Best Movies Of 2017

This was a rough ass year for movies. I was only able to come up with ten films. Movies were either really awesome or just terrible. This is going to be my list of The Best Movies Of 2017 and you will notice that a lot of them are superhero based ones. That is not my fault. Blame movies just not being good enough or Oscar bait. If I see Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Steven Spielberg, or Glenn Close I yawn and say I'll watch it later because I know what is going on. They cram these movies into the end of the year so people go “Oh, this movie is amazing!” meaning “This movie just came out and I remember it!” Let me stop. I'll be ranting about that the closer it gets to the awards. Here is my list. Feel free to disagree and be wrong. All titles are links to my original reviews.

The Review: Wormwood

Wormwood 9/10

I decided to check out this short series on Netflix called Wormwood and I can't even tell you why exactly but I am so glad that I did. This is a mixture of documentary, movie, and holy shit the government is terrifying. This is the story of a guy named Eric Olson who is trying to find out if his father Frank Olson who was a CIA employee who was part of an experiment called MK Ultra which consisted of drugging agents with LSD killed himself by jumping from a window or if he was killed. Peter Sarsgaard plays Frank in flashback scenes. This features interviews with people involved, investigators, and lawyers as they try to figure out what the fuck really happened.

The Review: Bright

Bright 1/10

This movie is a mess. There will be spoilers. I just finished watching the Netflix movie called Bright and am trying to figure out how they could make a movie about orcs living in present times kung fu elves could be this whack. This should not have been a two hour movie. This has so much shit happening and history that it absolutely needed to have been at least a three season show. Will Smith is a cop along with his partner played by Joel Edgerton who is an Orc cop. I guess two thousand years ago Orcs and humans fought together is some great battle but humans still treat Orcs like shit.

You Had One Job: DC Cinematic Universe

$675 million worldwide does not sound bad. If I did anything that made that much money I'd be singing the songs of my people and crippling strippers with stacks of money. But that huge amount is actually terrible when you take into account Justice League stars Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman...and the rest. This is their tent pole film that is supposed to springboard many other films in the DC cinematic universe. To put this into perspective, Doctor Strange made $677 million worldwide. Yeah. A movie about a character that people kinda know that had no build up. There was no Strange in Avenger films to give some sort of backstory. In reality Justice League should have made a billion dollars or more. Deadpool cost $58 million and made $783 million.

The Review: Ash Vs Evil Dead Season 2

Ash Vs Evil Dead Season Two 10/10

There will be some spoilers. Thank god they added Ash Vs Evil Dead Season 2 to Netflix because no one has Starz! I ran through the second season in a few days and could not believe that it was better than the first season which I loved. This show is so damned well made and you can tell that the people involved, besides the people that were in the originals, love being a part of it. Every is into what they are doing and giving 100%. You know how on some shows there seem to be people that are all in? This is not one of those shows. This show is so fucking fun to watch and I am glad that next year there will be another season.

Theater Whore: Geostorm

Geostorm 2/10

I watched the movie Geostorm after laughing at the trailer a while ago. It is about someone using satellites that are in space to control our weather because we fucked the planet up and turning them into a weapon. Gerard Butler who designed the system called Dutch Boy for reasons, is told by his brother to go up there and fix that shit. His daughter who is a smart ass is upset and he promises not to die. This movie is pretty much watching a story try to happen while watching deserts turn to ice and beaches get jacked up. Seriously, there is a scene in Brazil where this hot woman runs from the now frozen beach, exploding buildings, and a plane that falls out of the sky. She lives because she is hot.

The Review: The Greasy Strangler

The Greasy Strangler 2/10

I checked out this movie Koko recommended called The Greasy Strangler. She told me what it was about and it sounded silly as all hell so I decided to check it out. Meh. I could have waited to see this. The movie is about a guy named Big Ronnie that loves grease. Everything he eats is greasy and he even wants it in his coffee. His son Brayden is a weird ass guy and together they do a touring group where they show people fake disco history in their town. They just lie to folks and ditch them. There is also a guy that is going around strangling people and leaving a bunch of grease behind. Gee, I wonder who it could be...

The Review: Die Hard

Die Hard 9/10

Turns out I had not seen this movie in damn near 30 years. Die Hard is one of the movies where I would say I have seen it and could explain the basic plot but there are entire characters and plot points that I forgot about. John McClane played by Bruce Willis arrives in Los Angeles to meet up with his wife who he is kinda sorta estranged from. He likes working on the east coast and she is starting her life with their kids in LA. His limo driver named Argyle is chatty as hell but it works because it gives some insight to McClane's character. He gets to the Nakatomi building where there is a Christmas party happening and finds out his wife isn't even using his last name anymore. Burn!

Theater Whore: The Shape Of Water

The Shape of Water 11/10

There will be spoilers. I know that in the past I would not rate a movie beyond a 10. I wanted to do it with Baby Driver but did not. Fuck it. The Shape Of Water deserves more than a damned 10. This was one of the best movies I've ever seen and made me so happy that movies exist. I try to find one of these types of films every year and this year it has happened multiple times (Baby Driver, Thor: Ragnarok, Guardians of The Galaxy 2). 

Cam and I saw this today and we were amazed that they were able to develop so many characters in one film and not have anyone feel left out. I said that I don't need a prequel to this or a sequel. I take everything in this movie and have no more questions regarding what happened to the characters before this or after. It is fucking complete.

Theater Whore: Justice League

Justice League 1/10

This is not a fun movie. You'd think a movie with all of these characters would at the very least be fun but it was very much not. It wasn't even cool. With superhero or comic book based movies if you can't get anything right the very least you can do is make characters look like they are supposed to or cool. That does not happen with this. And for anyone that says I am a Marvel whore and love all their movies (which I don't) I have a goddamn Batman tattoo on my right arm and a Warner Bros. based one on the left. So kiss my ass. I have no brand loyalty, not even with the toothpaste or toilet paper I buy. I just wanna be entertained...and have nice breath and a clean ass.