Singer Seal and his model wife Heidi Klum are getting a divorce. The term “irreconcilable differences” can mean anything from “not enough time together” to “she got a good look at him.”
Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has paid off a hotel employee who he raped for an undisclosed amount. How much does it cost to pay off a rape case? “$500,000?” “Oh, the anguish!” “$1,000,000?” “Such great trauma! Oh, the pain of it all!” “$2,000,000...?” “All better now!”
Marc Anthony and his 24 year old girlfriend got matching tattoos. Dumbass. Oh, and his 17 year old daughter was there for all the fun. Guess his kid and girlfriend hang out and are totally, like, BFF’s! How the hell can you date someone 7 years older than your kid?!
Singer Etta James passed away this week. Beyonce tweeted about how great she was and Etta James said “Shut up, you!” Which was weird because she was already dead.
Heather Locklear refuses to check into rehab. I refuse to figure out why she needs to go.
Halle Berry’s stalker got just over a year in jail, five years probation, and an extended restraining order. Yeah. That’ll work.
Miley Cyrus spent $50,000 to lose fifteen pounds for her Hawaii vacation. “Its her money!” Society shouts. “Kiss my gooch!” I reply.
Some model chick named Lauren Scruggs was recently released from the hospital after losing an eye and her left hand after walking into an airplane propeller. Every news channel is making sure to use images that focus on her eye that is gone.
Singer (?) Rihanna was seen out once again in a bikini. Which is good because that means she isn’t trying to sing.
Zoe Saldana helped some old lady that crashed her car. I saw the old lady and my reaction was “She shouldn’t be behind the wheel of fortune let alone a vehicle!” Because I’m a dick.
Kenny G and his wife have also filed for divorce due to…oh, who cares?
Extreme snowboarder Sarah Burke died because of the first two words in this sentence.
And for no reason Gina Carano!
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