Won't Be Fooled Again: Revolution

Not so fast, television! You're not gonna trick my goofy ass again with the hopes of a new series only to let me down. There's a new show coming out called Revolution on NBC that looks like it may be cool but I'm just not willing to take the time to give these shows a chance anymore. I can usually just go based on the posters if it is gonna suck or if its gonna be a confused jumbled mess after a few episodes.

Revolution takes place in a post-apocalyptic future. Fifteen years earlier, an unknown phenomenon permanently disabled all advanced technology on the planet, ranging from computers and electronics to car engines, jet engines, and batteries. People were forced to adapt to a world without technology, and due to the collapse of public order, many areas are ruled by warlords and militias. The series focuses on the Matheson family, who possess an item that is the key to not only finding out what happened fifteen years ago, but also a possible way to reverse its effects. However, they must elude various enemy groups who want to possess that power for themselves.

Sons of bitches had me until I read that they posses “an item that is the key to finding out...” line. I am so tired of that vague bullshit. I know what that really means. “Holy crap we only wrote three episodes of this because we were hoping for it to be a film and now we have to stretch it out for twelve episodes!” And that sucks because I really do want to watch more TV on my actual TV, not just online.

Theater Whore: The Expendables 2

“I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m gonna take your life.”

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Liam Hemsworth, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger have arrived to kill anything that has the ability to produce life! Holy shit. Expendables 2 is one of those movies where ten years ago if you told me about it I would have called you a lying liar who lies. This movie gives you everything you wanted from the first film plus more.

This movie starts off with a group called, gasp!, The Expendables. They complete this crazy ass mission at the very beginning where Jet Li ends up leaving the movie. So if any of you were hoping to see him kicking folks in the face, too bad. He’s gone. There’s a new guy, a sniper named Billy the Kid and you’re just waiting for him to die. He’s happy, about to get married, and this is his last job. That is a recipe for disaster in films! The team are forced to take another job and take a dame with them who doesn’t even want to bone anyone! So they go on the mission and it all goes to shit when new guy is captured by JCVD! New guy won’t stop talking mad shit and gets a knife kicked through his heart! It was awesome.

LL Cool J Fucks Up Burglar

Just read on the news about actor/rapper LL Cool J beating the fuck out of a homeless dude that broke into his house. Jonathon Kirby, who is 56 and should know better, broke into LL’s home here in California and was subdued. And by subdued I mean he is now in the hospital with a broken jaw, nose, and ribs. Dude may have his bail set at $1.1 million bucks and could get 38 years to life if he is convicted for first degree burglary. He has already been sentenced for two other crimes before. Every guy has a fantasy of someone breaking into their home and getting the chance to practice some Street Fighter shit on them. LL just got the chance to do it in real life. Lucky bastard. Don't even sit there reading this and lying to yourself that you've never wanted to beat up a burglar Antoine Dodson style. If he gets free he should try a lighter opponent. Someone like Drake or Chris Brown. Brown for sure. Unless you're a woman because he will for sure fuck your shit up.

Gossip & Shit August 20th 2012

Foreign women continue to date Mel Gibson even though he is past crazy. The latest is Nadia Lanfranconi who models as well as makes music none of us will ever hear. Truly shocking. A model/musician and celebrity never get together!

Recently fired NFL player Chad Johnson formerly Ocho Cinco who is in the shitter for head butting his new bride also owes $130,000 on his home. Some people are natural born fuck ups. He did this about ten years ago with another woman he was dating and completed a program saying that he likely would not beat up women anymore.

Bobby Brown is in rehab for being Bobby Brown.

Remember Courtney Stodden who is 17 and her creepy ass husband Doug Hutchison who is in his 50’s and he married her when she was 16? Yeah. Them. He has the nerve to be mad that someone on a show they will be on, Couple’s Therapy, called him a child molester. Well…

Insert Coin: Choplifter

In Choplifter, the player assumes the role of a combat helicopter pilot. The player attempts to save hostages being held in prisoner of war camps in territory ruled by the evil Bungeling Empire. The player must collect the hostages and transport them safely to the nearby friendly base, all the while fighting off hostile tanks and other enemy combatants. According to the backstory, the helicopter parts were smuggled into the country described as mail sorting equipment.

That doesn’t sound dangerous at all, huh? Having parts of a helicopter sent in, assembling the son of a bitch, and then using it to rescue people. Don’t know about you but I’d take my chances with the Bungeling Empire. They didn’t have the best security team if some dude can build a copter and fuel it enough to run rescue missions. It was a fully armed and working helicopter built right under their noses! I’m figuring that no guards ever wandered by and wondered what all the ruckus was about. “That guy crying sounds like a drill and welding tool!”

Theater Whore: Total Recall

In the future there are even lens flares underground. I watched Total Recall because I like to punish my brain sometimes. I have to even out the reading and creative shit with just ridiculous crap like this. I know that people are comparing this to the old Schwarzenegger version but I honestly cant since the only things I remember about that film is Arnold’s bulging eyes when he cant breathe, a fight with Sharon Stone, and a chick with three boobs. Which does happen in this version and it not as hot as you’d think.

This should be hot...

The world has been fucked up by a huge chemical war where the last two safe places to live are the United Federation of Britain and The Colony, where the poor folk live. Colin Farrell stars as Douglas Quaid who works at a place that builds these androids that police stuff. Quaid keeps having this strange ass dreams where he and this hot chick are running from the law and he gets captured. He wakes up and his wife Lori played by Kate Beckinsale is like “Don’t worry it is just a dream…idiot” so Quaid decides to go to work and visit Rekall place where they can make any fantasy you have real in your head. Oh, I have to mention the way Quaid gets to work. Its this fucking thing called “The Fall” which is a giant shuttle drill that goes through the damned core of the planet to get to the other side. Fuck that.

FAP FILES: Girls Of Salute Your Shorts

Growing up the channel Nickelodeon used to play shows for kids and teens that weren’t just strangely drawn cartoons. They had shows where chicks paraded around and it made my young sexless self very happy. I decided to compile a Fap File with chicks from Salute Your Shorts. These will contain before and after shots. Yes, some after pictures are a few years old but whatever. Its just proof that they improved.

Ross Radio Show 120

In this episode I felt like playing some Big Daddy Kane Set It Off, Chubb Rock with Howie Tee Ya Bad Chubbs, EPMD Strictly Business, Gang Starr Code Of The Streets, Jeru The Damaja Ya Playin' Yaself, YZ Thinking Of A Master Plan, De La Soul Ring Ring Ring (Ha Ha Hey), Eric B & Rakim I Know You Got Soul, DJ Kool Biz Markie & Doug E. Fresh Let Me Clear My Throat, and Chuck Brown Bustin Loose. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

FAP FILES: Carla Gugino Bionic Fap

I don’t know why but you people have made my Carla Gugino Fap Files my most popular blog ever. I know that she’s a hot woman but I had no idea that so many others agreed. I decided to do a bit more research about her and not just be a total creep and write about how so many of us wish that we could be married to her even though there’s no chance that most of us will ever get a chance to even give her a high five. See how classy I can be? I didn’t even say have sex with her. Just a sweet high five which are totally real things that you can do.