Straight To DVD Hell: American Psycho 2 & S. Darko

When I used to go to the video store, you know those places that let you rent movies where humans handed you movies temporarily for money, I would see movies and just bust up laughing. These were the direct to DVD movies. Films so bad that they didn’t dare put them in theaters. I will start making lists of these terrible ass films that I flat out refuse to watch just because of the box covers.

American Psycho 2. “The film starts with a twelve-year-old Rachael Newman, whose babysitter is on a date with serial killer Patrick Bateman. As Bateman begins to dissect her babysitter, Rachael breaks out of the duct tape binding her hands and stabs him with an ice pick, which then shows up periodically through the rest of the film. Fast forward to the present day and Rachael is now a college student studying criminology under Professor Starkman, a former FBI agent.”

I almost accidentally rented this nonsense. I knew that there was never a second book written so it was weird that there was a sequel. This stars Mila Kunis and Will Shatner. This was back when she wasn’t making that Black Swan money and he…there’s absolutely no fucking excuse for The Shat to have filmed this unless they promised him a sex scene with her. God, I hope there’s no sex scene. You have to love that she kills with an ice pick yet she has a goddamn scythe on the box cover. The first movie was amazing and they could have shit this movie out without attempting to ruin the original.

S. Darko. “In 1995, Samantha Darko follows her best friend Corey on a road trip from Virginia to California, in an attempt to become professional dancers. Their dreams are cut short when their car breaks down in a tiny Utah town. They are saved by the town bad boy, Randy, who takes them to the local motel where they meet the conspiracy-loving owner. He tells them of a boy that went missing. Samantha starts sleepwalking. A future version of her meets Justin at the windmill and tells him that the world will end; however, Justin knows this already.”

This one bothers me because they took something so beautiful, which is the original Donnie Darko film, and just laid a giant fat turd on it by trying to make this crappy ass film. When I first heard it was being done I laughed. Then I watched the trailer and got pissed. Besides having a strange plot, using Frank the Rabbit, and the little girl from the first movie, no one else involved wanted a piece of this. People started a campaign to make sure this wasn’t made but it didn’t work. What did work was that no one saw this and it cost $4 million. Just half a million less than the good version.