parrish that kept popping up. I had no idea what a Kehlani was. As far as I know she is a performer of songs. I guess. The fast version is that she is dating an NBA player named Kyrie Irving and she posted an image that seemed to show that she was cheating with some other human named Party Next Door. The internet lost its collective shit on her.

Fast forward to the next day and the new hashtag of #PrayForKehlani shows up. I was like "The hell happened when I went to sleep?!" Turns out that Kehlani decided to take her life over being so distraught. "I am severely utterly in love with my first love [Party Next Door]. Went thru a bad breakup and ended up easing into a relationship with a man who was one of my best friend [Irving]. Tho we realized we both weren't exactly at a time where we were prepared to do so. No, I'm not a cheater...I'm a believer in following your heart and not lying to yourself."

The Review: Daredevil Season Two

Daredevil Season Two 5/10

There will be a lot of spoilers. I finally got around to finishing season two of the Netflix series Daredevil. That entire first sentence explains how I felt abut the show seeing as how I plowed through the first season in a day and a half. The cast from the first season return as well as some new ones. This season The Punisher is wreaking havoc in Hell's Kitchen while someone from Matt Murdock's past returns to have a reason for a shit ton of ninjas to appear.

I really liked Jon Bernthal as The Punisher Frank Castle. I have written in the past wondering who the best Punisher was in film and this guy tops all of them. They covered his story great ranging from him seeming like a damned psychopath to him seeming like a hero to some people because unlike daredevil he doesn't punch people hard and have them back on the streets. He kills their asses and they never come back. 

D And J DJ's Episode 3

In this episode Jasmine and I decided to do something different: actually show the videos that we are reacting to. We watch 2 Chainz Watch Out and Birthday Song (for a moment), Puff Daddy Finna Get Loose which I didn't know existed, Missy Elliot WTF, and the horror of R. Kelly's The Poem. Click here to check out previous episodes. 

The Review: Battle Los Angeles (old review)

"I’d rather be in Afghanistan."

So would I after watching this film. Who are you people that like this film and keep it in the top ten? I love films full of explosions. I love films full of violence. Aliens? Yes, please! But this film, though having all of the above, lacks one thing I need no matter what the film is. No, not a story (seeing as how Hudson Hawk is one of my favorite films).

People I care about.

Battle Los Angeles was directed by Jonathan Liebesman whose biggest claim to fame was Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. It has a very basic premise. Aliens show up, start blowing shit up, and the Marines fight back. That’s it. 

The Review: Kick Ass (old review)

Kick Ass ruled on so many levels. I never read the comic book so I don’t have the normal nerd complaints like most fan boys do (“What happened to the psychic octopus?!” they cried as they watched The Watchmen). I just knew the basic premise. Kid wonders why there are no superheroes and decides to become one with terrible results.

This movie stars Aaron Johnson as Kick Ass, Christopher Mintz Plasse as Red Mist, Chloe Moretz as Hit Girl, and Nicholas Cage as Big Daddy. One day Dave Lizewski asks his friends why the are thousands of people that want to be Paris Hilton but no one wants to be a superhero? “Because you’d get killed in like a day” his friend responds. This does not stop him from going out and fighting crime. Or getting his ass whipped more like it. Big Daddy and his daughter Hit Girl are professionals at what they do and decide to take Kick Ass under their wings. Red Mist joins later with an awesome ass car that shoots “mist” and arguably the best costume.

The Review: The A Team (old review)

Okay, I did it. I finally saw the A-Team film. This was after weeks of saying fuck you to the director Joe Carnahan for even touching something that was so dear to me. I’m 31. I have sat by while watching my childhood memories be physically assaulted and stayed silent…kinda. If you listen to my podcast you know I’ve been bitching about remakes for quite some time (Transformers, the upcoming Smurfs).

To answer your question, yes, I was very drunk when I saw this film. Sorry. When I saw this movie. Rumble Fish, Apocalypse Now, and Goodfellas are films. This was a movie in every sense of the word. If you took your chick to see this she’d likely be very pissed because A Team is the definition of a guy flick. The credits don’t even end until almost twenty minutes into the damned thing!

