The Review: Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far On Foot

Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far On Foot 8/10

I just finished watching the movie Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far On Foot. Cam had talked about it on our Chocket Awards (click here to listen to that) and I had not seen it yet. This is based off of the memoir of a cartoonist named John Callahan and his journey from being an alcoholic to quadriplegic to drunken quadriplegic artist to finally sober. I liked the way that they portrayed his alcoholism in this. It never seemed fun. In some movies they make it seem like this personal party to the person involved but in this they managed to really show how sad and lonely it can actually be. One night while partying and drinking John meets a guy named Dexter and they just keep the party going until they end up crashing. Dexter gets away fine but John loses his ability to feel below his neck.

The Review: Lorena

Lorena 7/10

I just finished watching the Amazon docu-series Lorena and holy shit John Wayne Bobbitt is a shitbird. I learned a lot of new stuff watching this. As far as I knew from the story a wife, Lorena Bobbitt, got upset at her husband John one night and cut his dick off, threw it out a car window, and dude went on to become the 90's version of famous. There was so much more to this story. When I watch these new documentaries that come out now not only are they filmed and produced better than they've ever been, but the series aspect gives the story time to breathe and actually explore the personal as well as social aspects of what they are trying to convey. That is probably the smartest sounding sentence I will ever type. When this case first happened I remember thinking “I wonder what he did” instead of what a shit ton of guys did and wanted her killed or beaten for what she did.

The Review: Castle Rock Episodes 8-10

Castle Rock 9/10

Click here for previous Castle Rock reviews.

I finally finished watching Castle Rock on Hulu with B&H. Holy shit. This show was insane. I wanted more answers and did not get them but I'm not even mad. Molly ends up using her random ass powers to find Henry in the woods and the deaf dude Odin is dead with a poker in his eye. Who did it? Don't know. This couple that checked out the house with Molly decide to rent it out as a B&B that has a murder theme because fuck it. The husband Gordon decorates the place with crime scenes from the past using creepy ass mannequins while his wife wants to bone down and he is like “No...not yet.” The wife, Lilith, looked familiar and I searched her up and have seen her in a few movies and shows. She looks like a kitty cat which is my jammy jam. It turns out that they are making a new start after she slept with one of Gordon's coworkers at college. Some people come by and Gordon is pissed they don't give a fuck about his creepy stories and just wanna fuck because they are both married...to other people. Later that night they are having the kind of sex that makes the neighbors call the cops. Gordon can't sleep because he's a hater and goes up there and murders the fuck out of them. Lilith helps him hide the body parts because she can't say anything because she cheated. An affair and double-murder and kinda the same, right?

The Review: Castle Rock Episodes 4-7

Castle Rock Episodes 4-7

Click here for Episodes 1-3

Hey. Guess what? This Castle Rock show manages to get even weirder. I plowed through a few more episodes of this last week with H. and I'll be damned if I don't keep having more questions than answers. Yeah, some things get answered and just when they do more weird shit happens making more questions. Henry starts having some memories of what happened to his ass when he went missing years ago and goes to this place to talk to one of the guys suspected in his kidnapping. Everything about the place says “Nah...I should probably come with backup” but Henry is the opposite of every Black person you see in horror films so he walks right into danger with his chest out and a song on his lips. This weirdo guy did not kidnap him or anything but has the files associated with his disappearance. He also had his brothers fingers in a jar. In other news the casket carrying Henry's father's corpse that has been moved has turned into goo. So that happened.

The Review: The Umbrella Academy

The Umbrella Academy 9/10

This review will be full of spoilers. Today I finished watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix. Glad I checked this out before I canceled my subscription because this was a damned good show. I have heard of the comic book this is based off of but have never read it so I don't have anything to base this off of other than what I watched. I started watching this yesterday and was like “The trailer doesn't look good so I'll give it an episode or two.” By episode three I was hooked. There are ten episodes which was just enough and each is between 50-59 minutes long.

This starts off crazy as hell. This girl jumps into a swimming pool and in moments she is pregnant and about to give birth. It turns out that in 1989 a bunch of women suddenly had children. These kids have super powers and this dude goes on to raise and train them to be a superhero team to save the world. There are seven kids at the academy but only one of them seems to have no powers so she gets hardcore left out of everything. Missions, fun, and even photos. It is like her ass don't even exist. A scene shows the kids stopping a bank robbery using all their powers and the city congratulating them. They are not some secret organization. The world knows them and throws parades and they have comics and toys. They all have different personalities and as the series progressed thankfully they all grew in some way because I was starting to worry that no one would by the time this series wrapped up.

The Review: The Night Eats The World

The Night Eats The World 9/10

There be spoilers here. I decided to check this movie The Night Eats The World out on Amazon after seeing it pop up on a few best of lists. I knew it was about zombies and involved a drum. That's about it. It takes an odd mixture for me to like zombie films. There are so many of them and they lean towards comedy, drama, or a mixture of the two at odd times. People love talking about Shaun Of The Dead but I think Juan Of The Dead is a cool ass movie too. This movie though? No humor. Just me sitting here with my cheeks clinched super tight wondering what the fuck is happening and how this guy is going to survive it. This movie does not try to be cool. It does not attempt to reinvent the wheel. It is a story of one dudes survival against a horde of zombies in Paris. Yeah, this is a French film but no one speaks it so no need for lazy asses or people who look at their phones pretending to watch a movie to worry.

