Earn Hollywood Earn

I keep on hearing and reading about how movies are making less money. They blame the internet, the economy, and high ticket prices. I see this nonsense and all I can ask myself is “What about the shitty films?” This seems to be an aspect that hundreds of Hollywood people don’t seem to ask. At least not out loud.

I look through the top 100 films and tilt my head like a dog that heard a whistle. Besides the movies I’ve seen, the ones I will never see, and the ones that are too small to play anywhere near me, lie the ones that I am just flat out against all my personal beliefs against.

I’m not into CGI fuckfests. What is a “CGI fuckfest”? Avatar. Tin Tin. You know. That. I’m not a huge fan of CGI films and it takes something amazing for me to go and see one. You can tell me how beautiful it is, how great the look is, and how real it looks. You know what you didn’t say?

How good the story was.

I know that I fight a losing battle in terms of CGI films, 3D films, and sequels that people will see no matter how terrible they are. People just have to get the fuck out of the house every once in a while. If they don’t, there’s all the options available online that stream through your television.

As of this writing (January 19th, 2012) the top five films in theaters are Contraband, Beauty & The Beast, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, Joyful Noise, and Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows in that order. I’ve seen three of these five films.

Contraband has earned 24 of the 25 million it cost. Terrible film. I saw Beauty & The Beast when I was in junior high…but now its in 3D. Mission Impossible was cool. I have no desire to see Joyful Noise whatsoever, and Sherlock Holmes will be watched eventually. I don’t know what having these as the highest grossing films have to do with anything besides the fact that we obviously have more money than we know what to spend with. So there goes the economy being the blame.

Most of my friends have great taste in films. Most. I’ve been accused of liking terrible films, and I’ll admit that some of my choices are questionable at best. But I can tell you why I see what I see and enjoy what I enjoy. Some folks just go to a movie because its there.

When things that used to entertain me get bad I do it myself. Wrestling bad? Created Living Room Wrestling. Bad TV? Created my own Doom Mates series. Radio sucks? I created The Ross Radio. Nothing to read? Write my own shit. Comic books suck? Draw my own pictures. But what do you do when you don’t have millions to waste (invest…?) on making a movie? Nothing apparently.

I’ve worked with people who went to school to make films. Ask them how many they have done. I dare you. The answer is usually “Oh, I did this one thing when I got out of school” or “No, I don’t have the equipment.” I wonder how I would feel spending thousands on something that I’m not using. Reason #54 why I didn’t go to college.

Now for ticket prices. The shit’s too high! There’s no other way to say it. Even when you go to a matinee if you plan on buying snacks (Coke, popcorn, and Milk Duds, that you) and two tickets you’ve just spent almost $40. That is a lot of fucking money for 90 minutes in which you pray to gods that don’t exist anymore it doesn’t suck. Heaven forbid you have kids with you! You take a few and I imagine its close to $100.

There used to be a theater over on Fairfax and Beverly that sold tickets for only $2.50. Then it became $5. I didn’t care. It was still less than the bigger theaters. Some people are theater snobs and the idea of smaller theaters scare them. Well, I love the Arclight as much as the next person, but I’d gladly sacrifice super sound for half priced tickets.

There’s no easy way to fix this. And sadly I doubt anyone seriously wants to fix it. In three years tickets will be probably $20 a ticket, you’ll have to trade a child in for popcorn, and 3D glasses wont be needed because they’ll be implanted into your eyes. Enjoy the show.