The Review: Hot Tub Time Machine (old review)

Okay, now I know a lot of people shit on this movie for the title alone. But I’m one of those people where if you have something that sounds goofy enough I will check it out. Hot Tub Time Machine is one of those kinda movies. Now to let everyone know, when this movie was billed as the next hangover I was hesitant. I’m that one guy that didn’t like The Hangover. At all. I chuckled at one scene and that was it. But I figured I’d give this one a shot.

This movie stars John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, and Clark Duke. Cusack comes home to find his wife has left him with nothing. Literally. His nephew played by Duke lives in his basement playing video games about prison. Corrdry almost kills himself drunk driving. Not actually while driving but check it out and you’ll see why it’s the dumbest and funniest ways to almost die. And Robinson works at a pet boutique pulling objects out of dogs asses and helping them lose weight.

The Review: Book Of Eli (old review)

Sometimes you see a movie that makes you feel religious. Sometimes you see a movie and it makes you want to whoop some ass. How often do you get both at the same time? Allow me to introduce you to The Book Of Eli starring Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, and Mila Kunis and directed by The Hughes Brothers of Menace 2 Society and Dead Presidents fame.

The Book Of Eli is a story set in a future where something terrible happened leaving the entire planet scorched. The exact year is never stated but when a certain disco song is played and listened to like its an oldie (I’m talking old oldie) you figure it has to be quite a ways away from now.

We follow Eli as he heads “west”. That’s all he will say. He comes across crazed bikers, cannibals, and a crooked man, Gary Oldman as Carnegie, that runs a small town with weapons, fear, and the knowledge that he’s the only person that can read. After Eli wanders into his town where he invited to stay the night he meets Solara played by a filthy yet very hot Mila Kunas who we know from That 70’s Show and Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

The Review: Armored (old review)

This movie kicks ass. Plain and simple. If you want to see violence, suspense, and general ass kicking this I the movie for you. I wasn’t all that excited about seeing this movie at first. “Stealing money. Trouble starts. Fighting amongst the group. Been there. Seen that.” Oh, how wrong I was. I really need to stop going to movies based on trailers.

Armored starts off with a new guy played by Columbus Short joining the armored truck service. His dad worked at the same place once so all the guys treat him like family. They even stage a fake hold up to haze him in. It was rather fucked up but it showed how he would handle a stressful situation.

Things go downhill when one day Matt Dillon tells the new guy about a plan to steal $42 million from the next delivery. New guy doesn’t want to do it. He’s new. He’s a war hero. He just wants to make an honest living and take care of his younger brother. He caves in. He’s in debt. He’d be stupid to not take that much money. Right? I mean, in that situation who wouldn’t take it? You don’t know the guys he’s rolling with.

The Review: Wolfman (old review)

Wow, Wolfman. I have wanted to see this movie for months. I remember when I first saw the trailer I was like “Anthony Hopkins? Benecio Del Toro? I am so there!” So when I finally got to see it I had high expectations. I normally try and quell such things but in this case I couldn’t. I love both of these actors and was excited to see them together. Imagine my disappointment as I sat and watched 90 minutes of one of the most unoriginal stories I have ever seen. Even if you have not seen this film you already know the ending. It was more predictable than Titanic.

It stars as I mentioned Benecio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins as a father and son. Yeah. Let’s ignore that part. Del Toro’s character, Lawrence Talbot, comes home after receiving a letter from his brother’s lady that he is missing. He gets there to find out that his brother is no longer missing, but dead. Torn to shreds by either a madman or a beast.

The Review: Bad Lieutenant (old review)

Wow. I have seen some stinkers in my time. But Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans has to take the biggest slice of the cake. This film stars Nicholas Cage, Eva Mendes, Val Kilmer, Xzibit, Fairuza Balk and Jennifer Coolidge. Now, this is one of those deals where it’s a remake of an older film but not being called one since they veer so much off the mark of the original.