The Review: Abducted In Plain Sight

Abducted In Plain Sight - The Fuck?!/10

Holy fucking shit! Jasmine has been telling me to watch this documentary on Netflix called Abducted In Plain Sight for a while now and after more bullying from her I decided to check it out. She had told me some things about it like dick touching by parents and multiple kidnappings but my body was still not ready for the amount of ridiculous shit that happened to this family. This dude named Robert “Bob/B.” Berchtold targeted this family with the hopes of marrying their 12 year old daughter Jan Broberg. I shit you not, I shouted “What?!” so many times while watching this you would've thought I just discovered Lil Jon. So this dude Berchtold has his own wife and family and starts kicking it with the Broberg family. He is super into the daughter and details as much in recordings he made. Crazy assholes always gotta record shit.

The Review: Polar

Polar 3/10

Spoilers ahead all over the place. This felt rushed. I decided to watch Polar on Netflix because I hoped it would be interesting and also so Netflix would stop shoving it in my face. While watching this I kept on thinking about how it was edited and squinting at the screen. Then as the movie progressed and I was watching how it flowed and such I had to stop and check who directed this because either this was someone's first movie or they were not used to this whole directing thing and needed to work a few kinks out. A mostly music video director. Got it. Now that that was out of my system I felt better about how this just fell apart as it went on. This is about an assassin that is about to retire and collect his assassin pension. Turns out the folks he works for owe a lot of money so they have their killers sign over their shit so when they die the company gets paid. Convoluted. The start of this movie had me gasping with delight watching this woman in a bikini set up Johnny Knoxville before he gets shot a lot. By the way, the women in this movie are fucking beautiful in so many ways. Whatever you are into they got and by you I mean me. There is this Black chick that shows up later and I was like “Uh, I need to know more about her story, please?”

The Review: Castle Rock Episodes 1-3

Castle Rock Episodes 1-3

I watched the first three episodes of the series Castle Rock on Hulu after weeks of B&H suggesting that I do. Mostly B. since she is in all the love with Bill Skarsgard. I had heard of this show but since I is on Hulu the chances of watching it were very slim. Seriously. I have Amazon and Netflix and the idea of getting a third service is too much for me. So it is cool when friends have a streaming service you don't. This starts off with a guy searching for something and it turns out to be a young boy. He gets found standing on a frozen lake and I was like “This is a whole lot of nope happening.” The story fast forwards to 2 years later and at the Shawshank State Penitentiary. Already I was saying “I know that place! I know Stephen King stuff!” A guard ends up finding this secret area of the prison and there is a guy locked up inside a cage. He is tall as all hell and won't talk to anyone.

Sitting In The Aisle: Horror Noire A History Of Black Horror

Horror Noire A History Of Black Horror 8/10

Last night Cam and I went to see this documentary at The Egyptian Theater called Horror Noire A History Of Black Horror. It was very well done and I learned a lot of shit I had no idea about regarding horror films and the history of Black people in them. The way they showed trends and how they evolved with the times flowed really well. Starting with how Blacks could not even portray Blacks and were instead played by White people in blackface. Later when Black people were allowed in films they were just the butt of jokes. Later there were blaxplotation movies where Black people were either pimps, hookers, or drug addicts and in the 80's as more Whites moved from urban areas their own homes became the threat but still related to Black people or in the case of Poltergeist Native American ghosts. In the 90's they show movies like Tales From The Hood and others and how hip hop artists were into horror as a genre and incorporated it into their movies and eventually started appearing in those movies. This culminates with Get Out and the praise heaped upon that movie. All praise is due because that movie was fucking great. Wish they had touched on Sorry To Bother You. Really good documentary sponsored by that channel Shudder. There was some talk before the documentary followed by a Q&A that was so badly handled that me and Cam ended up leaving. I wanted to shout “Somebody make Candyman hold the mike to his face!” There was someone else there that annoyed the shit out of me but I won't mention her by name publicly but if you were there or know about her you know exactly who I am talking about. Christ, she just stepped on people trying to talk. Also, fuck everyone that kept whipping out their phones to check their social media accounts during the entire show. Still. Good documentary. Q&A could have been handled better. I want a poster from the documentary for my friend. Why were they not for sale?

Click here for previous Sitting In The Aisle.

The Review: Simple Simon

Simple Simon 7/10

I watched this movie called Simple Simon with B&H starring Bill Skarsgård is what I would call a cute movie. It is about a kid with Asperger Syndrome and how his behavior impacts those that are close to him or attempt to get close to him. The original title is Irymden Finns Inga Känslor which means In Space There are No Feelings. That title is long but closely relates to how when Simon starts to freak the fuck out he will hide in this capsule and pretend that he is in space. He will not respond to his mother and father but will talk to his brother who pretends he is at mission control and will talk to Simon in English. One day Simon ends up moving in with his brother and his girlfriend. Simon is like a controlled tornado. He has everything he does measured out by quantity and time. If you touch him he will attack you like a girl on the street found out. The time before she bumped into him and he slapped her was less than a second. Simon and his ways ends up being too much for his brothers girlfriend after Simon is just standing in the bedroom while they are boning down complaining about the toilet paper being all gone. She leaves and Simon decides he will use science to get his brother a new girlfriend.

The Review: The Incredibles 2

The Incredibles 2 (3/10)

They released The Incredibles 2 on Netflix and I was super excited to watch it. Then I watched it and felt like “Okay. That was definitely a sequel.” It did not have the same emotional impact on me as the first film had which I loved. It takes something special for me to like a CGI movie these days and the fact that I liked the first one so much surprised me. I went into this not knowing the plot or anything. It starts off right where the previous film left off which I think hurt it. That means that there have been no other adventures as a family fighting crime or character growth. Remember, the first movie came out in 2004. That is fucking fifteen years ago! So the fact that this picks right on up gave me the vibe I get when I see that shows like The Simpson's are still on and nothing has changed in regard to the ages of characters.