Theater Whore: Underworld Awakening

I have to admit that I’ve never seen an Underworld film before. So while watching Underworld: Awakening I only knew to expect a few things from the trailers from the three previous films: shiny clothes, slow motion, and the main character posing every single time she landed on the ground. I was not disappointed. After watching this Zack Snyder should feel better about the complaints people had about the use of slow motion in his films.

This is all the nudity you get besides shadowy wolf cock.

This review wont make much sense since I have never seen the other films, but I don’t feel like I’m missing all that much. Kate Beckinsale’s character named Selena wakes up in a lab. Apparently she’s been frozen for like 12 years and being experimented on the whole time. After killing a shit ton of people she escapes looking fabulous the whole time.

"Seven days..."

She ends up finding out that her daughter who is a hybrid of a werewolf and vampire is alive and, like, fucking super bionic. She meets this other vampire dude named David and they save the girl from other werewolves, which seem to be far too many, and they hide with some old ass vampires. In a few hours the place is overrun with werewolves and one that is the size of a small house. He whips Selena’s ass and the old vampire leader gives the little girl to them like “My son is dead, lots of us just got killed, so fuck it.”

Street cleaning in the future fucking rules!

Selena brings his son back to life with her magical powers. Maybe they explain it in the other films. Who knows? Meanwhile this detective played by that Black dude with green eyes that used to be popular until he kept getting arrested for doing drugs and shit is helping behind the scenes. The find the scientist who was running all the experiments and it turns out that all his employees are werewolves.

That's a huuuge bitch!!!

After a lengthy battle (meaning it ran about ten minutes longer than it needed to be) Selena and super werewolf go at it. Turns out he’s the scientists’ son. She blows his dumb ass up by sticking a grenade full of silver specks into his stomach. I don’t know the actor who played him but he looked like Chris Martin from Coldplay. Black cop dude gets thrown around like a effeminate male in prison but survives. David who was brought from the dead deux ex machina’s his way onto the scene just in time to help. The little girl goes bananas and kill evil scientist man. Meanwhile her dad who was frozen escapes. Happy ending!

Awesome guns that hit the target once for every ninety shots.

I know that people like these movies for some reason. There’s lots of blood, violence, and a chick wearing an outfit that looks like she was poured into it. I didn’t like it all that much. It seemed like a cheap ass version of Resident Evil which seemed like a cheap ass version of…I don’t even know. This movie ends in a way that sets up for a sequel. Have fun because I sure as hell wont be watching!

Glub glub glub...

Okay, one more thing before I go! If you lock someone in the lab for a little over a decade...why would you leave their clothes and boats a few feet away from where they are being kept? In case they got cold? That shit made absolutely no sense and was done to keep her not naked. Shame on you.