This story centers around Cage’s life as a cop with a back injury that leads to an addiction to pain killers. He sleeps with a hooker, Mendes, who rolls customers for their drugs. Apparently in New Orleans everyone you stick up has coke on them. Who knew?! Meanwhile there’s an investigation to a murdered family which brings us to Xzibit who is being represented by Colonel Sanders, I shit you not. Val Kilmer plays a dirty cop but he isn’t close to as dirty as Cage is. Fairuza plays a cop that used to work with Cage but is in the movie for perhaps two minutes. But, man. Those two minutes almost made up for how bad this movie is.

The Review: Brooklyn's Finest (old review)

I say damn! Finally got around to seeing Brooklyn's Finest and may I say this is one of the best movies I have ever seen? Yeah, I’m gonna get that out of the way right now. I marked hard for this movie. Let me tell you why.

It wasn’t the fact that it was not a CGI fest. It was not the fact that it was directed by Antoine Fuqua the same guy that directed one of my other favorite films Training Day. It was not the fact that Richard Gere, Ethan Hawke, Don Cheadle, Lili Tyler, Wesley Snipes, and Michael K. Williams are in it. It’s the fact that they took a lot of stars and gave them all great parts.

Now, I know that sounds rather goofy. But don’t forget we love in a world where films like Valentine’s Day has an assload of stars in it but manages to stink. This shit right here? This shit right here?! This was an amazing film. Now let me get off my knees, wipe my lips, and take my whores bath and explain what Brooklyn’s Finest is about.

The Review: Powers

Powers 1/10

I finally checked out the Playstation series Powers. I had written about it a couple of years ago (click here to read that) before I'd seen it. I said that I would give it a try and this morning I felt like punishing myself so I checked it out. It is far worse than I thought it was going to be. They couldn't get anything right except the fact that a camera was able to record people attempting to act. Three episodes in I had to tap out because I could not continue. There are some shows that have a slow start but get better. This one made me progressively annoyed.

"Set in a world where humans and superheroes (called "powers") co-exist, a former power now homicide detective, Christian Walker, had his own powers taken from him. Along with his partner Deena Pilgrim they work in a special homicide division called Powers, which investigates crimes involving superhumans."

The Review: Fortitude

Fortitude 9/10

Camille told me to watch this series on Amazon that came out last year called Fortitude. I asked what it is about. She refused to tell me. So yesterday I decided to check it out and ended up finishing it today. So yeah, it was a good series. The fact that it came out in January of last year is nuts! I don't even want to say too much about it because I don't want to ruin it for anyone that may check it out. I'll give a little bit of information though.

The Review: Tangerine

I finally got around to watching Tangerine a couple of days ago. Camille had mentioned this after seeing it in theaters and bought it on Blu-Ray and let me borrow it. My cousin Jasmine caught it on Netflix. This was a damned good crazy movie. Shot completely on iPhone it proves that you can do quite a bit with very little. I know in reviews it tends to focus more on how it was filmed and where but don't mention the story very much. It stars Kitana Kiki Rodriguez as Sin-Dee Rella and Mya Taylor as Alexandra. They are transgender prostitutes on Santa Monica and Highland and as a resident of WeHo for about 18 years I thought “Well, that sounds about right.”

The Review: Steve Jobs

I finally got a chance to check out the movie Steve Jobs. I have to say that I enjoyed it very much and if I'd watched it before writing my favorite movies of the year and recording the Chocket Awards (click here to check that out!) I would have added this to some of my categories. This stars Michael Fassbender as Jobs and Kate Winslet as Joanna Hoffman. This movie was so damned enjoyable and seemed to fly by as I watched it as his career through clever use of flashbacks show his career helping build the first Apple computer in a garage to being a multimillionaire.

It starts out in 1984 with Jobs harassing an employee over the computer not welcoming the audience with a hello and threatening to embarrass him in front of everyone. They end up finagling a way to make it work. Jobs is also upset about a Time article not being about him but a computer. Not his computer but a random one. His marketing executive Hoffman tries her best to deal with his tantrums, self destructive behavior. Also the fact that he has a young daughter named Lisa that he denies is even his and the mother that wants to be supported by him.